Should I give sister her birthday present?

[Atethehalloweenchocs]

Will try to make this short - very dysfunctional family background, and the youngest (by a long way) of 4. My older sister is less bad than the other two and was always protected by my mother (who identified with her as the oldest in the family). It has to be said my mother also got a kick from stirring up discord at times. She got better as she aged, but by then a lot of damage was done.

DS has a long history of criticizing, picking at and lashing out at me. I will hold my hand up at not being perfect, but if I snap at her it is retaliation to ongoing sniping. I am not perfect and dont like getting to the point I clap back at her, but occasionally I cant help it. My mum always said I made my sister nervous- my step dad says it is because I have a nice house, good job, friends and by all measures my life is a good one and she feels overshadowed by me.

Last year I had taken an afternoon off work (she does not work) to take her somewhere - she did not thank me, I found out later she could have taken a bus, and after listening to her drone on about her hobby for hours, I was telling her I was going to have to increase my hours at work because my mortgage had gone up and I did not know how I was going to cope. She cut across me to make an unrelated remark and I lost my cool. I raised my voice, and said that she only saw me as someone to use when she needed something and she could not be bothered to even pretend to be interested in me. Since then when I do see her she is positively venomous, and her lashing out has taken on a really nasty edge. The last time I saw her was fathers day, had arranged to take my step dad out for lunch, invited her because I dont like to leave people out and she was shouting at me in the pub over something so stupid its hard to even describe. I have not talked to her since. Usually I leave it a while and reach out, but I just dont feel like I want to this time.

So, it is her birthday on Friday. I would usually take her out over the weekend but have not made any arrangements. I have a gift for her, am planning to leave it by her door on Friday morning when I know she will be out.

What would you do? I am torn. On one hand I would like to have a relationship with my sibling. On the other, I dont need to be on the receiving end of nasty comments.

Of course you don't. Her behavior has been a factor since childhood an still continuing to escalate. It'd be miraculous to witness changes at this stage of life. Do the unexpected on Friday.

I think it might hurt her to leave a gift and not see her

Why bother. Do you need or even want all this anguish in your life.

Ignore her birthday. Show as much interest in her going forward as she has in you. Toxic family isn't worth fighting to keep around.

Sounds like you need to go low contact. I would definitely just leave the gift on the doorstep.

Also, look into grey rock technique for when you do have to see her.

Thanks all for your input. I have had a think and am going to leave the door is open without making contact with her. I am sort of worried about her MH - she told my step dad today that she did not know when her birthday was. I have wondered about possible dementia (she is a lot older than I am) but she has always been odd so it is hard to say how much of her behaviour is her personality and how much may be other issues. I think LC and grey rock is the best option for me, so will leave the gift with a card, and then she can decide what she wants to do. She has been a toxic influence in my life, so if we have contact it will have to be different.

Luckily you don't have to be ' sort of worried about her MH ' as there are other siblings, plus at least one parent/step parent

your life will be so much more peaceful and stressless if you just concentrate on yourself and your own family, so LC and grey rocking is the way to go...

Thanks @OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon - she is not in touch with any of the other siblings - they have all been estranged from each other for years, I was the only one in touch with all of them, but one by one this has become impossible (substance misuse, stealing, threatening behaviour). But you are right, she is not my problem. I would just hate for her to end up completely isolated and suffering. However, that is her choice.

I do think you might need counselling to unpick all this .

Your family does sound messy and toxic - They are all adults . It definitely isn’t your responsibility to sort anyone else . The only behaviour you can change is yours and that means looking after your Mh

Oh, I have had lots (and a career change because of it!). It was clearly a very dysfunctional family with two very damaged people as parents. Who truly did their best - as inadequate as it was. As an adult I wanted to try and make the relationship better - I managed it with my parents, but they took some responsibility for themselves and acknowledged my views. My sister is stuck in victim mode and discussion is impossible. It just makes me very sad. For me and for her. But yes, protecting my MH has to take priority here. Thank you for your comment.

So I dropped the present off today, she opened the door and we had a short conversation - you would think nothing bad had ever happened. Going to continue LC for now (ie. not make contact with her), and will see what happens. Thanks to everyone who posted.