Looks like my marriage is over - feeling really numb

[curlywurlywee]

My dh and I are on the brink of splitting up and I don't know how I feel about it. About 2 months ago, there was a domestic violence type incident and this tipped me over the edge and made me realise that I had to get out. He was very sorry about eventually and now seems to really want to split up to. He has been very controlling over the years we've been together and has done some awful things, by his own admission.

I've been married before and have a teenage dd by my first marriage and we have a dd between us.

I am struggling to come to terms with the fact that I may be twice divorced and what the hell will people think and what will I think about myself (the word loser comes to mind). I know this isn't helpful but I can't get it out of my head - I feel so ashamed). My xh had lots of affairs and has done it since so I don't think I had much to do with that one.

My dh is just like a little boy in his behaviour. He has backed away emotionally from our dd and I am disgusted at him. I tackled him about it and all he could say was, "I've got to protect myself" meaning that if he wasn't going to be living with her full time he has to cut himself off a bit. Am I the only one that thinks this is absolutely selfish, pathetic behaviour? It just makes me think I need to get away from him as soon as possible. I'm gutted though that I've got to go through all this crap again. Am really numb.

I am so sorry your going throught his. But please dont worry what others will think of you. All you need to worry about is your dd's and yourself. Do you have friends and family around to help you through this?

Can you go away for a few days and have some time to yourself to think and decide what to do? Once you are emotionlly ok you will need to start thinking of the practicals in terms of money and such like.

You know the way having been divorce before. I have been divorced too and i wasi that ended the marriage and my x didnt want to go.

Its a hard thing regardless of who's decision it is to leave. But the dd's must be the foremost thought before any action by either of you is said or done.

I hope more mn's come along soon to support you. Take care x

Thanks sugarpear, I do have some good friends but haven't had the courage to tell my parents yet. I am going to put the dcs first and they are all that matter to me at the mo. My eldest really dislikes dh because of what she's seen him put me through over the years - now I feel really guilty about that! She told me the other day that she couldn't be herself at home because of him. He's very judgmental and hates it when we have a laugh and joke together. Don't know how I got to this point.

Sugarpear speaks some very wise words. Do not be bothered by what other people think.

I have recently been in a similiar situation myself and would highly reccommend you taking a look at the book 'Living with the Passive Aggressive Man', it was a real eye opener for me and helped me to understand a great deal.

Your DH withdrawing from your dd in order to 'protect himself', the controlling behavior, they could all apply to a passive aggressive male. HTH

Having the strength to end an unhealthy relationship does not make you a loser. What's important here is the health and wellbeing of you and your children. As sugarpear says, take a break, and get some space so that you can think about what you need to do.

Your DH is acting like a child - it sounds like he is feeling sorry for himself - just let him get on with it, and don't play his games.

Stay strong..

Yes it is totally selfish pathetic behaviour from him. Sadly though it is all too common.

And rather than thinking of yourself as the failure, focus on those sorts of actions from him to reassure yourself that however much this hurts, it is him that has failed and him that has let you all down.

What sort of parent 'protects himself' i.e. distances himself from his own child?! Surely if you're splitting up, his reaction should be to spend as much time with dd as possible and start putting plans in place to make sure that continues to be the case and he is the best parent he can possibly be!

I'm currently going through a divorce, not even 30 yet! And am totally ashamed. I understand exactly how you feel.

But when I talk to people about why I have had to take this step, there isn't 1 person who would suggest I should stay in that relationship. And H's behaviour following the split, just like you H's, only serves to justify exactly why divorce is the right thing.

I know it doesn't make it any easier. But if you know it's for the right reasons just try to stay focussed on that. As long as you are ok then your dd's will be fine too.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Dont feel guilty. Its easy not to see whats under your nose. My eldest ds hated my xh. It was not till after we split he told me he used to hit him when i wasnt around. But my son never told me as he thought i was happy with him and he didnt want his sisters to lose their dad. So you can imagine how full of guilt i felt.

Take time to get yourself together. You dont have to tell your parents until you are ready for it. I didnt tell mine till the weekend before he left. They were shocked but very supportive.

Will You bo ok finacially and able to stay within your home?

Again do not care a jot about what other people think. Nobody can possibly know what has gone on in your relationship without being you. I think most people really just want you/everyone to be happy. So now focus on yourself and your girls and on what you need to do for the future.
I do think it is very selfish of him to protect himself by distancing the child you have together. In fact it's pretty despicable.

I dont think anyone will judge you - would you do that - of course not.

You are doing the right thing and showing your dds what strong woman should do.

He may be hurting though so dont be too hard on him - we all do and say some silly things when we feel out of control which he probably does now.

Thanks everyone for your support. Sugarpear, is he your second husband? So sorry for you and your ds - we can't always know what's going on though can we.

All my friends tell me they would have ditched him years ago and that they have seen his controlling behaviour for themselves. Why do I pick the wrong ones?

Baffy - so sorry you're going through this aswell. Do you mind me asking what your dh did?

The plan is that when we sell the house (which is looking unlikely), we will go our separate ways and buy something each. In the meantime, I am starting a job soon and he will then go and rent somewhere (said he was looking for a studio flat and I had to remind him that he needed two bedrooms, one for his dd - he said "oh, I suppose you're right" - what the hell's that about?)

He had an affair when ds just turned 1, and sold our house (me believing we were moving to a new one, lovely home, close to good schools), but he left us before signing the contracts on the new house. I'm now living with my mum while I try to pick up the pieces and buy on my own.

In the last 18 months I've taken him back a couple of times, but he's continued to cheat (with the same woman) both times.

He refuses to divorce me ('it's not what he wants and he loves me'?!) but obviously there's only so many chances someone deserves! And actions speak louder than words!

So I'm having to do my absolute worst nightmare, and divorce him. The one thing I vowed I'd never do. 'For better for worse' and all that!!

And as much as I love him (or the man he was), and I didn't bring ds into this world to then give up on my marriage and bring him up alone, I can't change H and I have to put myself (and my sanity) first!
And he really has pushed it too far and behaved horrendously (to put it mildly!).

I won't go on. But I hope that helps you understand that even though I know how heartbreaking this is for you, sometimes, even though it's not what you want to do, you know it's the right decision.
(Hope that makes sense!)

Hi yes dh now is my 2nd dh. Although 1st was never a dh!! This marriage hasnt been without its tantrums and an almost divorce too. Mine had an affair too.

You never can see whats going on in front of you. Its easy for a 3rd party to see all the negative behaviour. But tbh and fair even if they told us we dont want to hear it.

As baffy says we marry for better or worse. But who chose's when its worse? Some have a higher tolerance level than others.

We on here and all your rl friends can give you all the love and support you need but ultimately its your decision what you do regarding your marriage and whats best for you and your dd's.

Take care x