I need help

[Firstmom264]

I’ve always been a people pleaser, always too scared to say no or upset people.. and the relationship I am in has really tested my patience and pushed my limits. In a previous post I explained about my partner never meeting my family, not took the time to properly bond with my 9 year old son, constantly 2 minded about what he wants in life and I just ‘put up’ with it or make excuses for it. It’s always been just me and my son (his dad died 8 years ago). I brought a house for us 7 years ago and always been very happy here. My partner moved in a few months ago. His son (age 4) sleeps over 2 nights a week also, and I hate it. I constantly feel on edge, I feel like this ‘family time’ is very forced and I constantly feel judged by how I parent my son. I still have those feelings for my partner and in an ideal world things would be different but they aren’t. We ended things 2 weeks ago (he did that) but soon came back once he explained he had no where to go, no where to take his son to and it made me feel awful. I feel like I just want to be on my own now just me and my son where I’m not walking on egg shells. But scared of ending it as I know it will mean a massive argument, things getting nasty and obviously him having no where to go.. I just feel stuck, putting up with something I’m not comfortable with anymore just to make everyone else happy.

You don't have to let him stay Op, he ended the relationship so he doesn't get to come back just because he now has nowhere to take his DC. He'll just have to see them in the day somewhere.

Hom having nowhere to go isn't your problem OP. Where did he come from?

So where did he live before he moved into yours?
He’ll have to find a place to rent like everyone else who doesn’t own their home. And his son obviously has another parent who he lives with the majority of the time so he won’t be out on the streets

You owe this man nothing - don’t stay with him through guilt or fear of upsetting him. Put you and your son first and tell him he has to move out

It's not your problem. Do t let him use you. He can go back to wherever he came from before he lived with you. ! Don't be a doormat.

He was living at his moms. When he split up with his ex he moved in with a friend for around a year and a half, then moved in with his mom for a while after that, we met while he was living with his mom.. I just feel awful that I’d hate to be in a situation like that. Being told I’m not wanted anymore and not having much choice of where to go..

When it ended it was horrible, 2 days of nasty texts, arguing, crying.. but ultimately he apologised, wanted to talk and ended up making up and was back to normal again.. I just felt terrible with him not having anywhere to go.. I think if my feelings had gone it wouldn’t be an issue. I do love him I just know deep down I don’t feel happy or comfortable, not even in my own home

He sounds like a real catch.

not.

OP, time to grow a spine. He's an adult and perfectly capable of finding somewhere to live. You don't exist to make his life easier. He has parents who could have him. Time for him to pack up; you have a happy life to pursue.

So you would rather be miserable yourself than make this man feel unwanted? Sorry but you really need to put YOUR feelings first and think about you and your son.

You say you’d hate to feel not wanted so you’d rather be dishonest with how you feel about him - isn’t that far worse in the long run?

He's putting himself first and using you. And probably thinks you are a fool for letting him. He certainly wouldn't do the same for you if the roles were reversed. Can't you see that? Chuck him out.

You are inviting him to walk all over you. He will find somewhere to go. It’s not your problem. This relationship need ending asap.

You started by saying you are a people pleaser. But this urge not to let down comes at the expense of your own happiness, needs and wants. I think you need to ask yourself why are you doing this? Why do you need to please all the time? You so called partner picks up on this and take advantage of your weaknesses and that's just too obvious. Is it that you really love him or just 'hate' to disappoint, hate not to be wanted or needed, scared to face confrontation and difficult conversations?This is a toxic relationship, OP. He is certainly not giving you anything back and only taking more and more and abusing the situation.
End it decisively and with no ambiguity, not leaving the door open. Best thing you can do for both you and your son.

By the way, you are not setting a good example for your son who also picks up that you are easy to manipulate. He needs a strong mum who sets boundaries and protects him and herself so he can develop his own sense of what's ok and what's not.

Not to sound too harsh op but how about instead of thinking about this giant man baby and his poor boo-boo feelings and whether or not he has a place to stay try putting your child first and think about how this is going to affect him long term (I mean your partner makes no effort with him and you think it's fine to carry on?). FFs grow a spine, kick this man out and block him.

So your 9 year old son has had his safe, comfortable home turned into this place where he senses his mum walking on eggshells - at the very minimum.
You really need to kick him out and get your home back.
He's a grown ass man and can sort his problems out himself.

Imagine how good you will feel when it's just you and your son, you guys will have your own little bubble back and live life how you want.

Do it for your son, then it's surely easy.

OP, you've simply got to prioritize yourself and your DC for once.

Your DP is a grown man, who is responsible for his own housing/finances/parenting etc.

Quite simply, you need to stop allowing your emotions to ruin your lives !

You have your own finances/housing/parenting to do, and it's NOT your job to 'look after' him !

If you're not careful and determined to save yourself and your DS from this 'man baby', you'll be putting posts on MN in 10yrs time saying
'My DP has told my son to move out, and now my son won't talk to me' and 'My DP only cares about his DS, not mine' etc etc
And saying how you've wasted 10yrs on a man who doesn't make you happy or even care for or love you or your son.

Big girl pants on, and DP shown the door, for good !