Cutting off my toxic mum

[CosySnail]

Hi, first time poster looking for advice.

I’m 25. I spent my entire childhood walking on eggshells around my mum, she was either extremely angry or depressed (I have one memory where I accidentally broke a glass and she screamed in my face telling me I was useless and she wished she never had me) she denies this ever happened but I remember it like it was yesterday. She would have people over on school nights drinking and taking drugs. This massively affected me and I now suffer with extreme anxiety and I’ve been in therapy for years.

I have a daughter who is 5. She loves my mum and my mum loves her, which is making it harder for me to cut her off. My daughter would be devastated not seeing her Nanny but I feel like it’s got to the point where I need to put my own feelings first. And I don’t want her disappointing my daughter either. I’ve spent my whole adult life going between wanting to cut her off and just feeling sorry for her as she clearly has some form of undiagnosed mental health problem but will refuse to go to the doctors about it.

She rings me every day at least 10 times (no exaggeration), and if I don’t answer the phone she will send me nasty messages. The times I’ve told her I need some space she’s called me spiteful and told me I’m a bad mother for keeping her away from her grandchild. She never asks if I’m OK, the conversation is always centred around her and her problems/dramas in her life. She will constantly make comments about my parenting, she will also go against my wishes with my daughter (giving her sugar when I’ve told her not to, letting her stay up way too late). I don’t feel like I have a voice around her, anything I say gets shrugged off. This is only the tip of the iceberg and this the type of behaviour I’ve been dealing with since I can remember. I really can’t take anymore.

Does anyone else have any experience cutting off a toxic parent? Even if your kids love them and would miss them?

Thanks in advance

I'm sorry your mother hasn't been a decent mum.

The fact that she drank and took drugs when you were a child is bad enough, but to ring you 10 times every day then send you nasty messages if you don't answer would be the end of it for me.

You're right to want to protect your daughter. If it were me, I'd have cut that woman out of my life years ago. I haven't got any experience of having a toxic parent, but I sympathise.

Yes I had to do this. My 2 were older though 17 & 13, so could choose to see her without me if they wanted. I had a lightbulb moment just before Mother’s Day, I chose a card but couldn’t bring myself to write in it, so I didn’t send it or make any contact. She sent a few nasty messages but I blocked her & moved on. She did try contact a few more times via various other family members but I refused. We have seen each other at a few funerals/weddings & we were civil. But each time she thought we’d go back to how we were before. I held out & have had no contact for about 13 years now. It’s been great, like a weights been lifted.

Block and move on if you want op, I think you'll feel relieved 😁 good luck

I had a tough time with mine and one big last straw was telling me not to visit and then I did (because it was a ploy to tell my father how bad I was)

this was on a special occasion - the next day she rang and said I spoilt it for my brother as he couldn’t have his kids there yet mine were there.

the hurt cut me so deeply it’s untrue

(after years of being told I might get a Saturday job as they had a girl working in it with Down syndrome, always putting me down, making out I am nuts)

it’s so hard

Your child will forget her anyway if you go NC with your mother now. It will be much harder if you try to go NC with your mother when your child is older. So, if you are going to do it, do it now.
I went NC with some family before my DC were born, and then went NC with some others (flying monkeys for my parents) when my children were around 6 years old. They don’t mention the relatives or even recognise them in the odd photo they see now. It will have a smaller impact on your child than you think. Your mother will know doubt tell you it will devastate your child because like all abusers she will think she’s important, but she really isn’t.

I am NC with my mum, well with both my parents actually. She is a toxic narcissist and he was an enabler. Anyway we haven't had any contact for over a decade and my life is much much better.

Now, they have never met my children because they were all born after we went NC, but the eldest does occasionally ask about them. I just say we don't see them because they weren't very nice to mummy and leave it at that, he has honestly never asked a follow up question and he's nine now! Kids do seem to accept these kind of explanations, especially at a younger age as yours is.

My view is that if my parents aren't good enough for me, then they sure as hell aren't good enough for my children. I will never understand people who go NC but allow their young children to keep seeing the toxic relative. Obviously when mine are grown up they can choose to find their 'grandparents' if they wish, but while they are my responsibility then that won't happen.

Do yourself and your daughter a favour and take your freedom back. You wouldn't stay friends with a person who treated you like that, so don't accept it from a parent.

She’s clearly unstable, has very questionable judgement and form for being verbally abusive. Your DD doesn’t need to be exposed to that.

Toxic parents tend to turn into toxic grandparents. Protect your daughter and yourself. If cutting her off is what you want to do, you are allowed to do it

Little children will love people they are close to, no matter how toxic or abusive that person is. That does not mean that the child should remain in contact with them.

Your mother is despicable, and in your shoes, I'd cut all contact with her. Your dd is too young to understand why, but you can explain when she is older.

Besides, you know what your mother was like to you. What if she started doing it to your dd as well? What if she started sowing poisonous seeds in your dd's mind about you?

Do it. Protect yourself and your child. Going NC is the only way you can heal and get peace. It’s definitely easier to go NC when children are younger. You can give age appropriate explanations as to why you do not see certain family members, as they age.

Don’t tolerate her any longer, the calling/messaging is horrible, along with her comments and going against your wishes with your dd. I guarantee she’ll start on her soon enough.

God she sounds like my mum. I didn't cut mine off entirely, but we are low contact. Helps that I live in another country. I have made it clear certain topics are not up for discussion & if she goes there, I simply hang up. It's a difficult situation but ultimately do what is best for your MH.

How are you going to do it? can she come round to your house and make a total pain of herself?

About your daughter, I think you need to explain in age appropriate terms " Grandma can be nice sometimes, but other times she's very mean to mummy and it's sad, but sometimes we have to make a difficult choice in order to protect ourselves and the people we love, like you"

Will she turn up at your daughter's school?

I had a very difficult childhood and gave my Mum every opportunity to get to know my daughter, but my daughter was eventually genuinely frightened of her so I went totally NC. If they had a good relationship it might have been different, although my Mum crossed all the boundaries and was extremely critical of my parenting, gave my daughter foods I said she couldn’t have. In hindsight my Mum was seriously mentally ill from a young age, before I was born. I remember driving away from her house trying desperately not to cry with my young daughter in the car.

When my Mum developed early-onset dementia in her 60s, both me and my daughter visited her in her care home and we had some good times with her because her personality changed for the better. After a couple of years she didn’t recognise either of us, but we still visited and I will never regret that.

When she died I was unexpectedly devastated and now, with a 25 year old daughter myself, I regret going completely NC. In hindsight I wish I had at least sent her Mother’s Day cards and birthday flowers, school photos of my daughter, paintings done by my daughter, because that would have protected my daughter and still let my Mum know she was loved from a safe distance. She has been dead for four years and I so wish I’d kept some sort of minimal contact.

You have to do what’s best for you and your child, but you only get one Mum/Grandma and the years fly by. Hopefully I don’t have any harsh comments for saying this, because I’m tearful just thinking about it.

💐hope you are ok.
It’s complicated for us all I feel.

I done the same with my mother...it's been a few months now so still feels raw but I'm getting stronger day by day and know I made the right decision, her narcissistic personality isn't healthy around me and my little family ...like a comment above said whilst they are this young it's better to just go NC that way the children won't have an impact on them..yes my child loved her but unfortunately I can't have my child around someone (plus other members) so toxic...I'm her child and she's behaved in such a way so I certainly won't have her trying to behave like that to my child ...I'm my child's protector ..if my child wants to reach out to her in years to come then they will be of an age where they can make that decision..she also would bring my down as a parent and also give my child things when I said not to and just go over my voice and say what happens at nana's stays at nana's ..not healthy at all

This.
The earlier the better.
Your daughter will forget her given time.
Put yourself and your mental health first.
Remove her toxicity from your life.
You owe her nothing.
Eventually she will turn on your child.
Get away from her now.

Does anyone know what rights grandparents have? I get worried that mine would try and take me court to get access to see my child but I have enough on her to prove that she is too toxic to be around my child

Grand parents have very little to no rights.
Perhaps if they were involved in every day care, they could argue for contact, but generally none.
Well done for protecting your child.