What is normal here? Unpicking childhood issues and realising it family is dysfunctional

[Glassofgingerale]

I don’t get on with my mum much. I rarely call her in case that’s relevant here…
I am on holiday and saw something I thought she’d like to see. I thought I’d FaceTime her to show her. She answered the call but said she doesn’t have much signal. She then cut the call off and text me saying I have no signal. That was about 4 days ago and I haven’t heard from her since,

im just trying to unpick some things because I’m with my friend and she said she finds it so odd my mum hasn’t contacted me since but I’m used to not much contact, I have tried before to increase contact but my mum isn’t really interested, I suppose I thought this is normal until my friends have pointed out that their mums seem to be in touch a lot more and even though I’d like that I know it won’t happen and have just got on with things. Does hurt though. Is this normal? I wonder if I should have contacted her again since the call but I just assume she doesn’t want to talk to me if she doesn’t call back and also just texts things like ‘no signal’ which came through straight away so I’m not even sure if that was true.

I'm sorry, OP, it hurts and it's "not normal": I personally prefer "it's not good", because I've discovered that neglectful mothers are very common.
There's a book called "Mother hunger": maybe it could help you? There are lots of other books adressing more concrete problems, but what you describe (lack of closeness) is very painful and could be due to different factors. In this book you may find answers 💐

it is normal for you, it is also normal for many people.

It is so difficult to come to terms with, but once you accept the mother that you have rather than the mother that you want it is much much easier. I speak to mine maybe once a month, see her twice a year and have fully come to terms with the realisation that she will never be the mum I wanted her to be.

It took me a lifetime to realise my mum is narcissist/sociopathic. This is even with ten plus years of a fantastic counsellor whom I still speak with. She would gently help me face and see the behaviour but I just wasn't ready to truly see it. I now see it and it's horrifying and devastating. That's why we learn to block it out and not fully explore it sometimes.

It is so difficult to know because you grow up in a situation and that's normal to you. You get bad feelings ( especially if they aren't violent and show generosity or agreeablness) and it's confusing.

Look into narcissistic mothers and see if any of this rings true. It can be the biggest shock of your life to realise this stuff.

I have regularly been in hospital,close to death from health challenges. My mum would rarely visit. I'd block it out and excuse it. So would she. Any challenge and she'd get angry. Seeing other families in hospital I started to see it was so abnormal. It's just so hard to accept. These people see you as objects and don't understand true love for others, especially their children.

Dr Ramani on YouTube may be a great starting point.

If it makes you feel any better the last time mine contacted me was 14 years ago - she took time out of her day to send me an awful letter 🙄🤩

There are varying degrees though, and I wouldn’t look at this on its own when looking to understand the relationship.

@SnugCoralFinch thats awful. Mine normally contacts me before she meets up with other people that would notice she doesn’t know if im alive or not. Thanks for the replies. Good idea to try to accept it. Does hurt though.

@Pantaloons99 I'm very familiar with your experience, I'm sorry for it 💐
When big things happen in life it's when you most feel the void, am I right?
It's very hard but once you see it, you can't unsee it and have to move on.

This thread is very helpful I think:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5135984-august-2024-but-we-took-you-to-stately-homes