Does any one else...

glittercherry · 2024-08-08T16:54:52+00:00

Tell their husband when their actions are unattractive?! I'm starting to wonder if I'm being too harsh. I'm starting to feel unhappy in our marriage, I'm not really sure why, and I assume that it's my expectations are too "social media" high. I do acknowledge that most of the time social media isn't the real truth of people's lives but I still wonder if I could have had more. I kind of settled with a childhood sweetheart for ease really as I can't bare the thought of dating. But lately, everything he does that I dislike, I've started telling him it's unattractive. I realise it's unattractive to me and won't be to everyone else, but is this harsh? Should I just tell him how I'm feeling and leave? We have two young children, together for 15 years, married for 3, mid 30s. I need advice [tbuconfused]

Kerkyra2024 · 08/08/2024 18:02

I think you should talk things out when it's just you two

BlueBrush · 08/08/2024 18:06

What sort of actions, OP? Is it things like being rude or cruel, or things like picking his toenails at the dinner table, or embarrassing dancing at a wedding? What sort of "unattractive"?

pinkchristmaspudding · 08/08/2024 18:25

Most of the time it's just his actions within the home.

Specific example, We've been out today for lunch and a few drinks whilst the children were with PILs, we've come home and he's laid on the bed playing on his phone, saying he's tired and repeatedly saying "I'm coming in a min". But he wanted to order food tonight and said we haven't been intimate enough lately, and can we when the kids are in bed.

I just think EUGH. To all of it. I said to him that sprawled on the bed is unattractive and unless he makes a move theres no way he's getting anything out of me.

Get up and be productive, help me sort the kids. Then we can think about sitting and ordering food together. We got a bottle of wine on the way home so could share that too.

It all just feels unattractive. I now feel like I hope he stays in bed and I don't want to sit and have food with him and I certainly don't want a shag.

But I feel bad for telling him that. I'd be really upset if he told me I was unattractive. But to me, his actions are really unattractive. It's been building for a while and I wonder if I want something more. He's a really good dad, and most of the time I have no complaints as a husband. Our sex life could be better but working full time with 2 young kids takes it toll.

Should I bite my tongue and ride it out for a while? I can't help finding him unattractive though?!

Opentooffers · 08/08/2024 18:35

Just piecing this together, mid 30's, 15 years together. So that's puts you at 20 when you got together, not quite childhood sweethearts? Sounds like you are rewriting history.
I suppose the more you point things out, if he keeps doing them anyway, it means he doesn't care if its unattractive to you, kind of showing you to like it or lump it. Depends what things they are as to who is being unreasonable in this.

MoveToParis · 08/08/2024 18:38

pinkchristmaspudding · 08/08/2024 18:25

Most of the time it's just his actions within the home.

Specific example, We've been out today for lunch and a few drinks whilst the children were with PILs, we've come home and he's laid on the bed playing on his phone, saying he's tired and repeatedly saying "I'm coming in a min". But he wanted to order food tonight and said we haven't been intimate enough lately, and can we when the kids are in bed.

I just think EUGH. To all of it. I said to him that sprawled on the bed is unattractive and unless he makes a move theres no way he's getting anything out of me.

Get up and be productive, help me sort the kids. Then we can think about sitting and ordering food together. We got a bottle of wine on the way home so could share that too.

It all just feels unattractive. I now feel like I hope he stays in bed and I don't want to sit and have food with him and I certainly don't want a shag.

But I feel bad for telling him that. I'd be really upset if he told me I was unattractive. But to me, his actions are really unattractive. It's been building for a while and I wonder if I want something more. He's a really good dad, and most of the time I have no complaints as a husband. Our sex life could be better but working full time with 2 young kids takes it toll.

Should I bite my tongue and ride it out for a while? I can't help finding him unattractive though?!

Sorry? Are you OP

StormingNorman · 08/08/2024 18:44

pinkchristmaspudding · 08/08/2024 18:25

Most of the time it's just his actions within the home.

Specific example, We've been out today for lunch and a few drinks whilst the children were with PILs, we've come home and he's laid on the bed playing on his phone, saying he's tired and repeatedly saying "I'm coming in a min". But he wanted to order food tonight and said we haven't been intimate enough lately, and can we when the kids are in bed.

I just think EUGH. To all of it. I said to him that sprawled on the bed is unattractive and unless he makes a move theres no way he's getting anything out of me.

Get up and be productive, help me sort the kids. Then we can think about sitting and ordering food together. We got a bottle of wine on the way home so could share that too.

It all just feels unattractive. I now feel like I hope he stays in bed and I don't want to sit and have food with him and I certainly don't want a shag.

But I feel bad for telling him that. I'd be really upset if he told me I was unattractive. But to me, his actions are really unattractive. It's been building for a while and I wonder if I want something more. He's a really good dad, and most of the time I have no complaints as a husband. Our sex life could be better but working full time with 2 young kids takes it toll.

Should I bite my tongue and ride it out for a while? I can't help finding him unattractive though?!

Are you the OP?

StormingNorman · 08/08/2024 18:45

Digging at your husband is unattractive. If you aren’t happy you need to discuss it like an adult.

ComtesseDeSpair · 08/08/2024 18:45

I think when fairly ordinary and benign things somebody does are making you find them unattractive, the relationship has probably either run its course or needs some serious communication and talking input from both of you to establish if you want it to continue.

Simply telling somebody repeatedly that everything they do is unattractive to you is counterproductive and unhelpful. It rarely makes anyone feel motivated and inspired to change and is going to end up as an argument eventually.

SweetBirdsong · 08/08/2024 18:48

I don't think it was ever going to end well OP, when you clearly just 'settled' because you were afraid of being alone.

What you find annoying/unattractive about him now, will get worse and worse as you get older. You will LOATHE him by the time you're middle aged. I'd start looking for a way out now actually. Do yourself - AND him a favour!

Opentooffers · 08/08/2024 19:07

Namechange fail!
You've been out for lunch and a few drinks - afternoon drinking can get you tired.
Perhaps would of been better to get a bit of alone time together in the house while PIL had them. Then pick them up and order food. If you want his input, go to him and directly say what you need him to do (some men seem to need it spelling out).
Carry on, maybe after round 2 of food and wine you'll feel more in the mood.