What is reasonable?

[Weetabix2024]

I need help to think straight please.
I have been with my husband over 17yeara since childhood always had a very close relationship and a happy life. We now have a mentally disabled son and our life is now extremely testing and challenging beyond words which makes me feels extremely insecure as our life is crap and I worry he will leave us. Husband gets constantly attacked by our child it's pretty rough ATM. I have had to give up work.

My husband works at a very large college and now works with a women our age just them two in the department... Before she joined she said things like wives don't like me and she had someone keep saying he will leave his wife for her she is obviously a person who enjoys teasing and attention. I found my husband had text her an awful lot while she was away on training like every 30 mins all day and evening and the second left the house... I was completely devastated it was all innocent banter but I still felt it over stepped my boundaries. I said he needs to be friends but not that friendly.

Anyway he has now said they might have to do a weeks training course just them two together staying away in hotel etc .. I said please don't drink he said you can't tell me what to do. I feel so insecure as I can see he will enjoy going out for dinner etc and the weight of home life will ease leading to thoughts and confirm how shit our life is. He could do that training separately but he will argue he likes company and I need to trust him. It makes me feel quite sick the thought of it. I asked him to not drink and he said you can't tell me what to do. We have left it there as he is unsure if it will even happen. I want to be prepared for my response.

Do I say you can't put me through that worry or do I trust him and try not to worry.

You clearly don’t trust him though and I think I would be feeling that way too. All the texting and If there was no need for the trip. I wouldn’t be happy.

I wouldn’t tell him he can’t go or can’t drink. Someone who wants to cheat will find a way to cheat regardless, if you don’t trust him not to then that is the bigger issue OP. There will always be a night away, a lunch out of the office, a meeting, a work night out etc. You can’t prevent him from doing those things so you either have to decide to trust him or walk away, if you don’t have trust you have nothing

Do I say you can't put me through that worry or do I trust him and try not to worry

This is either 'control him' or 'control my feelings', and you have control over neither. You need to respect your feelings. You're not, and he's not, currently.

Also, if you don't trust him, what's the point asking him not to drink? If he's going to cheat, he's ok with not keeping promises.

I am sorry you are worrying about your husband cheating. It sounds like life is weighing heavy on you at the moment and perhaps you perceive a threat more than you would otherwise.
it is not just your job to make a “good life” for your family, your husband needs to be working to make life easier/better as well.

is there any way the two of your can get more support for your child? Is there any respite care available? Can you seek more support from your health visitor?

Do you get any time for you? You sound exhausted? Do the two of you get to spend any time together without your child?

I would be having a firm word about the texting and ask if he would be happy with you texting at that volume to a colleague. However I wouldn’t stop him going on the trip as it’s a work thing. As others have said, if someone wants to cheat you can’t stop them by trying to control them. Know your worth and maybe try and focus on how to make your day to day life better for you rather than worrying about whether he is happy/going to leave.

Before she joined she said things like wives don't like me and she had someone keep saying he will leave his wife for her

Who told you this?

Thank you for your replies I appreciate them as I do find it hard to think straight as I don't get much sleep.
Yes life has got very heavy and simple things have become impossible and that has lead to me feeling very insecure. Husband has also been saying he can see leaving us is the easiest way out and he's rather be at work then be at home (can totally see his view but not nice to hear it and completely out of character) so all doesn't help.

She worked in a side department before and told me husband those things when she joined then there.

It's not so much cheating I'm worried about as I do trust him with that more that he will see grass is greener and I'm dull/boring/housebound and leave me with a very disabled child.

Thanks for you comments I appreciate them

Its not helpful he’s saying that leaving you and both your child would be an easier option for him. No wonder you are feeling paranoid.
Is he doing his fair share with your child and the load generally?
Sometimes life deals us a tough hand and we should be stepping up to support our partners not threatening to leave and flirting with our colleagues.

Thank you, yes he is very good dad with support but as he works full time and I now don't I do take on a lot more i.e school, sickness even after school is a battle for me and very draining.

Yes it has made me feel very unloved and it's been hard to recover from, as he is normally very loving and we will get through this as a team attitude.

I'm just worried with him going away for a week I will be home alone stressed and unloved he will be out having drinks seeing what we miss out on. It makes me really sad.

I think you are right I need to focus on doing things for myself. I do know marriages go up and down it's just hard rough patches.

It does sound really hard OP. At the same time though the break might just be the refresh he needs to get his head straight. You could always do the same.

In any relationship with children (and especially with children who have additional needs) it’s important to still have time to connect as a couple as well as having time each on your own to just live a little bit as an adult rather than as “mum/dad”. This week may be the time he desperately needs and when he is back it can be your turn, or time to plan a date night.