Are we drifting apart?

[Anonnynon]

DP and I have been together two years. Both divorced - I’ve got a couple of dcs, he’s childless and we met well after the split.

Initially I thought DP was a good fit as he does quite a few hobbies - after hearing horror stories about step-parenting, I didn’t particularly want a blended family and I still amicably coparent with my ex (who’s happy with his own long-term partner who the kids get on with). I made it clear I wasn’t looking for another “dad” although obviously he still met them and we did things together. Generally though, it seemed to work well that DP would do his hobbies when I had the kids and then we’d spend time together when they were with my ex.

A few months ago, however, DP stated he didn’t like feeling like he was just my “bit of stuff”. He felt he should (and wanted to) step into the “step parent” role more - and felt he already was, in a way, anyway. I felt cautious as he had been a bit spooked initially with how “full on” being a parent and spending time with the kids could be. After a lot of discussion and a lot of assurance from him that this is what he wanted and was a deal breaker if we didn’t, I thought okay.

Roll on a few months of us spending every other weekend being more of a “unit”. DP, whilst not stating anything specifically, is now conspicuously doing hobbies and finding reasons not to be with us - always on an ad-hoc basis, but they’re piling up. He’s behaving generally dissatisfied and saying he’s craving escapism.

To be honest, after ending my last marriage, I’m not sure I want to be spending energy trying to find the balance for him. I’m honestly feeling “yes, this is what kids are like, if you don’t like it please just go find someone who doesn’t have them.” I’ll be happy on my own.

It’s slightly scary to think I’m honestly thinking of breaking up with him over this. I don’t honestly think he does - at least not consciously - but it feels damned if we do, damned if we don’t. Can anyone help me make sense of this?

Oh no, you can’t be doing with that. Time to end it, unless he wants to go back to how it was before, but do you?

I think, even if I did, after another couple of months, he’d start to complain about feeling like a spare part to my family again.

That’s the trouble. I’m not sure he even recognises this himself, but I think he wants to be “full in” just without the pressure/drag that comes with kids. The thing is, as someone who’s a coparent, that isn’t an option.

I think you just need an honest chat with him and explain what you think the situation is and she how he responds. It may be that there is a simple solution that you would both be happy with eg 1 weekend a month as a unit not 2.

I think it’s hard to end a relationship where DCs are involved things aren’t terrible. I did this and haven’t regretted it. The relationship was good but it had run its course and I couldn’t give what was needed anymore without it impacting my DC more than I was prepared to do.

On MN it feels like Mother’s are expected not to have relationships if they are separated but I don’t agree with that. However, the relationship does need to work for everyone & that takes a lot of effort.

He didn’t know what it would be like until he tried. He wanted to give it a go with the best intentions and he’s realised raising someone else’s children and being a family unit isn’t for him, which is absolutely ok but he needs to be honest.

Sit down and have a non confrontational chat about how you’re both really feeling instead of coasting along in this limbo place.

Is he generally rather 'grass is always greener' about life?

You don’t have to answer but I’m wondering how old your DCs are. Because, unless the children are already relatively independent, I don’t really see how you can be married to someone who has children and not be somewhat involved with those children. I think that’s what your DH is expressing and it makes me wonder how realistic your aim of avoiding creating a blended family was. It sounds like a serious chat is necessary.

We’re not married or ever planning to - it’s more he wanted to be present and be involved when they’re with me (roughly 50% of the time), do holidays together, help with school runs, etc, etc. Kids are 11 and 9.

He’s actually a bit the opposite - he admits he kept going what was obviously a dead relationship between two completely incompatible personalities for too long (they were sleeping in separate bedrooms for three years before lockdown forced matters to a head). Which makes me anxious that if he wasn’t happy he’d just bury it and forge on with me none the wiser!

If he wanted to get involved and help that’s a good sign but perhaps he has found it a bit much now he’s in the midst of it. Does it bother you that much that he is going out to do his hobbies instead?

It’s a tough one, I wouldn’t split up if that’s the only issue unless there’s anything more significant wrong overall.