Supporting older parents / money

[ShouldIJustKeepChangingTables]

My Dad (late 70s), always been a wheeler dealer type, now lives between 2 countries and asks for loans from time to time so he can buy and sell things - never felt hugely comfortable with it, but have always got the money back. I'm a high earner but with 3 kids under 5 and a public sector DH - we’re not struggling, but we’re not saving a great deal at the moment due to childcare costs.

I recently got a text from teenage brother (half, there are a few of us) saying Dad had told him how much he’s struggling with money and asking if all the sibs could contribute £50 a week each from now on. I said that was really kind, but I thought Dad would be uncomfortable with the dynamic that would create (he’s fiercely independent) and an extra £200 p/m won’t be easy for any of us to find, especially those of us with kids.

When I spoke to Dad, I thought he’d be surprised by this ask, but he didn’t seem it and just said ‘oh I don’t think I want to go down that road yet’. Two days later he messaged me asking for £2k ‘to get him on his feet’ and offering to repay this over a year.

I feel really manipulated. I now think my Dad was aware of my brother’s text and I’m irritated that he hasn’t just had a proper conversation with me about it; I also don’t like the feeling that I’ve been tapped up because on paper my salary looks good. I’m frustrated because he does fritter money - he’ll spend £3k on a clapped out campervan thinking he’ll do it up and then his health means he can’t. I’ve never said anything because it’s his life, but I also don’t want to fund decision-making that I think is a bit daft.

I’ve told him I don’t have £2k to spare (I don’t easily) and have given him £500 instead. But I’m cross and also worried about the longer term. Has anyone experienced anything similar - should I be planning to give him some sort of allowance? Or is that just enabling him to not change his lifestyle to be more in keeping with his means (basically the normal pension)?

When you lend family money do not expect it back,

Your right stop enabling him. Im surprised he's not embarrassed asking his children for money because he has never put a plan in place to sort himself out. This will go in forever and giving to him regularly takes away from your own children. It should stop especially now as children get more costly as they grow older and your circumstances could change at any minute so save any extra you have for your own families rainy day (it will come). He a grown adult

Stop giving him money, he has had all his life to put something in place without having to rely on his children for a living.

Honestly, he should be embarrassed taking money from his grandchildren.

This isn't your problem op.

Do not further fund and or otherwise enable your financially feckless dad.

I would now tell him that you want the £500 you lent him (and were suckered into doing so) back by the end of this week. Then tell him that the bank of changing tables is now closed - permanently.

Thank you for the replies (did the classic thing of posting early doors and then getting consumed by work, so only just checked back now.)

Heartened by the responses so far - wasn’t sure if I’d be shouted at for not being a good enough daughter! Totally agree he should have put a plan in place earlier, I think he’s a bit surprised he’s made it to the age he has tbh, and never thought he’d need provision in his old age.

We have a vague idea about moving in the next few years to a place with an annexe or similar and offering that to him - I’d rather that than hard cash as I just don’t trust he’ll use cash sensibly. I obviously don’t want to see him struggling but I also don’t want to create a dependency. Am a bit worried that my younger siblings will give him some of their (tiny) wages, but I also think they need to see for themselves that he’s not very good at making good financial decisions.

No , stop ! Don’t give him anymore . I can never understand how parents can get themselves in a state that they need to borrow off their kids . I could never have the cheek to ask my son for finances if I know I’m blowing money unnecessarily. You have every right to be angry .

Speaking as someone with a dad who was truly appalling with money and who crowned a long career of semi-criminal financial disasters by funnelling other people's money to scammers, I would stop funding him and perhaps stop thinking of him as 'fiercely independent' - that may be how he thinks of himself but it's not borne out by this situation. I'd also be very careful about tying yourself into living in the same house.

IF he will talk to you honestly about his financial setup, then maybe. But if he won't involve you, don't involve yourself.

You make a very fair point that he’s not actually independent.

how did you manage it with your dad, if you don’t mind me asking? I still want a relationship with him, just not at any cost.

We had a very difficult relationship when I was growing up and he was absent for large periods. I actually feel really chuffed that we’ve worked through all that to find a decent equilibrium and he has a fab relationship with the kids (probs because he’s never grown up!) But that definitely adds to my frustration, that he’s jeopardising an equilibrium that was quite hard won (on my side at least).