Kissed someone

[Strawberry000]

been in a 8 year relationship , having issues for 6 months. Got very ^^drunk the other weekend and kissed someone random in a bar, I have never done this before . Thought me and bf were breaking up , now I’m not sure if it’s what I want. I’m so confused . If I tell him he will leave me ,but I feel awful . Have a 1 year old for context .

I wasn't that bothered when my partner drunkenly kissed someone. I was bothered when it went further though.

Clearly you feel pretty bad about it....your guilt is your punishment enough. Why go and hurt your partner by telling him you f'd up? All that will achieve is your own relief of guilt,esp if it is something that you know you wouldn't do again.I think it will just create another issue in your relationship if you tell him and you end up staying together. It was a meaningless kiss, you didn't sleep with someone.

Forget it,take the guilt and move forward.

@Strawberry000 - you say you thought you were breaking up but now you’re not sure if you want to. So it sounds like you wanted to end your relationship and had made the decision to do so but are now questioning that.

You have a baby together so you do need to think harder about ending the relationship than you did before you brought a child into the set-up. A lot of couples have a tough first year.

We don’t know from what you’ve said whether he has behaved very badly since you had your baby (in which case fair enough to leave) or whether your relationship has just been suffering from that shock that a baby brings so you’re both knackered, a bit like ships in the night and a bit ratty with each other, particularly if you’ve had - in your case - 7 footloose and fancy-free years together where you’ve only had to focus on yourselves.

I think getting clearer on that in your mind would be helpful. As for the kiss: there’s no single right answer. In an ideal world you would tell him, of course. In his shoes, some people would want to know. Some people wouldn’t. Telling him could be the making of your relationship or it could be the end of it. Only you will have a sense of that. But since you now have a baby together, you do need to behave much more responsibly than going out and having a drunken snog; at least while you’re still with your baby’s father.

We all could do with a good snog sometimes!

There is no benefit in beating yourself up over this. Discretion is the key. x

Think of all of the women he's watched doing anal or moaning in pleasure because it's normal somehow for men to watch porn, lose your conscience over it and move on. Or risk being a single mother with a 1yo if you want.

A kiss isn't nothing. You cheated and need to tell him. Would give this answer to a man or woman. I would end it for this.

Talk about over the top!

When you say "kissed someone random in a bar" what do you mean?

Where on a scale from
Good night kiss that was on lips and lingered
to
Necking on with each other for half the night with hands everywhere?

1st I'd say that you shoudn't tell him, but consider your current relationship (which it sounds like you are anyway)

2nd I would class as cheating and say you need to own up

OP just fess up. Whatever happens thereafter you'll at least be able to sleep at night with a clean conscience. What you did was utterly tasteless but not a sacking offence. It can definitely be worked out. But transparency is honesty and remorse isn't real if the reasons for it are taken to the grave.

Looking at some of the comments on here, seems many would rather live with dishonesty than admit they did something untrustworthy. Probably that'll be of some comfort to you, I dunno. What you should bear in mind is these online strangers aren't carrying your guilt. It's you who'll have to act out of your skin not them, unless lying isn't an issue for you? Perhaps it'll get easier as time elapses, maybe not. But by choosing to deliberately leave him in the dark, you're removing his right to decide how to view things for himself. And yes, that IS a sacking offence.

Someone who'll do the decent thing, even when they don't have to, that's a person who has true integrity. Most people value that highly in a partner, I dare say you too. I'd be wary of following advice from those lacking it.
Best

Ummmm watching porn and cheating is not the same!!

Gold medal to the silliest comment on Mumsnet today.

Women watch porn as well btw…

It was a random kiss not a full blown affair...forget and move on.

This!

I genuinely wouldn't want to know if my dh had a drunken snog.

Just move on and keep it to yourself but think about what you really want.

I wouldn't want my DH to tell me about a single drunken kiss with a stranger. What good can come from it? If there are issues in the relationship, work on them or leave.

If it was a true one off, out of character kiss, pissed which he doesn't make a habit of at all, not a whole night fondling and talking nonsense about how his partner doesn't understand him, swapping numbers etc, and he won't see the other person again, I can honestly say I would prefer DP kept his gob shut as a one off and made sure he didn't repeat it.

Honestly? I would be furious and wouldn't want to have to condone it but I wouldn't want to have to jettison the whole relationship on that basis and it would be a shitty position to be in. Trust would be ruined because I wouldn't know exactly what was meant by a kiss however I would believe it had ended there . I would not be saying the same over sex, or an emotional affair.

You are making the assumption OP's partner watches porn.
Not all men watch porn, thank goodness.
A lot of people don't regard watching porn as normal.

However I must admit I don't see the relevance of porn when it comes to the question of OP being honest with her partner about the kiss.

It’s ok OP, you’re a woman, it isn’t cheating, if you were a man, it’s a dealbreaker. You’re belongings would be in black bags and the locks changed….

A drunken kiss in a bar at a low point doesn't warrant a great confession scene, whether you are a man or woman. Forget it, but remember how bad you felt about it and don't do it again. What good will come from telling your DP? But why were you out drinking at a bar with other men, were you cheering yourself up by proving you were attractive to men other than your DP?

Think about your relationship, if you think it's over end it.

He's probably doing the same thing, a 1 year old putting pressure on the relationship.

You went out, wanting attention chatting up other men, maybe peer pressure was involved, sometimes other women goad you into bad bahaviour.

Maybe he's as easily led by peer pressure, two people who maybe are easily manipulated by others can be the norm to be together.

Draw a line on nights out, don't let alcohol to lower your standards, respect yourself.

Try to re connect with your partner, you have a job to do bringing up that child.

For those comparing a kiss for a woman and a man, I think women can do this without the thought of sex being in the mix, men crossing the line with a kiss maybe would go further and be pushing for sex.

I don't agree with cheating but this couple are obviously young and hopefully op has learnt her lesson, on the otherhand if her partner is behaving poorly towards her at home for this to occur then that is another thing.

First off, you have a one year old. Your relationship has probably never been through so much stress. It seems, in my limited experience, pretty normal for things to get rough at this stage. I seriously considered leaving my DP around this stage too, convinced the relationship was doomed.

But we got through it, and are stronger than ever. Surviving having a baby (we're now on no. three), I think we can survive anything together.

Secondly, everyone has a different idea of how bad this kiss would be. There's no right answer. But what's for sure is that your DP is probably primed to take it badly. At this stage, you could have a world ending argument over the washing up. If you do decide to tell him, maybe don't blurt it out over breakfast? Maybe do it in the safe(er) space of couple's counciling in coordination with the counsellor. Maybe wait six months or a year. There's more nuance here than tell him/don't tell him (although obviously the longer you leave it, the more he may feel lied to).

FWIW, I wouldn't take it badly, if DP confessed today to a kiss, back in our first year of parenthood. I'd see it around the way I'd react if they drank 10 pints, came home, and were sick in the front garden. I'd think they were a bloody idiot. But then, we're the both of us bloody idiots sometimes, but we're also deeply in love, after all we've been though together, and we're got eachother's backs. At the end of the day, it would illicit sympathy, not resentment.

Good luck OP, get yourselves into couples councilling!

Regarding the double standard, it is obvious in this thread, but it doesn't really bother me. I doubt very much it's the same people giving the contrary responses, more just different people being more likely to weigh in on "their" side. This is just the normal kind of chauvinism that humans are prone to.

What does bother me more is the simplistic, black and white thinking. The lack of nuance, the low emotional intelligence, the absolutist thinking.

These are real people's lives, far more complex, contradictory and two sided than you'll ever be able to fully appreciate on a forum thread.

There's plenty of examples of excellent relationship advice on MN, but there's also tons of "he's lied, he's shown you who he is, it ONLY EVER gets worse, LTB now!", with no appreciation of, for example, why someone may not be 100% honest about absolutely everything all the time. Shame? Fear? Embarrassment?Simple forgetfulness? Nah, he's a liar! The trust has gone, there's no coming back!

I think it's something about internet forums. Maybe the anonymity reduces the characters in the dilemma to crude two dimensional charactatures?

I actually find it heartbreaking to see a vulnerable OP get some of these very strong, kind of thoughtless responses.

Think of it from the other side, would you want him to tell you.

I personally would want to be blissfully unaware but I think I may be in the minority 🤷🏼‍♀️

1 ticket to the double standard comments please.