Boyfriend wants wedding/marriage and I don’t

[VanessaActually]

BF and I have been together for 5 years and we have been clashing recently over our next steps. We speak about marriage, weddings etc often as our friends are starting to get married.

His family are Christian and he believes as well. He’s the oldest grandchild, and wants his grandparents and extended family to see him getting married and the big wedding.

I can’t stand the idea of a wedding or a marriage ceremony. I’m not against marriage in the civil context (for tax reasons!) but I don’t and never have wanted a wedding. I’m not religious in any way. My Dad died a few years ago and for me they are also really upsetting with the father giving away the daughter and dad/daughter dances. My parents were happily together and never married, and I want to honour that for them.

I want to be with him in the long run and have children and settle down, but I just hate the idea of any kind of ceremony or wedding!

We have clashed and he doesn’t seem to understand my reasons for not wanting one, but at the same time I understand why he wants the wedding. I don’t know how to proceed with this and it seems like we are going round in circles.

Unfortunately some things can't be compromised on. Would you agree to get married to make him happy? You shouldn't have to but if the answer is no then you also have to accept if marriage is important to him he may find someone who will marry him.

What doesn't he get about your side? The thing about dads giving daughters away is surely relatable, if nothing else is? What does he struggle with in his understanding? Does he just shut you down, or is he curious to try to understand?

There may be a compromise, like a big party or something, but if you are unable to come to an agreement on a major decision, perhaps you shouldn't be committing anyway?

I'm marrying my DP of 12 years in September. I am not opposed to marriage for sound business reasons (!) but really not into weddings etc. I tried to elope but he wants to do it properly and so we are, because I love him and it's important to him. I'm kind of dreading the day as i will be hugely out of my comfort zone but it's one day and the marriage is what counts.

If he's a Christian, then he probably values marriage as a sacrament. You're happy with the practical benefits of being married. So it seems sensible to go ahead and marry each other, especially as you've talked about having children.

The compromise comes with you not wanting a wedding at all and him wanting a big wedding.

I empathise with how you feel. I hate being the centre of attention which is one of the main reasons that I said no when dp suggested marriage (many years ago).

Your boyfriend seems more invested in having a big wedding to please his family rather than because it's what he actually wants himself.

Can you find a middle way. Eg registery office for immediate family (parents and siblings) and very closest friends then going for a celebratory meal at a nearby restaurant.

First of all, I would question whether you don’t want to get married or whether you don’t want to marry him specifically.
If it’s something you DO want, then you both need to be able to compromise for your marriage to even stand a chance in the first place. Can you have a small ceremony and big party, or a big wedding but with non-“traditional” things, like walking down the aisle together, not the “giving away” thing?
I’ve seen plenty of weddings without father- daughter dances, I don’t think that’s all that unusual these days.
I have some friends who are both very quiet, shy people and they opted for no speeches.
A wedding can be anything you want it to be. Ultimately it’s just a day. The marriage itself is where your efforts should be spent.

I assume if he is a practicing Christian then you aren’t having sex?

Recently l heard a woman on the radio so upset because her partner had died and since they weren't married she was enduring all sorts of issues around property , inheritance tax etc. She said it never occurred to them to get married as they were happy how they were for about 15 years.. I was, literally, shouting at the radio ...for goodness sake how could you not know that marriage gives you more protection..
So my advice is get married!! Also if your dp is Christian is there always going to be issues eg: how you rear your kids with or without faith , do you bring them to church. You both have a lot to think about.

You accuse him of not understanding your point of view but you haven't said in your OP whether there is any compromise here that you yourself would accept.

Your stance is that you want to be with him but not marry him. But that's not something he is offering you. He is clearly telling you marriage is non negotiable for him. Is it a case of him not understanding or listening to you, or is it simply that he isn't going to change his mind and you haven't accepted that? It's not a matter of finding a different way to get your point across. His position is perfectly clear.

It's up to you to decide how far you are willing to compromise and not wanting to get married is perfectly valid, but I think you have to accept that if this is a red line for you, you are going to lose this relationship.

As you and @junebirthdaygirl flag, if you’re in England and Wales (perhaps you’re not), marriage/a civil partnership give you important legal rights that you wouldn’t otherwise have around ownership of assets/inheritance tax/being next of kin.

You can have a very quiet wedding if the loss of your father means you don’t want something large. I completely understand that. We didn’t really have a wedding. We just got married. My plan was to have a proper celebration some time afterwards but my mum became terminally ill shortly afterwards so that party never happened and never will.

However, it doesn’t quite sound right to me that you are taking the position that you want to honour the fact your parents never married by never marrying yourself. In his shoes, that wouldn’t feel like a very compelling reason to me especially if you see yourselves having a shared future and DCs.

Given our ages when we met, DH and I prioritised starting a family over getting married. It took us over a decade to get round to doing that. And for all that I had thought - before then - that having a shared mortgage and shared children demonstrated our commitment, getting married did feel like an additional level of commitment and an important step to have taken.

Your parents may have never married, but that doesn't mean you can't. For practical reasons, it gives you much better protection with regards to finances etc. I understand not having your Dad to walk with you and 'give you away' would be hard, but again it's not a reason why you can't marry. A wedding can be anything you want it to be, the most important part is the ceremony. You and your partner could walk down together or you could have your Mum giving you away. Your partner is religious and clearly marriage is important to him. I'm not religious at all, my husband a little, we didn't marry in church. You could have a non-religious wedding at a hotel and then a blessing in church. There is always a way, if marriage is something you both want.