How to be a good 'MIL' ?

[NormaSnorks]

Both my sons are in their 20s in what seem like long term relationships with lovely young women. They may end up being my daughter-in-laws in time, who knows?

When they come and stay I want to be a good 'mother-in-law' person, but I don't really know how!

DH's mother was polite but I never really felt I knew her, and at times I felt she was a bit cool/ stand offish. She never called me directly, we didn't do anything together (shopping/ coffee?) which was probably partly because they lived quite far away, and also because she was quite old when I met her.

I have very few females in my life (no mum, sisters, aunts etc) and I'll welcome my sons' partners, but I'm worried about trying too hard/ being overbearing etc!

If you have a lovely MIL what is she like? What does she do?

I have found my MIL very irritating at times, it is the nature of the in-law dynamic, but one lovely thing she has said, when we've apologised for the house being pretty messy, is that she visits to see us not to check on the level of cleanliness.
The best thing she did though, was raising a DS who does not see running a home/family as 'woman's work' and who never hesitated in realising the time spent on maternity/stay at home parenting as a joint benefit and, should he be the sole earner, see that income as joint.
The fact you see the need to ask this question makes me think you will be a pretty good MIL.

It's nice that you're even thinking about this.
As PP noted, bringing your sons up to be independent is a massive help and not doing everything for them. My MIL did everything for her sons so I'm now the moany wife when I ask him to be more organised/responsible, use the toilet brush, wipe his crumbs off the worktop etc.

Also I would love it if my in laws called ahead when visiting to see if we want company rather than just turning up at the door. It makes me so angry!

My Mum always got on well with both mine and my brothers partners, and the way she did it was by just being a friend.

I think that's where some MILs go wrong. They're either too formal, or they overstep hugely.

For instance, the one time my Mum ever really cocked up with DP, was when our washing machine decided to give up the ghost. We were pretty skint at the time, and my Mum just decided to buy us one. Ordered it, picked a delivery day and offered to wait in our house for it if we weren't around.

I was just chuffed we'd be getting a new washing machine, but DP was fuming. She wanted input on which one to get, which functions it needed, what colour is was etc.

What my mum had seen as just a nice thing to do, DP had seen as boundary crossing. And it was, while you might loan or even gift a friend the money if they're struggling, you'd never presume to actually buy something that expensive to go in their house.

With my fella since the start of this year and I've never been happier and part of the reason is his folks honestly!

They are unbelievable. His dad always kisses me on the cheek when he sees me. They remember the foods I like. Most importantly always ask about me and my family etc and always check in

I have a lovely MIL and she's always been a great support to me (for over 35 years). Never judges, never critical, doesn't exactly treat me like a daughter but I've always felt that she cares about me and is always very interested and chatty. Some specific things are thoughtful birthday gifts, sharing books and keeping magazines for me. I have a SIL exactly the same age (we are close too) and my MIL is always very careful to make sure all the siblings and in laws get on too - no stirring. I've just always felt lucky to be do welcomed.

I have a great relationship with MIL, quite strained with SMIL, although that's to do with SIL/SMIL strained relationship due to a national TV Programme they both appeared on.

One tip, if they have their own homes, do not call over unannounced. I hate it, the house may be a tip, we're in the middle of tea, trying to settle young children etc. it's never welcomed, always call before going over. Also, just allow them their own privacy regardless of living situation. Don't pry, don't delve, but ask enough to show interest.

My MIL always messages me re holidays, shopping, check up on the kids etc. it's nice to know she cares and keeps the communication open between the two of us rather than just her and my husband.

Ultimately, the girl/woman will make up her own mind of whether you "gel" or not. Be pleasant, don't pry too much, offer a drink, ask about generalities, let her come to you. If you have a great relationship with your son, most of the time it follows with their partner.

Think it all seems to abit strange when grandchild appear tbh. I don't really understand why tbh.

I have an okay relationship with MIL, we don't go out just the two of us or anything but we can spend a weekend together as a family just fine. The thing that really winds me up though is she just doesn't seem to make a note of things I like/don't like.

I've been with DH for ten years, but things like she brings a bottle of wine for dinner (lovely, thank you, I accept graciously) but then she wants to open it and share it with me but it's a type of wine I can't stand. I really hate carrots so she made...carrot soup. Our home is quite quirky but well put together and 'curated', but she buys us tacky plastic fridge magnets and coasters from holiday...

It's not malicious, she just doesn't seem to value my tastes. So - try and make an effort to remember what they like and can't stand!

Totally on your mum's side here. Your DP sounds passive aggressive and competitive. A gift's a gift.

My son’s been married for four years to a really lovely girl - we all adore her. Like you I wanted to be a good MIL and thought a lot about how to play it…

I think the most important thing is to recognise that DIL is always, always the number one priority in my son’s life and to not do anything that implies anything different. I also try to never comment on anything to do with their home other than compliments or when my opinion is sought. I wouldn’t dream of dropping by without texting first, but we live three hours away so that’s not likely to happen anyway.

Otherwise I’d say take an interest in what she likes and is interested in, celebrate her successes but don’t be too over the top, offer help (I’ve helped them with decorating etc) but always tell them you won’t be in the least offended if they’d rather do it themselves, and treat them as a unit. We always expect that they will make decisions as a pair and try not to just approach DS but the two of them together. For example, when we were getting rid of one of our cars, we asked them if they’d like it as we knew they were having car issues. We asked them both together and said, have a chat and let us know rather than asking just DS.

Also, I make a point of never mentioning grandchildren! My (otherwise v lovely) MIL mentioned several times how much she was looking forward to having GC when we were young marrieds and I really felt the pressure so I’m not doing that to my own DC!

She loves my DS very much and I’m incredibly thankful for that. She’s become like another daughter to us and we love her very much.

I disagree. A gift is a gift, but if you're going to buy something like white goods, or furniture for someone, it really needs to be signed off by the people who actually have to live with it.

In our case DD was wetting the bed multiple times a night, and my Mum bought a washing machine where the shortest program was nearly 3hrs and with a small drum. DP had found something that worked for us, we were going to buy it when my Mum announced she'd already bought us one.

It was an absolutely lovely gesture from my Mum, but it really made life hard work for a good two years until DD stopped bed wetting.

Following as I'd like to take some advice on this too! Even though with an eight month old son I hopefully won't have to apply it for some time 🤣

Sorry, your question was more about sharing our own good MILs but I made my response about what I did when in your position….apologies for that!

I’m sure you’ll do a good job because you want to get it right and seem to appreciate the girls already. Being kind and friendly goes a long way and you sound both. 😊

I'd say to not be an opinion dumper.

I totally agree with the poster who said treat them as a unit. My MIL will visit mostly when I’m not there and it certainly doesn’t feel nice. Trust that your children will pick good partners and look for the good because most people are a mix of good and not so good. Treat them all the same, even if it is more difficult with one over the other as it really is noticeable. Invite them all to events, don’t side with one family more. I can tell you from experience it’s really not nice being on the receiving end of a MIL who prefers the other SIL and makes it known. In my opinion I’d rather it be too much and then not enough. You can always say if it’s too much then you won’t do something, at least they know you thinking about them and the offer if their. My MIL doesn’t offer her support with anything, kids etc. We have no baring on what she thinks is acceptable so we don’t ask for anything.

You are clearly a nice person to even ask this so just be yourself! Xx

@leli Why should anyone have to take a "gift is a gift" because someone wants them to? It is overstepping and unnecessary in this day and age. I was buying my DIL a dishwasher. She and DS picked out what they wanted and sent me the link. I bought them exactly what they wanted and everyone was happy. It just seems like a more pleasant way to interact with adults.

This!

I’ve always got on really well with my MIL, she’s very much a girls girl even though she only has sons. She is just generally a lovely loving person and treats each of her DILs as her own, even to the point of buying us our own mugs for her house with our initial on them.