What do if you like a guy but aren't sure you really like him?

[bluebow80]

I am mid 40's and have never been married, my longest relationship is about 2 years. I broke up with a guy a couple of years ago or rather I was dumped by him when I pressed for something more than just seeing each other one day a week. I was very hurt by him and it took a while to get over it.

I did date a bit but nothing serious but earlier this year I did start seeing a guy about my age who is very nice. He isn't my usual type at all, he is fairly quiet and I suppose appearance wise while I think he is attractive I usually go for quite stylish men.

He does seem really keen on me, to be honest I think it would have petered out if he hadn't been prepared to do most of the running at the start as he lives about an hours drive away. I do like him and its really to feel really wanted and desired as opposed to feeling like they are doing you a favour for giving you their time. He isn't well off (nor am I) but he is kind and generous and he's a nice person to spend time with.

Its just that I don't feel super attracted to him. My Mum both said that he wasn't my type and that he seems far more into me than I am into him and my sister said that even a couple of years ago I wouldn't have looked twice at him.

Part of me thinks well in that case maybe that is a good thing? My picker has generally been off in the past so maybe him not being my usual type is a positive? On the other I wonder if perhaps I am settling for dating him because he seems to like me so much and it feels safer than risking my feelings with a guy who is perhaps more my type.

I know its early days really to be worrying about this but really he is so nice I don't want to hurt him or lead him on if it turns out I don't feel as strongly. It could of course be that my feelings do develop and this works out or that he could turn around and ghost me tomorrow, I've been blindsided like that before!

As always it just feels more pressured at this age, I don't have time to waste on the wrong guy anymore!

If he is a good guy, what's the worst that can happen if you give him a fair chance? Keep seeing him for a little while and see how it goes.

@Turnitoffnonagain Thanks, I suppose I just worry about wasting his time as well, after all that was what happened to me with the last guy who I feel strung me along while he knew I was really keen and he had "never been sure about me" i.e. using me as a placeholder.

It is so hard because I feel like I am in last chance saloon even if that isn't true the feeling and pressure is still the same.

Are you physically attracted to him? If yes then give it a go.

If no then don't try to force it just because he's "nice".

Been there, done that, got the ick.

I don't think it's likely your sexual desire for him will increase. If he's not physically attractive to you, then that's unlikely to change. Unless it's something very superficial like helping him choose nicer clothes or wear a new fragrance? Not that he necessarily would be into changing those aspects. If anything as time goes on you'll probably see more annoying traits in him. The more you spend time together.
If you're happy to just see how it goes, make it clear to him you're not considering marriage or anything serious at this point. If you feel you need a sexual spark, I'd say you probably need to kindly let him go. And continue your quest.

@Kevinspicey I think he is attractive although I don't think he would be considered especially attractive by most women, he has a nice kind face. Am I physically attracted to him? I don't know really, the sex is good actually but I don't look at him and this wow but perhaps in your 40's that is too much to ask for?

@BobbyBiscuits I think if he dressed differently that would help but then its really not my place to change how he dresses, I think he prefers a more relaxed style. I am trying to be open with him, he knows I was hurt in the past so perhaps it is ok just to see how it goes but I don't know if that kind of attraction really grows or if I'd be settling for a nice guy?

I do feel more upset or concerned about this as so my mum and sister both said he wasn't really my type and other people have said that they wouldn't have imagined me with a guy like him. Perhaps I'm just letting what they said mess with my head.

@bluebow80 you could always just suggest some clothes you like and say he'd look handsome in it. Most blokes can usually be persuaded as long as it's not too wacky. I keep trying to get my fella into a kilt and a mohawk haircut, lol.
He does sound like a nice guy. But as I said, sexual desire probably won't increase unless you or him change in some way. Not that you should of course. If you're happy enough there's no reason to split up. As long as you are not proposing marriage then legging it you're not exactly leading him on.

You can definitely influence the way he dresses in time! I think if he’s a nice guy, he’s making an effort and you have chemistry then it has potential. Ignore what your family say and be happy.

Thanks everyone I appreciate the advice, I could try him with some new clothes I suppose if he is up for it, even if it was just for special occasions. In the mean time I will just see how it goes. I am thinking as well that I might just be feeling this way as a kind of self protective strategy after what happened last time.

Don't ever settle just because he's comfortable.

For now, I'd continue to see him. Sometimes attraction can grow and sometimes it doesn't but I'd wait and see.

Why would you suggest him trying new clothes? That's sounds quite controlling and a bit odd, tbh.

Well the 2 men I dated who were the most preoccupied by what they wore - being stylish you could say - also turned out to be players. So I don't think it's something to aim for, and maybe that's why you've had prior difficulties. It's not the most important trait you need in a man. Just as long as they don't turn up in embarrassing clobber. Give him a chance, sounds like it's about time you broke the mould if you want it to stick.

Your mum and sister saying he’s not your type is unhelpful.

If your longest relationship to date is 2 years, that strongly suggests to me that your previous type doesn’t really work for you.

I have always had a range of types and it’s worked out well for me. And I was not at all the original type of my DH. But he was 37 when we met and after several relationships that lasted 1-2 years, he wanted to try something new. We’ve been together about 25 years.

He’s ticking a lot of boxes. I would say keep going for now. DH and I were slow burn to start with. I think that’s fine.

I'd ignore the "he doesn't seem your type" comments. What is a type anyway! Why should other people get to define that? And it doesn't seem like your "type" was working out well.

The sex is good, so I wouldn't worry so much about smart clothes - that seems more about a status symbol to me. Does he make you happy? If so, I'd relax and enjoy getting to know him.

I think if the sex is good, and you enjoy spending time with him, that’s a great start.

re the clothes, does he have a specific style, or does he wear whatever. If the latter, and he isn’t fussed about clothes, that’s easily changed, just buy the clothes you want him to wear for birthday / Christmas presents and steer him in the right direction with complements!

I wasn’t madly attracted to my DH when I met him. I didn’t think he was unattractive. I just didn’t look at him and lust after him, our seeing each other in the beginning was just nice. There were no fireworks or anything. But I wasn’t in a rush and just let things go wherever they went. Ten years on I’m madly in love with him and really, really fancy him.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. It might fizzle out, it might evolve into something special.

You sound lovely and tactful. You mentioned his appearance and dress quite a bit. Honestly, are you embarrassed by him? No judgement.

@Terrribletwos if it's from a nice place, and done kindly then why not suggest? He doesn't have to. But he might try it on and see he looks good and that you think he looks handsome? Some men don't know or care about clothes but can be guided a little bit.

I got this with my boyfriend. He is pretty scruffy in terms of the way he dresses. It doesnt bother me. But he is a very decent man, with a good job and stable. He is very kind to me.

A friend of mine once said he dresses like a sack of shit and I felt 😔 for my boyfriend.

How would you react if a man asked a woman to change the way she dresses as he's embarrassed by her.

How would you feel if he ended things with you? Sad, relieved, something else?

I disagree re changing the way he dresses.
if he’s comfortable leave him alone. I’d be so upset if I realised my DH was embarrassed off me. My DH earns six figures but is always in joggers and crocs outside of work unless it’s a meal out or occasion. I draw the line when something has paint on. But it’s his choice not mine.

You say you don't have time to waste anymore. Why? I mean at 45 you no longer have to worry about settling in order to have kids (not that that's something anyone should do anyway). You have all the time in the world. Be MORE picky, not less.

If you don't fancy someone, why bother?

I am not sure. The way you say it sounds ok. But the way I think it sounds controlling. Why should a partner dictate how the other dresses?

"it feels safer than risking my feelings with a guy who is perhaps more my type."

What do you mean by this? You could date him, or your usual types, who finest you that well? Surely that says more about your emotional boundaries that are way off kilter which is worrying.

Are you settling?