grandparent questions - your insight and experience much appreciated

[workingdad]

Good morning,

I have name changed as my DW is also a regular here and she knows my usual name.

I have two questions relating to granparents which I would really appreciate your experience of.

We have an 8 month old DS. I am a very very hands on dad, when I am at home. I sometimes however find myself feeling jealous of my MIL and, to a lesser degree, FIL. I am often out of the house too early to really see DS properly and often I simply cannot get back from work before he is already in bed, although I do really try to get back in time as much as I possibly can. At the weekends I am with DS non-stop.

DW sees her mum pretty well every day and her dad most days too. This leaves me feeling slightly "jealous" (for wont of a better word) that my in-laws see DS so much. I know this probably just relates to the insecurity of being a newish dad but I can't help but fear that he will get to know them more than me. Is this a common feeling among other dads? Is it founded in any reality or is it totally irrational?

Also, is it irrational to fear that DS will "prefer" his maternal GPs to his paternal GPs because he only gets to see my parents once every ten days or so (not through them not wanting to see him, it's just for distance and logistical reasons).

I know we are very lucky to have 4 loving GPs so please forgive me if this sounds ungrateful.

I just need to know if anyone else has encountered this and whether I am being totally irrational!!

Thanks for reading.

Hi there.

Firstly, I think your feelings are totally normal and natural. I always think it must be terribly hard on dads, who get only a short time off to hang out with their baby before having to plunge back into full time work. It seems brutal, really 9and another reason why i think the maternity/paternity leave laws in the UK need a complete overhaul...but anyway...).

I think what you need to keep telling yourself is that you are your baby's father - his one and only dad - and there isn't a person that can take that role away from you. The father-child relationship is a precious one - incredibly important for all children, but I think especially so for boys. You won't see that right now, while your baby is so young, but later you will come to appreciate that. I am a SAHM to a 3 yr old boy who is very attached to me because we spend virtually all of every day together. His dad works long hours, like you, but is dedicated to our son over the weekend and whenever he can get home, and our son absolutely worships his dad. It is really quite lovely to see the bond they share. You are a loving dad and as you say, you give as much time as you can to your boy - that's the very best any father can do for their child.

Your son is very lucky to have four grandparents who are alive and involved in his life. His relationship with them won't take away from what you have with your son, it just means that while you aren't there, there is a chorus of loving adults to help out and care for your little boy. That's really a fabulous start in life. I wouldn't worry about your son growing up to be closer to one set of grandparents or the other - he will form his own relationships with each of them and there will be different things he loves about each GP. My son sees my dad 2 or 3 times a year (he lives in Ireland) and they are fabulously close.

Anyway, sorry for waffling on - but I think that althoug your feelings are perfectly natural, you have nothing to worry about.

I think that it's understandable that you're a bit jealous of the time that other people have with your DS. I don't think that it's necessarily true though that he will have a better relationship with your DW and PIL. Thinking back to my family growing up - when I was tiny I was more comfortable with the people that I saw most often, but I wasn't very old when I preferred a distant uncle (that I saw twice a year) to my grandparents, and I probably get on better with my Dad than my Mum, even though my Mum stayed at home with me when I was born, and my Dad had to work.
I think that long-term it's down to personality, and how you are with him when you do see him (which sounds like quite a lot). (By the way, every 10 days is quite often to see your parents, certainly enough for your DS to develop a good relationship)

MrsMattie and MrsTittlemouse - any more Mrs and it will start to look like a Beatrice Potter book!!

Thank you for two lovely posts. MrsMattie, you really struck a nerve, i had a lump in my throat reading what you said. Sometimes we need to see something in writing to be reminded of a basic fact, especially when it is hard to see the wood from the trees with "life" happening so fast around us. But the thing you said about being his only dad is such a pertinent point and one which I think I had lost sight of, thank you for reminding me of it.

And thank you both of you for not flaming me down as an ungrateful dad!!

WD...would echo what the others say. My 4th child (3rd boy) was born 2 weeks before my husband entered into possibly the busiest ever stretch of his demanding career - working incredibly long hours etc and often part of the weekend too. I'm a sahm so was always with the children. ds3 is now 4 and daddy is simply a superhero writ large. They have a mutual adoration club which is always open.

It is very common (but not inevitable or necessary) that children know their maternal grandparents better than their paternal grandparents, just by virtue of the fact that the majority of children spend more time with their mothers than their fathers.

However much time your children spend with their grandparents, they will however not love them more than they love you . A great relationship with grandparents is a wonderful thing, but it does not displace fathers.

Don't worry - the more your child grows, the deeper your relationship will become.

Thanks a lot MrsPanic (this really is turning into a Beatrix Potter book!) and Anna8888, your insight is much appreciated.

I loved the phrase "mutual adoration club which is always open"

As a new mum, I couldn't have coped without my own parents - from a confidence building point of view. And like most dads, dh had to work to pay the bills! My kids adore their father, and he spends the time with them now they're teenagers - I don't think they were actually too fussed about who changed their nappies etc. at the time!

The fact that you're thinking about this shows what a great dad you are!

Now I think back, there was a certain amount of rivalry going on between my mother and my partner as to which one of the two of them was Person No 2 in my daughter's life in her first year.

She is now 3.5 and Papa is quite, quite clearly her Very Favourite Person (after me). They went to a party together last weekend and danced the night away - and he hates dancing (or always did until he had a daughter).

@ Anna8888!

I don't think there is that kind of rivalry coming from my MIL - at least none that she would ever admit to

If it helps, workingdad, as a child I used to see quite a lot of my mum's parents, and not so much of my dad's, because they lived much further away. I used to especially look forward to seeing my paternal grandparents because it was a treat, there was loads to talk about/catch up on, and I didn't just see them when I was ill, off school and my mum had to go to work. As I got older, I found my paternal grandmother in particular really useful as someone who was close, but enough out of the picture to be able to give me advice about problems I had that I wouldn't want to talk to my parents about. So my relationship with both sets of GPs was great, but differently great and it was really nice to have that variety.

When I had my first child I was still living at home with my parents, my son only saw his father a few hours a week in the first six months of his life. What?s so strange is that even though he spent a lot of time with his grandparents it was obvious to everyone that my son and his Father had something special going on. The way he looked at his Father with such adoration just said it all.

For some reason they just know who their Father is, so I really wouldn't worry. My partner felt exactly the same insecure feelings as you seem to be experiencing. Try not to worry and just enjoy this time as the time goes by all too quickly.