Having issues in two year relationship

[Prittle]

In a nutshell have been having some issues.

We have been arguing a lot lately which is a real difference from our typical day to day.

Key arguments seems to be centring around future plans. Our lives are currently based in a large capital city but I have a real hunger for and desire to travel with work. He would prefer to be near family and based in our current shared city but has said he won’t rule out living abroad one day.

We currently live where he wants to (for various reasons this works well for me at the moment) but I’d like to live closer to where I used to (perhaps 30 minutes away so not ridiculous). It is very difficult for us to do this currently as he owns his own place so I have offered to rent somewhere.

He doesn’t want to live in what he sees as a “poky room” somewhere more central and has asked me to be more flexible and patient. I do get this as he doesn’t charge me rent for example but I take issue with the fact I have offered and offered this (instead I pay for all our joint groceries in an arrangement he has suggested) and it was used back against me in an argument in the context of him saying he has been generous. I am sad about this as he actually lived with me rent free for several months (I was renting while he paid his mortgage) and obviously I didn’t want him to have to pay costs on two properties / it was my decision to live where I lived; but he can’t seem to appreciate the distinction.

he has criticised my desire to want to live somewhere more convenient (which I would fund) as a “stupid decision” and would rather I save.

Finally I suggested we house sit in order to benefit from central living on a free basis. I appreciate this is not for everyone but rather than debating he said he “would not be dominated in a relationship” and eventually relented saying he would try it once.

i am left feeling really pushy and unreasonable after all these discussion even though it is me who is compromising - or that’s how it feels. I don’t like being dismissed or shut down also. He has plenty of incredible qualities and how things are going has come as a shock. Please can someone advise

Hopeful bump

What's keeping you together? It's ok to say you want different things. You do seem to

Tbh I can sort of see his point of view. If he owns a place it would seem like a backwards step to rent or house sit instead.

Thanks. Yes I do get that but his place is very far away from where I have been used to living. It’s over 40 mins further from the town centre / friends / work from where I used to live - all in, about 1hr15 from the centre whereas previously I lived about 30 mins away from the town centre.

it was always discussed that I would find somewhere for us to move more centrally. I’m sad because I’m far away from friends / work etc whereas he has lived here all his life and obviously has a stronger pull. Perhaps I am being unfair

Thanks for the comments so far

Could you live separately and see each other on weekends?

Is it ain’t working out.. then it ain’t working out I guess. Only you two can solve it or not.

I think it sounds like you just have different wants/goals in life, neither of you are wrong, but one of you would always be unhappy to compromise.

I’m with him though in that I wouldn’t go back to renting/house sitting when he already has his own property.

Sometimes things just aren’t meant to last forever and that’s okay.

I'm not really sure what your question is.

You've basically just typed out all the reason you and your quite new partner are incompatible.

Which is fine and totally normal, that's the point of dating. Fancy each other? Great, step two. Like each other? Great, step three? Compatible? No. Separate.

Split up and each find someone who has the sameish wants in life.

The impression I’m getting is that he has done a bit of future faking with you - promising to move and live in different places in the future, but when you’ve made it clear it’s something you’d like to actually happen, he has backtracked and refused. He doesn’t want to move, it seems. He’s happy living where he lives.

I completely get your frustration. It can feel quite isolating being so far from family, friends etc. it’s a pain having to travel for that amount of time to socialize. And he’s made it clear he’s reluctant to move with you,

If I were you, I’d move out. Get your own place sorted. He can either follow you, or, the two of you will break up. You’ve lived with him (a sacrifice you made to be with him), now it’s his turn. Don’t ask. Don’t try to negotiate because he clearly isn’t listening. Just make the plans and explain that you’re not happy being so far away from everyone.

If you keep trying to have conversations about this, I don’t think you’ll get anywhere with him as you said he keeps shutting you down. So he isn’t actually listening to you, is he? I think a lot of men can be like this - especially if everything is working for them. Why would he want to change things, when he has everything his way?

Time to put yourself first, OP.

Definitely move out. Move to where you want to be. He wants to be sensible and you want excitement. He's not wrong and you aren't wrong, just different. I'd want to pay more to be closer to the action too. Move out.

Sounds like he's happy with the status quo, and you're not. He's got a purchased property where he is, you don't.

So you've got two options, get happy with the status quo, or leave the relationship. He's not going to change his mind.

It sounds like you don't want the same things and perhaps aren't compatible anymore, which is hugely sad but also okay because that's a part of life sometimes.

I was with somebody for five years and we lived together, I loved him very much but we didn't want the same things anymore and realised our paths were going in different directions. It was a painful break up but for the best.

Sometimes compromises can be made but I wouldn't advise becoming pushy in order for him to meet you halfway, if he doesn't want to he isn't going to

Wishing you lots of luck, what's meant to be will be x

has said he won’t rule out living abroad one day.

I wouldn't set any store in this. 'Not ruling something out' is not the kind of vibe that leads to someone heading oversea to live. He owns a house where he likes living. That's who he is and it's absolutely fine, it's just incompatible with what you want. I'd stop focusing on who paid who what to live with them because that's not really relevant to the issue here, unlike in the usual MN situations where the issue is unfairness or cocklodgery. Here it's a more straightforward situation where you've not been together that long and the signs are all there that you want different things in life. You're straining for change and he isn't. In that scenario, you should go for the change and leave him behind. Trying to make him change is futile and only going to make him do the wrong thing for him.