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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Have you ever had a friend with benefits

7 replies

Milkpli · 07/08/2024 06:01

I hate that phrase, but I didn't know how else to put it!

A few years ago I met an external contractor for my organisation. He was nearly 20 years older than me but I was obsessed! I couldn't stop thinking about him and my daily mood completely depended on whether I saw him or not. The problem was, I was in a very long term relationship. Now I can see I was fed up of life - unhappy relationship, dull job and kind of bored.

Fast forward to now and I'm a single parent. I work in a more stimulating role in the same organisation. The guy will pop over and see me occasionally but rarely needs to be in my new building.

Basically, I still can't really make sense of my feelings for him nor his towards me. He's really good looking and we get on well but sometimes I find his views to be kind of old fashioned and I realise his world view is pretty different to mine. Am I just obsessing over what never was but would could have been? Would a more casual relationship work or are they doomed to fail?

Does he even like me in the first place? This is always something that's played on my mind. If he likes me, surely I'd just know? Or has he been respectful of my previous relationship and the time it has taken to move on from it? Is it possible that I'm seeking his confirmation because of my low self confidence? Yesterday he messaged me all these sad emojis that he'd popped by but I hadn't been at my desk. He then said something like 'dont worry, I don't feel hurt or ignored at all...:('

It all feels so jumbled in my mind. Is there anyone that can give me a wake up call and simplify all this nonsense?

OP posts:
Bittenonce · 07/08/2024 07:37

Do you actually want a FWB? Or a relationship??

If you actually think you can sleep with him - then not be bothered if he's sleeping with others, and you do the same and it doesn't bother him, FWB is fine.

I suspect not.....

Bastide · 07/08/2024 07:47

Why does your title say ‘FWB’ when your post has nothing whatsoever to do with that, but is about a colleague who has never given any indication of sexual interest in you over a period of years?

candycrush02 · 07/08/2024 07:53

@Milkpli Just ask him out?

He might just think he has zero chance with you being much younger than he is and has kept his feelings for you hidden.

But unless you ask you'll go to your grave not knowing.

A FWB relationship will never work because you are/were infatuated with him, these relationships (in order to work) just have to be about the sex.

Milkpli · 07/08/2024 08:10

I have only ever had 2 long term relationships. Never anything less. I can't imagine a FWB situation purely based on my own experience. I'm worried I'm too fragile but I wanted to hear if this can ever work without feelings getting hurt. My gut feeling is I should carry on trying to move on but as a PP as said, I worry that I will always harbour these great what if feelings about someone who was barely even worth it.

OP posts:
Milkpli · 07/08/2024 08:12

Also, the feeling of being knocked back completely really scares me. We still bump into eachother occasionally and the idea of this crush at work being outed makes me feel really foolish and vulnerable.

OP posts:
icelolly12 · 07/08/2024 10:49

Don't go there, when it ends it will be incredibly awkward

Riqwihr · 07/08/2024 10:52

Milkpli · 07/08/2024 08:12

Also, the feeling of being knocked back completely really scares me. We still bump into eachother occasionally and the idea of this crush at work being outed makes me feel really foolish and vulnerable.

So don't act on it. Not all work crushes need to be acted on. Live with the attraction and it will eventually fade. More important is that you decide whether you want a FWB for no-strings-attached sex, or a relationship. Once you've decided, get on with looking.

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