How do I handle this situation with my mother?

[Cuzcospoison]

I’ll try not to waffle on for too long, but also don’t want to drip feed.

My parents separated when I was a baby and my mother met her second husband when I was 6, and quickly fell pregnant. He is an alcoholic and was very abusive - never physically to my knowledge, but emotionally to us all and financially to her. They separated when I was in my early 20s, about 10 years ago, but it was too little, too late in terms of the damage that was done to me. I have a relationship with my mum, and love her very much, but I am still struggling to forgive her for some of the things she allowed to happen to me and some of the ways in which she was actually a perpetrator.

The issue now is that she still has not divorced this man. He ruined her financially and she has only just, with a large financial gift from a family member, managed to buy her own home again. Even this was impacted by him, as they are financially linked and he had defaulted on loans in joint names etc so she had to take a mortgage at a very high rate. This is up for renewal very soon, but as she still has not divorced him, I’d imagine she will be in a similar boat.

I’m terrified that something will happen to her, and I will be left to deal with him. I don’t care about the money at all, but I do resent the idea of him inheriting everything she had to claw back after their separation, including the financial gift from a family member who despised him. She doesn’t have a will to my knowledge.

To complicate matters, I have a sister who is his daughter and is still in contact with him. I love her very much, but I hate and fear her dad.

Well done for getting this far, if you have. I suppose my question is, what would you do about this? I have tried to raise the topic of a divorce or a will with my mother, but she either agrees with everything and then does nothing, or changes the subject. To make matters worse, I’m not sure she’s ever been honest with me about the degree of contact they still have. I don’t want to ruin my relationship with my mum or my sister over this, but it’s constantly on my mind. What a mess.

Depending on your relationship I would do one of two things:

1. Take over a laptop and sit down and do the divorce with her
2. Tell her you are getting your will written and invite her round to meet the will writer.

By reducing the steps and thought she needs to make you might make it easier.

If you are in the UK and they are not divorced sadly he may already be able to make a claim on her finances as they have not severed financial ties. I would recommend speaking to a solicitor about this.

Thank you, I know you’re right - the difficulty is that she lives 250 miles away (a recent move) and so I rarely get any opportunity to do anything like this, especially as I have three young children.

i might try to research a good solicitor for her, but she just won’t pursue this I don’t think. I honestly think she is waiting for him to die, but that’s unlikely to happen soon. I wonder if all I can do is to find a way to detach myself from it all and enlist my husband to deal with my vile ex-stepfather if the worst does happen.

I think she can get a financial separation from him without the divorce.
I would speak to a solicitor.

Definitely detach from the situation. If she is reluctant to make a will or divorce then he is entitled to his share of her assets, she will know that. I hope the family member ring fenced the gift money as I doubt they will be happy that he may benefit from it.
My dad's attitude is when he is dead he won't care! you have to walk away and leave them to it. Honest people have open discussions with their family about their wishes for when they are gone.

Thank you, I think you’re probably right. A lot of my worry is emotional - just the thought of having to deal with him in any way makes me feel like a scared little girl again. And then I feel resentful that after failing to protect me for all those years, she can’t even do this one thing to protect me as an adult now that she is supposedly out from under his spell.

At the end of the day, I can’t do it for her.

I am finally NC with my toxic dysfunctional family. I grew up walking on eggshells round them, it made me anxious, they were mentally and emotionally draining. Money and toxic families are often about control and secrets, she has you dangling it's not worth the headspace or energy. It sounds like a codependent relationship.
You are not financially responsible for her, there is no will so you would not be responsible on her death to deal with anything, she will have died intestate. If you Google intestate the law is specific.