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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Are these various scenarios crossing a boundary?

27 replies

Oreoorea · 05/08/2024 22:13

Would like your honest opinions. partner of 1 year, don’t live together.
wokld it bother you if they-

  1. went away on a work trip/retreat type event and used a naked sauna. Being naked wasn’t compulsory but ‘everyone else was doing it’
  2. had a close friend who they confide in daily, text, meet up in a group scenario who turns out they met on a dating app but decided just to be friends.
  3. has disclosed that they have regularly kissed their friend in the past as a ‘laugh’ before we were together and expect us to double date now with said friend and their wife.

disclaimer- I purposely did not include this at the start but we are a same sex couple so all parties in these scenarios are other lesbian women. Maybe this changes your views? Interested to hear

OP posts:
Eyesopenwideawake · 05/08/2024 22:14
  1. No
  2. No
  3. Yes
Snacksgalore · 05/08/2024 22:15

Eyesopenwideawake · 05/08/2024 22:14

  1. No
  2. No
  3. Yes

I agree.

Sugarcoldturkey · 05/08/2024 22:19

It doesn't matter what other posters think. What matters is what you think. You are clearly not happy with the scenarios described. That is perfectly valid.

There isn't a one-true-formula for boundaries. You should base your boundaries on your personal needs and wants. To be honest, it doesn't sound like you and your partner are compatible.

Talk it through together to see if you can reach some sort of compromise, but if your partner dismisses your concerns and refuses to listen respectfully then run for the hills.

theurbanpigeon · 05/08/2024 22:28

Personally don’t think any of these things is that big a deal; think I would be least comfortable with the second one. First one think a bit odd to do that at work but I guess if that's your workplace sure; third one - if the other friend is married now sounds like there's nothing between then, I have kissed friends in the past and it meant nothing. Second one sounds like a guess a friendship that could be a bit blurry lines but suggest you trust your gut on that one. If you've been around them hanging out and it's seemed totally platonic I wouldn't overthink it.

On other hand if these things are making you anxious you should feel able to discuss all three with your partner.

BCBird · 05/08/2024 22:29

No on all 3 scenarios

Watchkeys · 05/08/2024 22:31

Who decides where your boundaries are, OP, and why does it matter to you where ours are?

FloofPaws · 05/08/2024 22:32

I wouldn't really be that bothered about any of these things unless I thought she / anyone else had an interest in my partner

Newbie8918 · 05/08/2024 22:40

No on all counts but it doesn't matter what random strangers on the internet think, if it bothers you. They are your boundaries. Only you can decide which make you feel slightly uncomfortable and which are dealbreakers.

doyoulikemyyams · 05/08/2024 22:45

A boundary isn't a boundary if it hasn't been communicated.

Otherwise it's just a trap.

Oreoorea · 05/08/2024 22:49

doyoulikemyyams · 05/08/2024 22:45

A boundary isn't a boundary if it hasn't been communicated.

Otherwise it's just a trap.

A trap? How have I trapped my partner with these? Didn’t realise these scenarios would come up to communicate it first…surely you can’t plan for every eventuality?

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 05/08/2024 23:01

No, but you can have a discussion now, express your discomfort, and see how she responds.

She might respect your feelings, or she might not. She can't not do the things she's already done, but she can demonstrate her empathy for you.

What do you think she'd do if you told her you were uncomfortable about the things you told us?

Oreoorea · 05/08/2024 23:07

Watchkeys · 05/08/2024 23:01

No, but you can have a discussion now, express your discomfort, and see how she responds.

She might respect your feelings, or she might not. She can't not do the things she's already done, but she can demonstrate her empathy for you.

What do you think she'd do if you told her you were uncomfortable about the things you told us?

i did tell her and she didn’t see the big deal.

a drip feed possibly but for point 2 she told me a different story of how they first met which did not include matching on an app.

the naked sauna thing feels like the biggest boundary cross to me

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 05/08/2024 23:10

So she doesn't see your boundaries as a big deal?

I'd see that as a big deal. Don't you? Nothing worse than being brushed off when you're feeling concerned about something.

BigPussyEnergy · 05/08/2024 23:15

I’ve been in a naked sauna - it’s the least sexy place ever, just the done thing not to wear clothes/towels in there.

Re the daily texting, it would depend on how prolific a texter they are generally - ie do they text you as much/more than their friend? Do they text others too? What is the content/tone of the texts? Etc

3rd one - I wouldn’t love the fact that they’d kissed “for a laugh”. Surely they either kissed or they didn’t. Double dating with an ex wouldn’t worry me if they were genuinely just friends now. If there was a lot of talk about the old days or flirting etc then no, I wouldn’t like that.

Amazingday · 05/08/2024 23:18

I don’t think it would bother me. I am best friends with my ex who I met on a dating app. My now DP found it weird at first. Admittedly they won’t be best friends. But he acceits sbd trusts me.

Opentooffers · 05/08/2024 23:19
  1. Depends if sauna was mixed sex, or surrounded by other naked lesbians.
  2. she lied about how they met, so she knows its suss.
  3. They've kissed regularly before you, but was it during her friends marriage? I'd be inclined to agree to double date once to suss out the dynamics between your GF and friend and between friend and her wife ( plus if you get time alone with her wife ask how she feels about the 'friendship'.
Radarkeigh · 05/08/2024 23:20

No idea on lesbians Im afraid. Imagine its different to hetero couples

Watchkeys · 05/08/2024 23:21

Radarkeigh · 05/08/2024 23:20

No idea on lesbians Im afraid. Imagine its different to hetero couples

Why post?!

Grendell · 05/08/2024 23:28

Naked saunas are normal here - Korean Spas - is that what you are talking about? That would not bother me at all.

Re: The woman they decided they were just friends, I would accept that. If they wanted to be a couple, they had the chance and didn't do it. I think that is pretty normal in the lesbian community, at least from my experience. Having ex's around is normal, too. The community is just so small.

So I would not be bothered by any of this.

housemaus · 05/08/2024 23:37

None of those would be issues for me - non-sexual nudity in a setting where it's normal, and two instances of people actively choosing not to pursue something romantic/sexual when they could have but remained friends. Not much that I personally would care about. But if you DO care and she doesn't, then you need to decide how much they matter to you and if they're dealbreakers.

That's all there is to it, really - the question could be "my other half wears orange shoes and I hate the colour orange" or something equally ridiculous, doesn't matter if everyone else thinks so. If it's a problem for you, decide how much of a problem it is and then set a boundary - they can decide to meet it, or not. You can't retrospectively get them to un-do something they've already done because it doesn't meet your emotional requirements, but you can decide how to proceed once you know if they're willing to meet you where you're comfortable or not.

EverywhereYouGo · 06/08/2024 01:10

The first two don't involve you so wouldn't be an issue at all. The last one, she's wrong to 'expect' you to do anything you're not happy with. If you don't want to, say no.

VotesForWomen · 06/08/2024 01:30

Oreoorea · 05/08/2024 23:07

i did tell her and she didn’t see the big deal.

a drip feed possibly but for point 2 she told me a different story of how they first met which did not include matching on an app.

the naked sauna thing feels like the biggest boundary cross to me

The sauna is the least problematic of the three, to me. I've been naked in a sauna a few times and it's definitely not a sexy environment IME. I wouldn't expect a partner to have a problem with me doing it - I'd be quite taken aback if they said they did have a problem with it, and it would possibly even be a red flag to me.

My body is my body, and whether I choose to go naked in a suitable environment or not is my choice, not my partner's.

CuriousGeorge80 · 06/08/2024 01:52

Sauna wouldn’t bother me at all - I am also a gay woman and I’ve never known a naked sauna be dodgy (know lesbians who use them).

2 and 3 I think depends totally on the dynamic of those relationships now, which none of us can comment on. Do you think there is something unrequited on your partner’s part or not? May be innocent may be an issue, we can’t tell.

MapleTreeValley · 06/08/2024 01:56

The sauna one is absolutely fine IMO. Not sure I'd be happy with 3 though.

doyoulikemyyams · 06/08/2024 08:22

Oreoorea · 05/08/2024 22:49

A trap? How have I trapped my partner with these? Didn’t realise these scenarios would come up to communicate it first…surely you can’t plan for every eventuality?

No, you can't plan for every eventuality, but you can have conversations about what each of you considers to be 'cheating', the behaviours that trigger your insecurities, and the requests you want to make of one another about how to handle situations where nudity / other people are involved.

The fact that you're posting to ask if she's crossed a boundary makes it clear that those conversations haven't been had (at least not in an effective way), which means she hasn't crossed a boundary, she's just done some things that you don't like.

Which doesn't make it fun for you, and of course you have every right to feel upset about anything that upsets you, but this is where the 'trap' element comes in.

I don't use the word like you've done it intentionally, but if boundaries aren't set explicitly, the unspoken expectation operates like a trap.

It's asking your partner to play a game to which they haven't been told all the rules, and then getting upset or angry because they're not winning.

Ultimately it sounds like your question isn't about whether boundaries have been crossed, it's whether your partner was wrong to do those things and whether you have the right to be upset.