Anyone else feel lonely even though they are not alone?

[Northernlights100]

I am very lucky & have quite a lot of friends. I generally see a friend at least once a week but each friend I might only see once every 4-6 weeks. I receive a few messages a day from friends but often as I initiate this.
I have DC who live with me over half the week. As they’ve got older they’ve become independent & don’t spend much time with me if we are at home.
I have a boyfriend who I really enjoy spending time with but it’s hard to see him more than once a week, & sometimes less, due to our other commitments. We message but don’t speak on the phone.
I have some extended family but they all live far away & are busy with their lives.
I work from home & only have 1 meeting a week online.
I don’t have anyone I can call if I want to chat. My DM would always answer my calls & now she’s gone it’s left such a hole in my life. I don’t know how to fill it. Anyone else been in a similar situation & can offer advice?

I know I’m lucky to have DC, a boyfriend, some family & friends as some people don’t have that but I don’t know how to stop feeling lonely. Maybe I need to do a gratitude diary.
I think it’s worse at certain times of the month or after I’ve had a particularly fun time.

Op, I think it is the quality of friendships that make the difference here.

I'm sorry for the loss of your mum, it sounds like you had a lovely relationship there, someone to listen and I realise the value of this as I get older.

I have a good friend but lately it doesn't feel like she is listening properly. She doesn't check in with as often as she could (very little) and it is me who contacts her to chat. In essence, I am not a priority to her and she is becoming less of a priority to me. I realise I need different friendships, I'm working on it but it can be difficult as really good friends can be difficult to find (the meet up every few week friends much easier to find). I am on the waiting list for counselling as I feel a real gap here - I would really value someone who would just sit and listen. It shouldn't be much for us to ask for really but for some of us it just turns out this way.

How is it that you only see your boyfriend once a week? This doesn't sound like it would help emotional connection.

Working from home won't help either most likely as it doesn't bring you into contact with people in 'real life'. You have a number of things going on here - loss of your mum, limited time spent with your boyfriend, less contact with your children and working from home. I can understand why you might feel the need for more human contact.

I have a lot of limitations (won't go into them here) but essentially, I could become lonely. Fortunately, I have interests that keep me connected with self also. Having said this, you can't beat the human connection and interactions.

Not sure what to suggest op, other than perhaps a change of job. Hopefully, someone will come along shortly with other suggestions. There is always the obvious - investigate your interests etc. as this might widen your potential for meeting others (it is through this that I am slowly building a social network). I feel for you as nothing is an instant fix in terms of forming human relations.

Thank you @precariouswitch , that has given me food for thought.

My mum could be quite negative & was very lonely herself (although wouldn't admit it) but she devoted her life to her DC. It’s not surprising I feel a huge gap without her.

I think you are right about friendships. Part of the problem is that everyone has so much going on but also that I’ve tried to maintain too many friendships.

It’s hard when a friendship doesn’t feel balanced. I have some like that. I’m sorry to hear that you are drifting from your good friend. I’ve not had a ‘best’ friend for many years now and I miss that. I hope you get counselling soon. I have paid for some which helped at the time but it’s so expensive.

It’s really hard to see my boyfriend more as he almost has sole custody of his DC & they haven’t been that open to me being around.

I think shorter term I need to keep working on finding daily in person interaction. I was working on this but the school holidays have been a set back to this. In the longer term, as the DC need me less, then working on my interests is a good idea. I don’t feel I’ve had time for this but it is a good idea.

No problem Northernlights It is lovely to talk about this as although I'm not in an identical situation, I am facing similar challenges. I am acutely aware that things are not as I would like them although things are improving in some ways. I have very little in the way of extended family, no siblings etc. parents deceased and this can't be changed. I have dc but this is a different relationship and not the same as adult company.

Pursuing my interests has made a big difference as I have got to know many new faces. I have developed some casual friendships and a couple in particular look like they could become good friends. I have evenings out throughout the month and get to share time with like-minded people.

I think the thing with my friend is that she is finding things difficult to face. We had a scenario where we both had difficulties involving relationships of one kind or another. We did well listening to each other and I would say it was recipricol. However, it is like she has reached a limit as to how much she can face and because she has a fair bit going on for herself, she isn't able to hold space for me. People have their limits and I realise that, hence the wait for counselling.

The situation regarding your boyfriend sounds difficult. Having sole custody must be intense especially if he has little support in real life and depending on the ages of his dc. I know a gentleman who did this and it curtailed his life a fair bit socially for several years whilst his dc were young. Only you are best placed to know whether this is enough for you. It is so very tough.

Things can and do change. I think you have to actively pursue making changes, however, some of it can also be down to luck - being in the right place etc.

May I ask, why don’t you and your guy talk on the phone?

I was at my most lonely inside a marriage that was wrong for me, relationships too, yet have never felt it with DP though we don’t live together (been together years).

@precariouswitch yes I agree that having DC is not the same as adult company. It sounds like an interest is helping you over time. I feel I’d need to choose between an interest or a partner as I don’t have time for both around DC, work & friends.

I agree with friends having their limits. I wish counselling was more freely available. It allows you to say things without the fear of being judged or being a burden to that person. It is hugely beneficial. I hope things improve for you both.

I was in a LT relationship which I ended partially as I couldn’t give him the time he wanted. It was more than that though as I didn’t see a future together. So in theory, this relationship is the time commitment I wanted but I’m struggling as I’m not getting the emotional support I need. I see that I’m probably expecting too much as he doesn’t have time for this. The DC are secondary school agw. I want the support of a proper relationship but I also want to have my days with my DC mostly on my own & time to see my friends in the evening at least once a fortnight. Maybe you can’t have your cake and eat it!

He never rings. I was trying to ring once a week to get it started but sometimes things get in the way.
We have spoken in person recently about how to try to see each other more but it’s not easy. He says he wants to but there are barriers. I think I need to see if anything changes after this conversation.

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