More angry abuse

[Nools24]

I just went with Dh to get our 16 year old dog euthanized. All the way there he was snappy and angry. I knew this was because he was upset but I was also upset without the need to be angry.
While I was driving home I realized I had promised myself never to drive with him as a passenger because of the way he behaves. Just after that thought I was coming out of a side road to turn right, saw nothing coming and pulled out,whereas he suddenly started throwing arms up in the air and freaking out. I didn’t know what was happening and tried to pull in and because of him didn’t know where to pull in so ended up on the wrong side of the road to pull in. He was screaming at me by then.
I started to drive again but decided I would pull in and let him drive. When I pulled in he got out and stomped off up the road walking home. I sat there for a while the just drove past him. When he got home he shouted at me, pointed his finger and called me an asshole twice.

im frozen to the spot here and very upset. I’m married 42 years and he’s always been like this.

Not sure what you’re looking for OP. Your ‘D’ H has been like this for 42 years. And you’ve known this for most of that time, I’m guessing. He’s not going to change - so the choice rests with you.

Point your finger at him and tell him if he behaves like an asshole with you ever again, it’s over…
Stand up to him!

Do you want to spend the rest of your life living with someone like him?. There are other options open to you. You do not have to live in abuse and or fear.

Not sure myself what I want. I hate injustice. I’ve been distracted a lot over the years with a mentally handicapped child and his schizophrenic sister. I usually try to ignore him but realized too late my rule for myself for the car. I should have left years ago but it was never bad enough to disrupt my children and I foolishly thought I needed him with the handicapped son. Now I feel too tired to go through a divorce and become less well off financially. Yes I didn’t do what I should have and still can’t do it. He will never see how his behavior almost caused us to crash

I don't really understand what happened. Did you end up on the wrong side of the road? If he has that effect on you, it's not just driving you shouldn't do with him. It's everything. If you are waiting for him to agree that he is a dickhead you'll have a long wait.
If you are waiting for permission to leave, here. I give you permission to leave.

You’re not going to get any less tired OP. the best time to leave is Now - you’ll never know more than you do at this moment.

Nobody is going to say his behaviour is okay - but having people see/say this, what good does that do you? No good really, because you’re still there having to deal
with it. You know this already.

You can choose to stay put (like you have for over 40 years). Or you can make a start and set yourself a target of leaving within the next fortnight. You would be poorer, yes. You would also have some peace.

I think he saw a van coming I did too but knew I had enough time but when he started freaking out I thought there was another car that I didn’t see. I was pulling over making the turn but then got afraid of why he was carrying on like a girl and decided at the last minute to pull in facing oncoming traffic.

I need a step by step guide to ending this. We live more or less separately to some extent.

I’ve a huge problem with that. I never learnt to stand up to bullies. My father was a gentle quiet man as was my brother. I don’t know how I ended up with him. He’s so good in lots of ways but has a persecution complex

Lots of threads here relating to leaving a marriage/relationship, so if you’re looking for a step by step guide just do a search. They’re a good resource.

Good luck OP x

OP, you can start by finding someone to talk to in real life. There are still solicitors who will give you a free first consultation.
Or you can go, on your own, to a counsellor. Or talk to a trusted friend. I think it works help to cover tighter inner thoughts and feelings. It will help you to see what you actually want and need.

This quote helped me ‘A healthy relationship should be a loving, respectful place with values like support, freedom, happiness and consent at the centre.’
A counsellor would be a good first step op. Life is short - go for it.

Don't do this. 42 years of crap isn't going to stop because you point your finger. 'Standing up to bullies' isn't something you ever need to do. Walking away from bullies is the trick.

Do you think he's ill, or just... really unpleasant?

Unpleasant. I always thought it was normal and mostly my own fault. Coming on here has opened my eyes. I can hardly believe the things men do to women. Younger women than me would never tolerate this crap. If I called him a name he’d be upset for days until I said sorry. Last time I called him an old woman a few years ago and that was his reaction. If anybody calls him any name he over reacts. I also notice he’s always wound up and ready to jump down anyone’s throat to defend himself. I’m so upset over my dog and I have to put up with this. He’s not speaking to me now.

The counseling will be my first step. I need to do it step by step, maybe adding another step each week as a goal for that week

I’d have broken the pointed finger. Bastard

Good luck with the counselling OP, and of course you can keep us all updated and we'll give you our unvarnished advice!