Separation - don't want 50/50

[Crissy83]

Hello Mumsnet
I've finally got to the place where I've decided to separate from my husband.
The relationship is toxic and we have both done things we're not proud of. However, one of the main reasons I want to go is to protect my children. He has never laid a hand on them but can be emotionally aggressive, examples might be calling one of the DC 'disgusting', not the behaviour, the person, kicking their toys in frustration, snarling etc
Whilst I was there I could try and protect them from this to some extent. I'm terrified of this behaviour still happening when I'm not around if we have 50/50 custody. I'm aware some of the alternative may be quite nuclear which I really don't want either. What are my options?! TIA

Would he realistically want to have them 50% of the time?

He says he would, but that may be a defence mechanism at the moment I guess...

I’d say he’s doing that to hurt you, and to avoid paying CMS. I doubt he’d want it in reality.
How old are the kids? They will get a say in how often they see him eventually

I would seek advice from your solicitor. If he is verbally abusive it may be grounds to ask for supervised and reduced contact but they can give more realistic advice about your options.

I had similar concerns, but my solicitor suggested that unless I had very clear evidence of abuse it was very unlikely I'd get more than 50/50. But as suggested above, a solicitor may be able to give you good advice based on your specific circumstances. Good luck!

If you don’t think it’s in DC’s best interests then you need to set out the reasoning and evidence for that. Do they have a particular need for routine, would it impact their education, are you able to avoid using childcare where he would have to etc? But if you’re claiming that he’s abusive to them, then it’s not credible to suggest that he’d only be abusive if he had them 50% of the time - he’d surely still be abusive even if he only had them 40% or 20%, which weakens your argument. Either it isn’t safe for them to be with him unsupervised or it is.

How involved is he day to day? How old are the children. The threat of 50-50 often arises but once the reality sets in that they would actually have to do 50% of the parenting they quickly change their mind.

Realistically this is more the issue if I'm honest: maybe I'm naively hoping if he is with them less, he'll get better. I'm trying to avoid a nuclear war with them, on the face of it he's kind and caring. Behind closed doors he has an extremely short fuse and raging temper. Maybe I have to face into it and talk to a solicitor like suggested. It feels terrifying going alone. Thanks for the advice

How old are your children? Are they of an age where their wishes would be taken into account? What do you think they would want?

If he asks for 50/50 then start with every other weekend and make sure he does whole days with them.
What I mean is say he has Sat/Sun/Monday night one week and he works Monday - Friday 8-4. He can’t drop off the kids to your house on Monday at 7am so he can get to work on time as he’s responsible for them until Tuesday morning. He has to either organise a late start on Monday or a childminder/breakfast club to take the kids to school. If it’s a school holiday then he needs to take that day off or organise a holiday club. Child maintenance is based on overnights- some men will ask for 6pm (after work) to 7am the next morning so they are credited with an overnight but he should do whole days for 50/50. People with every other weekend pattern will do a weeknight dinner during the week that they don’t see the child which is not the same thing. Kids do better with fewer changes so I suggest that you agree that parent with the overnight drops off at school /picks up on school nights.

Do you think he’s likely to want his weekends free for going out with friends/meeting women ? This might increase the likelihood of him ditching 50/50 quite quickly. Does he work at night ? Travel for work ? This might also make 50/50 unworkable. Is he likely to move back in with parents ? Do they live close enough to do school runs ? He might delegate that kind of thing to his mum or new gf but 50/50 is quickly going to break down if something basic like the school run isn’t possible.

Have him explain how he’d do his 50/50 time if he doesn’t do much childcare now. Make sure he understands that if a child is ill on his day then he must take the day off and that there’s 13 weeks of school holidays so he will probably need to get some childcare for some of those 6.5 weeks that he needs to cover.