Pregnant in abuse

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Please don't judge me, I'm on the edge
I'm here for womanly support as I don't have any. I think I need love & support.

I'm 20 weeks pregnant with our first baby. When I fell pregnant we was in the middle of looking at houses to live together etc. I haven't perused that as he has become so abusive so I've hung onto my safety net & independence.

It's so bad, he'll be amazing for weeks. Loving, kind, generous, helpful. Like the most perfect partner in the world.
Then, over something so tiny, he will turn into the monster again. My heart can't take it anymore.

He came to stay last night, after an amazing few weeks, I felt tearful and sore and tired. I'd cooked us dinner & washed up, etc and just cried. He was being cold and hostile and had his head in his phone for hours. He told me I'm too needy, I'm a head case, I need counselling etc. I told him to leave and I was glad he did. I felt peace when he went.

I'm far from perfect. But I just don't know who he is. The lovely man or the monster.
He's very generous with money. He'll pay for everything & buy me things I don't ask for, then when he's in monster mode, he'll tell me I owe him money ? It's just crazy.

I've come to a point that the nice side of him doesn't mean nothing now because I know the monster will appear.
I'm scared to be needy, to be emotional, to be sensitive.

I don't know how he can be 2 different people. I'm always sat thinking what did I do, maybe I shouldn't have said anything, maybe I am too needy, maybe I caused it.
He's told me today he's had enough of me & doesn't need me.

I'm just SO sad. I dread anyone asking how I am.. I just burst out crying. I'm feeling up of confiding in him then him using my deepest insecurities against me when he's a monster. He twists everything I say.
Example.. last week my car broke. Was in garage a week. I was walking miles to do shopping and I mentioned it to him.. his response was "it's not my fault your car broke" rather than, do you need help shopping?
That's one of many examples

It's easy to let go of the monster.
It's hard to let go of the other part.

What do I do. Where do I turn.
Every time I get a bit stronger & happier he makes me hate myself again.
He tells me he deserves better than me.

I should be focusing on baby coming. But I just feel stuck x

Thankyou to any advice and wise words x

Speak to your midwife, your family, your GP, Women's Aid. Focus on how you felt when he left. You could feel like that all the time.

Hi,

Sorry this is happening to you, I have been in a relationship like this, the thing to remember is the nice side that he shows doesn't exist.
It's just fake to keep you interested, the nasty side of him is the real him, you really do need to move on without him. It's not going to get better, I know it's hard with the baby and everything but you can do it without him, I did.
In the end you will look back and see how awful it all was, even if you can't see it right now.

What BeachRide wrote here. Abuse also thrives on secrecy so do not keep quiet.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none so this is well and truly over. All the words he tells you are words an abuser would use against you. When he is "nice" this is really the nice part of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one; this is who he really is.

Your boundaries here, perhaps already skewed by previous abuse and or poor life experiences, are being further got at deliberately by this man now.

Where are your parents, are they at all helpful and or supportive?.

Give this child your surname and not his going forward; keep your child well away from him too.

The nice guy act is just a mask OP, I'm sorry your going through this,
Please choose safety, security and happiness for yourself and your baby.

Thanks everyone..
My parents live 25 miles away. (50 min drive) ish.
They are good parents but are very naive on abuse etc and don't understand so I don't tell them anymore
I'm just alone with it x

Have you contacted womens aid?

I'm sorry you feel alone. What you're going through is the cycle of abuse; that's when he's nice then suddenly seems nasty for no reason.

Can you contact a domestic abuse organisation. If you type domestic abuse help and put in your area, you'll find what's available locally.

You have kept your own place and job I'm assuming from your OP, which is great. Get advice on safety before doing anything as abuse tends to get worse when you finish the relationship.

Its good youre not married or live together. Pack your bags and move now whilst your able to before baby is here (its still possible but harder). Move closer to your parents. Text boyf and tell him its over. Block him on phone/delete socials etc. get yourself sorted mentally first. Speak to gp/midwife and Womens aid for support. Were all here too to motivate and cheer you on. Make the move soon tho. Hes very abusive and the nice him is all part of the abuse to reel you back in and keep you sweet xx

Please reach out, not just for you but for your child.

"the monster" is just him. He's showing you who he really is. The nice part as others have said is the disingenuous part. Speak to your midwife, women's aid, your parents. Please don't stay. You have a baby to think about now too x

Your parents might not know a lot about abuse now but hopefully they will learn about it and really step up to support you. They might surprise you. Just be honest about whats happening and dont keep anything a secret.

If you can, move closer to your parents if you know they will be a good support. Do it before you have the baby and don’t tell him your plans as he’ll be an absolute manipulative arsehole about it. With a bit of luck he will be put off by the distance and you won’t see him that often.

The only way abusive people get away with it is by being nice some of the time to draw us in.

That feeling you had when he left. When you put him out of your life you’ll feel like that all of the time.

well done for not living with this turd of a man.
💐

You have to bring this out into the light and seek support. Personally I’d be getting as far away from him as possible and replacing all phones/social media and building a new life.

Do not give the baby his name and be careful what you share online that mutual friends/family might unwittingly share.

Solo parent here - other great advice here OP, but just to add think very, very hard as to whether you put him on the birth certificate, as this means you will be stuck with him in your life for the next 18 years, and even better, he's got a pawn he can use against you in your child. Better to cut him out of your life entirely. Investigate solo parent groups near to you or your parents as they are very welcoming and you won't have to explain why its just you, and you'll get great support and social stuff.

Good luck