Can't move on

[SadPanda]

In October last year my husband stepped out onto the slippery slope towards an emotional affair. I shook some sense into him before it could progress to full on emotional affair, but he had started lying to me and that has devasted the relationship we had.

He is trying so hard to make everything right. He doesn't know what he was thinking and is deeply ashamed of the damage he has done to me and our marriage. We are trying to move on.

But, he says things or does things which previously would have triggered and eyeroll, but now it's full on emotional meltdown from me and I'm right back in the hurt of when it came to a head in December.

He hadn't had an affair. He hadn't even had an emotional affair. But he crossed boundaries and that broke something inside me that I just can't put back together again.

I feel this in my bones and then some. It's just devastating when someone you think you can trust implicitly smashes that sense of security. You're not alone, I feel the same, and find it extremely difficult to navigate 😞

I've felt this pain,such a dreadful episode that I've never fully gotten over,leaves you feeling suspicious and on high alert.My trust meter dropped and has never been full since.

Feel the same. The truth is coming out a drop at a time which makes it worse, although he denies emotional or physical interest, he crossed so many boundaries over and over again, I cannot get over it either. It’s devastated my sense of who I thought he was. I have no advice really, watching with hope.

Would you go to counselling together ? He thought about doing something but didn’t actually do anything at all, how did you even know ? This sounds like it has deeply hurt you though. Especially if you notice you have lost your sense of humour.

I would get counselling and try to talk it all out and then decide what to do. All the very best.

Its awful when someone you trusted totally behaves in a way that makes you doubt them and in turn yourself and what you have. It breaks the beauty and simplicity of things and means you never let yourself be open in quite the same way again. Even if its not physical or emotional but just an attraction that they deny but you KNOW, you can see and feel between them and someone else and they don’t stop it in its tracks. Makes you feel second best, and i’m not sure you ever get over that tbh.

It ruins things

Yep, another one here. I've been there so I feel you all. It's so sad how many of us there are, and it's so sad that men just don't seam to see or think about the effect it has. You feel stupid, as they've not had an affair as such, and in my case the messages etc weren't full on sexual, but it was the secrecy and lies that just hurt so bad.
It took me so long to get my partner to understand why I was so upset. The reason I stayed and have been trying to get over it was down to his reaction. He never went mad at me for making it a big deal, he never went mad at me when I snooped on his phone etc and he's been nothing but attentive to me and has done everything he can to reassure me etc. But the hurt and lack of trust is still there, I'll never feel the same. Sad but true ☹️

I'm tempted to show my oh this thread at some point even though it happened a year ago. The responses on here are so raw and demonstrate the effects.

You should leave. You don't deserve a life worrying about a man who doesn't respect you. Think of yourself in the same boat in five years time.. Or five years time at peace.

What happened? Like they either cross a boundary or they don't! As women so many let men away with too much

With my husband he was going through a difficult time. He started chatting online with someone he knew through works years. She'd had similar problems in the past. I had no issue at that point.

Then it became 'Sarah' this and Sarah that all the time for a few weeks. Then it stopped and when I asked what he was doing he'd say he was messaging a colleague. I knew he was lying. Then he started getting irritated at our son as he was distracting him from his chat. I blew up and then it came to a head.

He seemed at the time to think they were just friends. There was nothing sexual at all. But he crossed lines. He was sharing really personal stuff that he hadn't shared with me and she was taking up 'wife space' in his head.

He was an idiot. He thought because there was nothing sexual it was all fine. He realises now that if you're investing emotionally in someone feelings will start to grow. He didn't want that but can now admit that it was starting.

I'm so sorry for all of you experiencing similar. It's so hard isn't it. We had a lovely, happy life together. We still seem to have the same. But it's sullied now.