I'm struggling with my marriage of convenience

[Gnrdave]

I Don't really know why I'm posting this, maybe it's just to get this out of my head? I suppose I'll just get on with it....

My wife and I have both been married before and she has been single for a lot of her life ( apart from some boyfriends)raising a daughter. I had been married for 23 years and single for 2 years (apart from a 6month relationship with someone nice)

I have been with my wife for four years and we got married in April but our marriage has turned into a marriage of convenience, she has openly admitted to getting things from our relationship like security for her and her daughter, a home that we own, animals, no worries about finances and the future to name but a few things she talks about. We are so different because I don't need those things from anyone, I'm happy enough to get those things for myself, All I need is some human contact and I'm not talking about sex, (although that has been missing for over a year and when it did happen there was no connection just "sort me out then I'll turn over so you can sort yourself out" type of thing) but physical contact like hugging or hand holding or even just brushing past each other in the kitchen! Actually, I'd also like to have someone be interested in me and what makes me tick, someone interested in trying my interests instead of sitting on the sofa watching her American cop/fbi/hospital shows in the evening until bedtime.

We have talked about these things lots before as I've never felt like a priority to her, I've always been the least important person in any room for her, we don't go out together anymore because when we did go out for meals or away for weekends she would just sit quietly waiting for her food to arrive at the table while I'm trying to get a conversation going or she would talk to other patrons while ignoring me so after a while I stopped taking her out.

she's always done inappropriate things like made jokes about bringing her ex into our relationship as "he only needs sex and cuddles to be happy"!, she's swooned over a friend of mine and worse. I think I put up with it because I wasn't expecting us to go this far but we were offered an amazing house and we got carried away with that...before we knew it, we were homeowners again and thought we might as well get married.

We did have a quick chat about this before we got married and she made it clear that nothing would change, I thought I could handle it but some days I don't want this for my life and other days I do my own thing and am quite happy. I go to gigs on my own and with friends, I go out to dinner with friends too, I go to the cinema....never do any of this with her as she doesn't want to. I also enjoy my animals and fixing up the house so there's lots for me to be getting on with....
But I still miss a romantic attachment with someone. I miss physical human contact, it's got so bad that when I hug one of my friends goodbye I don't want to let go and I'm worried that its getting too much for my friend although they haven't said anything.

As I said, I knew I was getting into this type of marriage where its all about what I provide rather than romantic connection and emotional intimacy but it is difficult to deal with sometimes and venting might help me sleep at night....

I don’t understand why on earth you married her, but I’d make an appointment with a solicitor in the morning and arrange a divorce, you shouldn’t loose any assets given the extreme brevity of the marriage.

You share responsibility for the upheaval this will cause your (briefly) stepdaughter, but that’s not a reason not to end this. It will only get more toxic and damage everyone, and it’s a poor example of marriage for a child to witness.

Then I’d book a therapist and figure out why on earth you did this so you don’t repeat the mistake.

Even OLD would be more satisfying than this. Get a divorce as quickly as you can. No one deserves this. She absolutely is using you.

That sounds very lonely. How awful to feel like you're just there for someone else's security and what you provide.

You made a mistake marrying her, it's not the end of the world, but you need to divorce her as soon as possible. This is no way to Iive.

She does sound like she’s using you. Time to end things and be happy

Start divorce proceedings this relationship is dead in the water. What are your finances like? Did you both contribute to your house purchase? What about living costs are you financing these equally? Given it's a very short marriage and you don't share children I wouldn't think it would be too complicated to split. The longer you leave it though the more difficult it will be to disentangle yourself and the worse off you will be in terms of a settlement.

To-do list:

1. Leave
2. Work out why on earth you married this woman in the first place.

Please leave. Life is too short

Your post made me sad. I'm sorry things are so hard. It sounds like she doesn't like being with you much and separation seems inevitable. But I think you need to talk to her, see where her head is at ideally through counselling.

I think you should get therapy to get to the bottom of why you married someone you know doesn't love you? You need to or else you will keep making mistakes.

She only sees you as a meal ticket. You need to leave and find happiness. Also agree you need to understand why you entered into this marriage so you can set a higher bar next time.

Did you have a bad/codependent/scapegoated relationship with your parents (particularly mother) because you are recreating this with someone who is clearly using you.
Read up on Repetition Compulsion.

Who offered you an amazing house? Asking for a friend ;-)

Seriously though, you need to split. This is no way to live and will only get worse. Get out now before your self esteem is damaged further.

I mean she told you what she wanted from the relationship and you still married her so part of me thinks that's on you buddy. However, she doesn't even sound like a nice person. She just sounds a bit grubby to be honest. Get rid and go and find happiness from someone who will reciprocate it.

The good thing is you haven't been together that long and only married a few months so you likely won't loose out too much in the divorce (you might even be able to look into an annulment given her comments).

Tell her to find someone else to look after her.

She’s a user. See a solicitor, be free of her, and find happiness elsewhere.

Is your friend that you hug 'too much' a woman?

You have an agreed marriage of convenience. Sounds like she's still seeing her ex (or wants to be) and you fancy your friend. If you have an agreed marriage of convenience then what's the problem? It was never meant to be a physical relationship

Divorce NOW. She won't get anything much in the split due to the brevity.

If you leave it linger she'll get half and you'll have just funded her retirements at the expense of your own

Thanks everyone for your thoughts....