Money Secrets

[daisybloom]

Been with DP 10 years, have 2 DC, ages 3 and 1.

We live in a house in my sole name, as house was purchased not long into our relationship so we weren't ready to buy together, and he'd also made vague comments about credit rating issues. He has always paid his way in the house, but I've figured out that those issues were likely related to him entering an IVA early on in our relationship.

Fast forward 10 years, I have had issues with credit myself, and got myself into a bit of a mess. I have been completely up front with him about this, particularly as we were looking to move house into a jointly mortgaged property. I was worried I was holding us back, but he was supportive - took on paying for more of the food shop, nursery etc.

I then had an unexpected inheritance, and managed to clear my debts. I thought he'd be pleased at the change in financial circumstances, but his response was quite lukewarm.

I started looking at properties for us, and he's confessed he's also got himself into a bit of a mess again with various loans / credit cards. His IVA is well dropped off the bottom of his credit file, but he has racked up another chunk of debt.

About a third of this is car finance for a family car, which is fair enough, but I had no idea about the rest.

I feel like on one hand I have no right to be annoyed, as I've done this myself - and the only reason I'm not in a similar position is inheritance.

But on the other, I'm really upset that I was up front with him, while he hid this from me - he says I was stressed enough about money and he was trying to protect me, but I feel lied to. And I'm also quite mad that he hit rock bottom before to the point of an IVA, and has then gone back to racking up debt. He is not out spending loads - I think it is a bit of a hangover from furlough, plus some essential house maintenance type stuff that's all got out of hand and he's now struggling with month to month day to day costs.

We have two small children, I don't want to explode my life - but feel if I didn't have the kids, I wouldn't have put up with this deceit.

And I now don't know whether to work towards the joint mortgage family house that would best suit my kids, with probably monthly credit checks to make sure there was nothing untoward going on - or make a point of keeping the house in my sole name - which would mean a much smaller house for them growing up, but at least 100% security in it.

Please be kind, my head is a mess.

Stick where you are. Security matters. I wouldn't be too hard on him we all make mistakes. He judt didn't learn the first time.

You can’t afford a new house at the moment, and it’s very unlikely you’d get a mortgage anyway. Don’t get married and don’t put him on the deeds to the house. It’s sounds like you borh need to get yourselves on a much firmer financial footing before you make any larger purchases.

Thanks both.

In my mind we need to move in the next year for schooling for the two kids. We are not in a great area at present and I'm keen the kids get the best start we can manage.

I also worry we are likely to get stuck in this area - as house prices are not increasing here at the same rate as desired area, so if we don't move soon we are likely to be priced out.

I can afford for us to move on my own - our house is in my sole name, and I could handle a move without a joint mortgage - just not to the size of house we'd planned. It is likely to be 2028 before his finances are in any state to move.

If I did sooner in all my own name, this would likely have to be smaller than the house we're in, which DP would not agree with as he'd prioritise house size over area / schooling.

At the risk of drip feeding / derailing, we have two small DC (shared) and he has 1 teen DC (17) from previous relationship. Right now our 2 DC share and we keep a bedroom empty for if teen wants to visit overnight, which is v. rare now due to his social life! If pushed, I will have to prioritise my young kids schooling over maintaining empty bedroom space for DPs teen, and look at 2 bed properties in better area. We could then move again in 5+ years to bigger house / more bedrooms as needed.

I'm just struggling with the lies, and also the fact that he's made the same mistake twice 😩

You have both racked up debt.

You are a couple with children - you need to look at your finances jointly and do some serious budget planning rather than make 1 off decisions without the full picture.

His debt wont stop you moving as long as there are no defaults.

You are only in a better position than him due to an inheritance. You both need to be adults and work together on this.

@WestminsterWanderer I suppose I see it a bit differently. My inheritance cleared my debts earlier than planned, but I've worked hard over a number of years to pay it down with a view to being in a position to move next year.

DP knew this - and knew about the debts.

I had no idea he was increasing debts at the same time.

Im sorry OP this sounds like a tough situation
I think you should prioritise what's best for your DCs and if you are going to be getting sole mortgage you should be the one deciding location & what house you are buying,
I'm sorry of it sounds harsh but he screwed up opportunity to have a say in the matter by racking up debts. I realise debt is really easy to get into and very hard to pay off but he should have prioritised this and adopted frugal approach and not get into mess again.
deceit would be a BIG red flag for me too, why was he not open and honest about finances? why choose a family car he cannot afford?

@Peoniesinbloom I'm not 100% sure on why.

I'd like to say he knew I was stressed about money, so was trying to protect me from additional worry while pregnant / post partum the last couple of years.

I couldn't afford a car, he told me he COULD afford the one we have. It's not extravagant by any means. However, I think he's been looking at monthly payments, rather than actual cost of borrowing - and as he's previously had an IVA, everything is high interest.

He can manage the monthly payments on everything - across multiple cards / loans - but isn't looking at the total debt he's in, which is nearing £30k. I think he's been in denial.

He doesn't even buy anything extravagant! I'm not sure if it's hangover from just not managing living within budget with various bills / paying for stuff / cost of living - or if there is something underlying? I don't think it's gambling or anything, but the amount is quite staggering and I'm not sure where all of it's gone.

Don’t be too hard on him about not telling you. He’s obviously been trying to do his best by the family by over stretching on things like a better car. Debt mounts up so quickly, I have been in a similar position where I cleared debt but then it slowly mounted again - literally just by overspending £20 a week = £80 a month = £1k a year over 3 years you’re 3k in debt. I also hid it from my OH and put a plan in place to pay it off which means I have a lot less to spend from my monthly ‘pocket money’ but it’s my debt so I’m owning it but hiding it has never been malicious in anyway, it’s a mixture of shame, guilt, and not wanting to worry him. Honesty is the way forward you’ll get through this if you can forgive him trying to keep this from you with what I think was the best intentions.

Why does he keep entering into IVAs when he's not a homeowner?

If your DP has almost £30k debt do not understand any circumstances marry him or put your inheritance into a house with his name on the mortgage. Instead tell him how upset you feel he kept this from you. Saving you from stress is no excuse because he'd be the cause of the stress so just protecting himself from you potentially leaving him. Clear your own debt so your credit starts to improve. Save your inheritance in a high interest bond account. I got 5.05 last week. In your position I'd tell him you have to protect your DC's secure above everything so will be putting any new house into your name only but this doesn't have to be forever. He needs to show you he can work to clear his debts. Could he do some overtime or get a second job one or two evenings a week? Once your debts are cleared tell him you'll pay towards car to help him clear his debts but don't use your inheritance. That is your and your DC's security. If you buy a 2 bedroom house in a good school area you could get a comfortable sofabed for when his DC came to stay overnight. Over time once he clears his debts you can revisit buying a 3 bedroom house together but the likelihood is as his older DC gets older they will stay overnight less but it could mean your 2 DC gets their own room in the future. I'd make his see your future together depends on him being open with you and not hiding debt from you. Would your DP agree to going through his spending together once a month until he gets on track with reducing debt?

Also I'd be asking to see his historical bank statements over last 6 years to work out where his money has gone. Obviously cut back on things like takeaways and any subscriptions you can do without to help him stick within his budget.

You need to sit down together and each fill in the MSE budget planner down to the last penny to see exactly where all the money is going and where savings can be made. You could also do a joint one to see the overall picture (even if in practice you aren't combining finances - which certainly isn't a good idea if he has IVA's and not good a money management). If he won't do this then that tells you he's not really committed to sorting the debt situation out.

Budget Planner: how to manage your money - MoneySavingExpert
To do it properly you need at least 6 months of spending records - so downloads of bank transactions and receipts. When I first did it I realised I was spending £25 a week on coffees and snacks alone (mainly whilst in the office at work). So over £1200 per year! That's before buying lunch. Knocked that on the head straight away. He's living beyond his means and small amounts add up.

If moving for schooling is really important to you and it means no spare room for teenager, would he refuse to move? You need a blunt conversation. Teenager could sleep on a sofa bed in the lounge if necessary.

He was getting into debt by taking on more of the expenses so you could clear your debts? And now you've cleared your debts with a lucky inheritance you object to his debts? Can you not now help him clear his debts? How much were your debts and how much are his debts (without the essential car loan)? Do you both work and earn a reasonable income? If so buckle down and pay off the debt.

Edit: If you can get a cheaper credit than him, can you take out a loan to cover it? I know this depends whether you are both in this for the long haul and whether either or both of you can stay out of debt. You have to really decide if you are a couple working together for your future or two individuals remaining financially separate.

Given that the house has always been in your name and you can afford to keep it in your name, the fact he's racked up debt again tells me you should keep it in your name. Joint mortgage means if he goes down again the creditors will go for the joint house, so you are protecting both your property and him.

He has not racked up £30k's worth of debt on additional household expenses. When I say he's taken on more, he's done more of the food shopping, and covers the car. He's not exactly been paying all the bills for years!

I don't know where the rest has gone really. He doesn't buy for himself really, but is generous to his DC - for example a recent birthday bought an iPhone at £2k! along with a couple of designer hoodies at a few hundred quid a pop "to open". I thought he was doing well, he gets paid overtime and works a lot.

I'm less bothered by the debt, and more about the dishonesty, and also the fact that he's not learned his lesson from having racked up debt before. Which makes me worry this will easily happen again, even if I helped him to clear it all.

@twomanyfrogsinabox I would surely be crazy to take on £30k of debt in my name, while the house is also in my name. Especially when I fear he'd just then rack it up again!!

@JaneAustensCat Thanks, that's helpful. I'll get him to complete. Have also spoken with a financial advisor.

He potentially could refuse to move, but the house is in my name so not sure how much his refusal would matter. In my head now I'm just trying to do what's best for my DC.

He has entered 1 IVA. I think at that time (early in our relationship) he could not afford his repayments and had to enter into a repayment plan type thing. Not sure of the detail.

@KaleQueen Thanks very much for this. It's difficult to see the other side, I really appreciate you sharing ♥️

He should speak to someone like Stepchange or similar about the debts
What are his debts for & exactly how much ?

How much was the car ?

He has 3 children to provide for

Your priority should be clearing all the debt, before considering joint mortgage, moving, because this costs money

What are your joint incoming?
Versus
What are your joint expenses ?

What can you cut down on ?

What debts can you pay off ?

What can you save ?

https://www.gov.uk/debt-advice

@S0fttshirtnow We keep separate finances, have always done this - but essentially:

He makes about £45k, debt is just under £30k.

I also make about £45k, no debt now.

Car is worth about £2k (webuyanycar) - car finance is set to cost about £10k over the next four years 🤯 £200/month.

He is an additional £500pcm in loan payments til 2028, the money from which (£17k) has gone I don't know where. He says these are consolidation loans from a couple of years ago.

Plus about £5k on credit cards, which I do think has been day to day living as he's struggling to live within means with these loan payments plus our bills, through me being on maternity leave etc.

I'm thinking if I try firstly to get us into a better area, smaller house, we have a better chance of building more equity while getting through paying off these loans on the agreed timelines.

We can then cancel the car finance (there is a half way point apparently where you can return the car and cancel agreement), and I can sort out a different car on a better deal, plus insurance etc, and cover that myself - which will free up money for him to chuck at his cards. It's going to have to be a five year plan. And I won't stay in our current house for five years 😩

Good for you for trying to sort it out OP. But you're right to protect yourself and your DC.

Can I ask how a car with a value of £2K can incur loan repayments of £10K over the next four years?

Absolutely no idea. Think it's interest.

"Moneybarn" car finance for poor credit.

And obviously the car's value will have fallen a bit in the year we've had it.