Tips needed on how to separate after 20 years, completely emeshed

[Newlifeawaits40]

I don't know where to start and I need help.
My husband and I got together when we were only 17 , we are now in our 40s. Our whole adult lives have been together. We are completely codependent, both of our families are enmeshed, we live like brother and sister.
I want to split more than anything and I am trying to get my ducks in a row to finally do it. I was a sahm before, I now work full time so I have my own income and money etc. I have already completely separated from him in my head and we don't really have a relationship, don't even share a bedroom. We have only stayed together because of the kids and as i said our lives are so enmeshed it all seems very difficult. I don't know where to start and I really need help.
I will list a few of my concerns, if anyone would mind commenting on them.
Circumstances are he worked and payed bills, I was sahm for 10 years and raised the kids. My family bought the house for us. He climbed the career ladder and now earns 60k plus. I earn minimum wage at the moment.

1. The house is too big for me to run myself, the bills too high. We would need to sell and split the proceeds. Who lives where in the meantime?
2. Who gets all the furniture amassed over 20 years?
3. Who gets the jointly owned family car?
4. I can't do the school runs as I work in a school. Don't know how i could manage this on my days with the kids.
5. He's currently working from home so can do the school runs but will be moving jobs soon where he will be out of the house 6am to 6pm
6. We have a family dog who we both love very much. Do we share him?
7. How do we tell our families? His family will hate me

These are the type of things that have put me off, the actual logistics of it are overwhelming to me. Plus the emotional impact on the children.

I don't know where to start, please help!!

Do you think he feels the same OP?
Or do you think he would fight it?

Some couples stay in the house until it’s sold. For others, one moves out. Maybe the one with the least household responsibilities or work hours that fit around the DC etc.

You can decide between you who gets what furniture car etc. solicitors will help here on financial settlements that will include assets. Is the house in your names or your family’s name?

Details like school runs can be worked out nearer the time.

Dog maybe 50/50 if you can be coparents you can probably codogown.

He can tell his family. You can tell yours. Or you can do a joint system of messaging depending on how he feels. Tell DC together if possible. Reassuring not their fault and both will still see them and you intend to remain as friendly as you can with each other.

Lastly, could this be depression peri/meno or are you absolutely done?

💐

Op could you afford to have counselling for yourself? It's such a huge huge thing you are going through - particularly concerns like bearing the burden of other peoples feelings ie his family (Which are fundamentally not your responsibility)

Try and see in your mind a time in the future - perhaps in a year - perhaps in two - when every single one of these logistical issues has been resolved and really really visualise it. See yourself calm, happy, living separately. You need to have that vision to get you through this.

I think the norm is one person moves out - him? While you sell the house - could you afford this?

Do you care much about the furniture? you could just get rid of most of it or take what you each need - I would say that comes second to deciding who lives where. Don't let attachment to objects get in your way. IN the end it's all just stuff and when you die you won't get to keep it!

If yiou are both at work for some of the school runs - you will have to put the kids in breakfast club etc. I would be very wary of 'letting ' him just say he can't do any drop offs or pick ups - is this something he is already concerned with? Or he just lets you worry about it?

How will he get the kids on those days? Can you afford a childminder to do wrap around? or an au pair?

Hi OP

1- It depends on what you agree to between you. A lot of people now just continue to cohabit until the house is sold as it’s cheaper/easier. Otherwise it’s for you to agree between you, the person who can afford the bills could stay, he may agree to continue contributing so you can stay, it’s up to the two of you to figure out.

2 & 3- Both become marital assets, you can divide those up however you like. If you can’t agree it can be decided by a judge in court.

4 & 5- Lots of parents are in the same position, it is a case of using family/friends/childminder/breakfast club/after school club. You are responsible for figuring this out on your days, he is responsible on his days.

6- Up to you if you want to share custody of the dog (I would, I love ours so much and couldn’t be without him)

7- Totally up to you!

Good luck Op x

If the family bought the house for you . Is it in joint names ? Or in the name of your family ?

It may be worth taking legal advice on this . It may still be counted as a matrimonial home but it is something that you need to check .

The house is in our name. I'm not overly stressing about that- if he gets 50% then so be it. I just want to be separated.

I've felt this way for years, but much worse since covid.
Our kids are nearly teenagers so school runs etc will get easier

In addition, I have some worries about changes that could happen in the next decade and feel like I need to protect myself and my future/retirement by acting now.
My parents are approaching 80. I am an only child. There will be a large inheritance. If I am not divorced by then and then go on to divorce I presume my husband would be entitled to half of this? I cannot let this happen.
Health wise his parents are going to start needing care and assistance and I know a lot of this would fall on me. I don't want to feel obligated to do this by being married to their son who I don't love.
I feel like I there's a timer going in my head where I need to get things sorted. I've let this go on for so long I just want to be free of him

You need to place any inheritance into a trust in order to keep it 'separate' from joint finances and to protect it from any potential divorce proceedings. If it's not in a trust, he will be entitled to some as part of a financial settlement.

Have you spoken to a solicitor yet?
Start there OP.
Get advice on how to get the divorce started and then you can decide how to let DH know. Everything else will be one step at a time.

💐