Father in law trouble

[Biscuit07]

Please someone give me some advice on what to do with this situation!!

To keep it simple, I cannot keep pretending to like my father in law. He's making my life miserable and is utterly intolerable.
Just to set the scene, this man has been cut off completely by his siblings and extended family. Has no friendships, does not get along with his neighbours and/or past work colleagues. His entire world is his wife and his only son (yep my husband is an only child, so that makes things much worse)

He's been rude plenty of times, he's rude at restaurants to waiting staff, he is banned from purchasing on ebay due to chronic unsubstantiated complaints (I wish I was kidding)

I've always tolerated it because my husband is really intimidated by him, if he misses a call from his dad he is highly visably nervous until he returns the call and makes sure the air is clear....

Anyway, I'm currently pregnant and through the first trimester was extremely unwell.
I couldnt go into work for a full month and lost weight due to sickness, headaches, weakness.. You name it.

My husband comes home from his parents one afternoon and says that his dad is irritated that I have made no effort to come over.
I explained that I felt let down by him that he didn't tell his dad how poorly I currently was.

It should be noted that he is retired and always welcome at our home.
His problem was that I hadn't gone to him.

A few weeks later, he comes over for tea and decides it's appropriate to point fingers at me, tell me I'd upset my husbands mother and him by not seeing him, tell me he didn't feel right about coming to visit seen as I hadn't made an effort.
Told me I'm leaving them out of their grandchilds life (the child I am currently pregnant with....)
Made me feel like crying in my own living room. All because I was too ill to visit him and his home as for some reason he does not like having to travel out to us!?

My husband said nothing.
He has since told his dad to back off after a HUGE row.

But the other day, his dad called and I could hear them laughing and joking like nothing had happened.
I by no means expect him to be mad at his dad forever, but it's only been 1 week since his dad decided to bully and shout at me in my living room whilst pregnant.

I don't think I can tolerate him in my life. And I'm worried it will eventually tear me and my husband apart, seen as I get irritated just hearing him on the phone!

Congratulations on your baby news.

Yikes. The FIL clearly has a personality disorder or something serious of that ilk. Have a read of family enmeshment and enabling.

You don't have FIL trouble. You have husband trouble.

The fact your DH is scared of him doesn’t bode well OP. He’s not likely to stick up for you, is he? It’s just going to be worse when the child is actually here.

He has since told his dad to back off after a HUGE row
I think the huge row shows your DH is standing his ground, now at least. In my opinion, the ability to move on after the air has been cleared is positive (something I continue to struggle with but strive to achieve!)
I would continue to be clear with your opinions. Next time FIL is rude simply say "Can you please not speak to me like that. I would hate you and (DH) to have another huge row. I know how important our family is to you, please don't risk our relationship" Smile, look him in the eye and walk away. Repeat as necessary.
Tell your DH how happy you are that he stood up to this controlling git, and give him the confidence to do it again if needed.
Alternatively don't see him, but get ready for your DH to feel so conflicted that your marriage may suffer.

Difficult cunt. Be interested to know what his upbringing was like

Tbf, she has both

Fil sounds like a bully who's got away with it his entire life and because its all DH has known, its entrenched in his mind as normal.

But you are about to have a baby. You need to change this dynamic with Fil or youre on for years of misery with this controlling idiot.
Agree with pp who said tell Dh how happy you are he defended you, he needs to grow his confidence in pushing back on this bully.

Was the huge row between you and DH, or between your DH and his father??

Would your DH be open to having some counselling? He's probably had a lifetime of being intimidated by his father, and whilst he needs to stand up for you he might need some support and tools to do so.

Id be telling the old bastard to fuck off out of mine and my childs lives and your dh that if he wants to continue a relationship with him then he does it alone! Op please don't expose your child to this toxic man.

Did your husband have a row with his Dad and told him to back off? Or did you and your husband have a row, and then your husband told his Dad to back off? The fact your FIL felt entitled to have a go at you, in your own home, and your husband didn't say a word to his Dad, is bloody awful. Your husband needs to back you up, telling his Dad after the event is not good enough (yes it's a start but not enough). It sounds like your FIL is a nasty piece of work, who has spent most of his life bullying, controlling and being nasty to everyone, who's unfortunate enough to cross paths with him, including his own family. Your husband needs to find the strength to stand up to his Dad, otherwise once your child is born, your FIL's behaviour will just get worse. You don't need this kind of stress during your pregnancy.

Why is such a man welcome in your home?. Surely you would not tolerate this from a friend?. His dad is no different.

What is his mother doing when her husband kicks off like he does?. She cannot be relied upon either.

Your man has grown up seeing all this dysfunction and it has affected him
markedly. Would he consider seeing a therapist re his parents?. He certainly has fear obligation and guilt in spades and his boundaries are muddled. He is trying to appease his abusive father but he continues to show your h the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one. His inertia too when it comes to dad hurts him as well as you. Hand him a copy of Toxic Parents by Susan Forward and encourage him
to seek out a therapist.

You both need to stay away from his parents. It’s hard being one of the last people to bother with him but men like his dad are really not worth bothering about. If they are too toxic / difficult for you to deal with it’s the same deal for your child too, keep your child well away from them.

This sounds like an awful situation 😕 I can't believe how unfeeling your FIL has been towards you and how unsupportive your MIL seems if she didn't stick up for you. It's all about him isn't it? He sounds seriously unpleasant and I would be worried about subjecting your grandchild to his toxicity.
Family dynamics are so tricky at times and it's hard to know exactly what to do. I agree with other contributors that it sounds like your FIL has been getting away with this nasty behaviour his whole life. Would your husband go for counselling? It sounds as if he has been negatively impacted by his upbringing and is intimidated by his father which means he will not provide you with much needed support. You have done nothing wrong, but it has been made into a huge issue by your FIL.
I wish you well with this and hope that you can set some ground rules that make you feel supported and not belittled and blamed.