Are these questions appropriate at ask my adult son?

[lovenotwar149]

My adult son of 30 is unemployed and has been for some time. Previously he has maintained jobs here and there, casual work. No career as such. A sensitive subject in the past which by my own admission was not handled well by myself and husband. Arguments occurred, judgemnts and criticisms etc. Fast forward to now, over 4 yrs on from this mishandling of the situation from us , his parents, and our relationship with him is lovely in many many ways. He is respectful and notices the change in how we treat him and the situation too. Do I still think its appropriate for him to work ...yes. Do we financially support him? No. We did when we argued with him, which was enabling I now realise. He lives off his earnings from his casual work , he lives a VERY unlavish lifestyle, very. His choice. He doesn't really visit us , once a yr. We visit him and the energy between us is good. He responds if we call and we have a lovely chat, but he doesn't initiate calls/msgs but gd at responding.
Is it appropriate to ask him about his job situation anymore? Is this something we have to just accept now b/c of the age he is? Is it appropriate to ask him about his relationship status too? He doesn't volunteer this kind of info.He seems reasonably happy btw.
What do ppl think?

It's fine to ask about his employment, however you also should respect if he doesn't want to talk about it or if he's happy with his current situation even if it may not seem ideal or have any progression options. Start off with a "How's work going"? Type thing and see where the conversation goes.

His relationship status i wouldn't bring up, that's absolutely nothing to do with you.

Sounds as though he wants to keep his distance apart from basic pleasantries and everyday chit chat which is absolutely fine, he's an adult

How's work going is fine. When are you going to get a real job is not.

Same as maybe occasionally asking if there is someone special in his life.

Repeat to yourself, if he's happy, I'm happy. Some people aren't built for 9-5. If he's enjoying his life and is content, that should make you happy.

When are you going to get a real job is not.

Thanks for the reminder! I wouldn't ask that as NOW I have a different perspective thankfully. When we argued , some yrs ago now, about his job situation etc I had a very narrow minded view about what kind of a 'job' he should do, fortunately I have learnt different jobs suit different ppl and that is AOK . He knows and feels this new perspective and it has helped our relationship tremendously. He is kind and loving and respectful. I guess it just feels one sided in many ways, as if I don't initiate a visit/call/msg ,we dont hear from him. Maybe after all the criticism he USED TO get , even though he doesn't now and he knows we are not judging now, enough time may not have passed for him to really TRUST that we won't re start judging him.
Anyway thx ppl for replying

Just how harshly did you criticise him?

If I was you I'd be preparing for that trust to never be rebuilt which depending on just how badly you treated him, may be deserved.

Yes it may be deserved , I take accountability for my mistakes. I do know I have apologised and backed it up with my actions too. Not to make excuses , I have very controlling parents and they felt ashamed for his employment status and let me know so , I then put that on him due to my own shame in disappointing my parents about their grandson, I know I know, what a mistake ...I know now. I sooo know.Thnak the lord I genuinely THINK differently . I am not in contact , very low contact, with my parents now too. Past is past , I can't change that. But NOT talking about his employment status seems not appropriate too

If I were you I wouldn't ask him about work again, what ever you say will probably come across as a dig due to your behaviour in the past. Why not try to find out about his interests and hobbies and talk about them. Find some common ground.

ok thx, Yes we do that. We play a lot of chess when we meet. he's excellent at chess and I am learning. Oh let me tell u ,I have spent the last few yrs since realising the error of my ways, re building trust and giving him the respect he deserves. Its quite likely that b/c things are soo much better between us, and a lot of trust had been restored , that I am starting to feel confident is wanting to talk about these issues again, that I handled poorly b4. Not being in contact with my parents has helped MY confidence sooo soo much that my son, the other 2 also, are benefiting. A more confident mother ,even tho they are all adults now, is a MUCH better mother to be around

I agree with not asking about work, it's still too contentious. Let him bring it up if he wants to talk about it. Living a very frugal life could be seen as really positive in an environmentally friendly way. Is that important to him or just a coincidental thing? I'd also avoid questions about relationships personally - again leave him to bring it up if he wants. Just chat about what's happening for you and stick to only asking him questions about things you know he is happy to talk about.

whatever he says in reply to why he isn't wanting to work atm , or for the last couple of yrs, is going to be ok

Beth216

can't see that going down badly. Good advice , thx

Just don't mention work. You have learned that it just isn't important to him so why would you need to mention it.

It doesn't sound like you have the type of relationship with your ds that it would be appropriate for you to ask about work as you argued about it before, or relationships because he'll tell you if he wants you to know.

Sounds as though he wants to keep his distance apart from basic pleasantries and everyday chit chat

This. I wouldn’t ask about either. He’s purposefully not keeping you updated, and he would, if he wanted you to have the information.

Yh I guess I need to WAIT and be patient and accepting. I so want him to trust me and know I WONT judge /criticise now about his choices and I truly believe I WONT now as my perspectives have changed. But I need to go at his pace now and also accept that he may not want to tell me such things.

I dont want his job/lack of it to be the elephant in the room. I NOW genuinely want to Hear him and HELP if necessary if he will allow me too

I think you need to accept that this will always be a sensitive subject between you.
But well done for realising your mistakes AND acting on it!

The question you need to ask yourself is Why. Why do you feel the need to ask about his job? Is it important? Is the type of job important? Is it about knowing he is ‘safe’ iyswim.
Then ask yourself if you NEED TO know about it. Or is it about your own ego/wanting to be right etc….

Then, and only then, decide if it’s a subject worth bringing.
And if you do, many good answers there about ‘how is your job Going’ rather than an accusation etc….

MtClair

That is a really gd question, thank u for posing it.I will journal to get to the bottom of this. Why do I need to talk about it?? That you again

OP, he has a job. There's no need to ask him about job plans, because he has a job. It might not be what you expected or anticipated but he's just fine with it.

If you really must ask about work, do it in the most general way - "how's work? or maybe "Are you still in the team with that annoying bloke or has he moved on?" - just the kind of how's it going you'd ask of a casual friend.

You're poisoned the well for career chats by making your disapproval plain. What he needs from you at this point forward, I'd imagine, is acceptance on his own terms and no need to poke that particular wound.

He's your son, there must be a thousand other things you can chat with him about.

I have a huge amount of respect (and envy) for people like your son. I've only known a handful.
DH and I (late 30s) are both in professional careers that we trained hard for. We have tens of thousands of pounds of student debt still outstanding. We work long hours in order to afford our mortgage in a location that's good for our jobs. We likely won't pay our mortgage off until we're retired. Our lifestyle is (somewhat) expensive - partly by choice and partly because there's a certain "look" and a certain amount of (expensive) networking required for work. Basically, our jobs dominate everything else in our life and it feels so oppressive.
Someone once pointed out to me the difference between people who live to work and people who work to live, and I realised, far too late, that I'm in the former camp. I imagine in many ways your son has a better quality of life than many of us, is happier, and has more freedom. You should be incredibly proud of him for knowing himself well enough, and being true to himself enough that he managed to find what eludes so many of us.

Maybe it just doesn't matter. Do you really need to know? What difference will it make? Maybe he feels work is his private life and is not something he wants to discuss and that's ok. He may just be guarded, or he may not be working anyway and afraid of being judged on his productively if he does volunteer anything.

He's a fully grown man and lives on his own.

Of course you can't ask him about his job etc.

He's living the life he's chosen and hopefully happy.

Just leave it. Do you honestly think continuing to raise the topic will somehow miraculously change his stance. This is a clash of values. You place importance on one thing he places importance on another. Tolerance and acceptance are key here. And by the way it’s actually no longer your business now he has fled the nest.

ok thanks ppl...very much so. I am very proud of him, he's an incredibly decent person and he puts value on honesty/trust/love...being present too. He has chosen a lifestyle that isn't fitting with the norm thats for sure but thats ok. He'snot interested in social media, drinking , partying etc I guess myself and his dad aside ,because we dont judge him anymore , he does experience judgement from many others that he may meet when he visits our home town so perhaps he's just sick of having those conversations with ppl
Thanks again ppl for replies

I would say that he has much to be proud of. Just because his life isn't something that you would perhaps choose for him (or yourself) it doesn't mean he is doing something wrong. He is living independently and you are not supporting him. It may be a half life to you but obviously it isn't for him as he is happy. I would echo what a previous poster said and ask why is it so important to you?
A quick story that has similarities, a family member of mine is highly intelligent, went through private schools etc, very clever guy, who quite frankly could have picked any career for himself. But he chose not to. He lives simply and happily in an unskilled job on minimum wage. It's his life and his choice.

A quick story that has similarities, a family member of mine is highly intelligent, went through private schools etc, very clever guy, who quite frankly could have picked any career for himself. But he chose not to. He lives simply and happily in an unskilled job on minimum wage. It's his life and his choice.

Thats very interesting! Thx for sharing. Yes , my son is very intellectual, a very thoughtful and well read man too. He's very articulate and aware. Living simply clearly suits him.