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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dealing with past trauma

4 replies

AwDrxo · 05/08/2024 21:33

Hoping someone has been through similar and can help me move forward

To cut a long story short my partner was terribly abusive for many years. (verbally,mentally) drank excessively, horrible to me and the kids. So much has happened. So many threats of suicide over the years. Stood by him time and time again.

Things got the worst they had ever been and I asked him to leave. He left and threatened suicide but got help with mental health services via hospital. I supported him on this as he had never got help before and was willing to change. Opened up to family on both sides about what was happening (they were incredibly supportive but for me also, couldn't have got through it without them)

Things massively changed but not perfect. But i'm still struggling to get over everything that has happened in the past. The anger that the kids witnessed, the things he called me and his explossove oitbursts they witnessed. It was horrific at time. I'm praying to god they are too young to remember and won't remember. I really tried my best to shield it from them but I didn't feel strong enough to walk away and do it alone in the early days when I should have. I find myself resenting him more and more as the days go on as I remember everything he's put us through, even though he's changed a lot. I struggle to look at pictures of the kids as I'm reminded of things that happed that day and how bad things were during that time. I long to be on my own with the kids now as I just hate the person he was and still can be sometimes (not abusive but still nasty words). How do I get through the days without constantly thinking of the past. Has anyone got over something like this or ended up waiting it out till kids are older and then separated

OP posts:
XChrome · 05/08/2024 21:43

The short answer is you won't get over it if you are still being verbally abused, which you have said is still happening. Using nasty words in you is being abusive. You can't recover from something that is still going on.
Leave him before he destroys your children's mental well-being as he has done yours.
Then, and only then, will you start to heal.

KaleQueen · 05/08/2024 22:03

I haven’t been through that but I know someone who has. And the change was sadly short lived I’m afraid. But that doesn’t matter really. You need to do what’s best for you and it sounds like you feel like you ‘should’ be accepting him back but don’t really want to. The way you’re feeling is totally normal, don’t feel bad if you feel you’re better off without him in your home xx

Bastide · 05/08/2024 22:10

I’d move forward by ending the relationship. Don’t waste any more time on him.

Itiswhysofew · 05/08/2024 22:43

He's making changes to improve his behaviour, but is still abusive towards you. Let him get on with it.

Focus on you and DC. You deserve a life free of abuse.

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