Thinking of going NC with my mum

[fedupandstressed1]

Posting here too.

Just that really, she isn't the easiest person to deal with. She has her favourites, and makes it very known. If I say anything she gets very defensive.

She claims carers allowance for my daughter, as she is disabled. She takes her to school and picks her up as I work - she is only there for a few hours a day and goes 2 days a week. She usually drops her back to me straight after and goes out and drives around with her 'friends'

I WFH and do most of the childcare around working. Before anyone jumps on me. My work are aware and are fine with this, they encourage this, and encourage us to bring our kids to the office during the holidays.

Since the holidays my mum has helped with my daughter once. I know I sound entitled but she gets paid money to help with her and she does the bare minimum. I'm sure it isn't over 35 hours - I haven't calculated it recently.

She has all the time in the world for my brother's children, and has them stay for the whole 6 weeks while his wife and himself are NOT working. She will watch me struggle but will give them all the help in the world - even tho the kids are old enough to stay alone (one in year 11 and one in first year of 6th form) Even though my child has additional needs, they are very well behaved and such a joy to be around.

Also, since she has had my brother's children all she does is buy them McDonald's with the carers money she gets.

It's not just this, if she needs anything like passport renew, online shopping - she comes to me and expects me to do it for her. I'm honestly at my wits end with her, there is no talking to her. All she says is she tries her best for everyone.

Should I go NC as I am doing most of the childcare myself and make her give up the carers allowance? I just don't even want to speak to her anymore, but feel some sort of guilt as she is my mum. I am grateful for the help I do get but she clearly does not care about us like she does my brother and his children.

It sounds a bit toxic. When money is involved with family arrangements I.e carers allowance, it can sometimes bring out the worst in people. Without knowing your mum or her situation people can't really judge, personally based on what youve wrote it doesn't seem anywhere close to a no contact situation.

Your mum may well spend more time with your sibling and his children, and that probably doesn't sit right with you. One thing to remember though is she is not obligated to look after any grandchildren, she's been there done that raising her own children. I would say change the situation with the carers allowance if that's possible

You could try sitting her down and speaking to her about how you feel regarding the other things?

She's not caring for your dc for those hours, so cancel the allowance.

I would just drop a message . I assume you will be cancelling the CA as it requires 35 hours a week .

I would then go low contact .

no contact is really hard . I know as someone who has needed to do it

@Sjay123 I have tried, she gets very defensive and says she tries her best. In no way do I expect her to look after my DC. But she does not treat us all the same - and this does not sit right with me.

She is toxic and one other sibling does not speak to her because she mentally abused them. She's not a nice person, this pushes me to NC, she doesn't want to do it unless it benefits her financially.

I could say a lot more, but it's very outing.

@Starlightstarbright3

Yes I think this may be best. Keep her at arms length. She expects to live with me when she's old, I will refuse as she can live with my brother (she has already said she doesn't want to)

I'm not in the same situation as you but my daughter is autistic, I receive the carers allowance for her. My relationship with my mother is well, not a relationship. She is very narcissistic, negative and bitter, it took me until my mid twenties to realise she's always been this way.

I'm just very low contact!

You don't expect your mum to look after your child, but she's claiming carers allowance. That doesn't sound right at all!

@Whereelsetochataboutit

What I meant is I don't expect her to look after my child 24/7 like she does with my brother's children. But I do expect her to help me out and have my child while I work as she claims the carers allowance.

I have spoken to her but nothing changes! She still drops her off after school and says I'll be back in a minute - she never does.

@Sjay123

I'm sorry you have to deal with that too. Yeah, it took me until my 30's to realise what sort of person she is.

How do you get on with your siblings?

These families are usually messy .

There you are then. She's doing it only for the money. Do yourself a favour and kill two birds with one stone. Stop the money and stop contact - ideally both at the same time.

I genuinely cannot understand how some mothers treat their family. she's as toxic as hell, and you will be happier without her.

In no way do I expect her to look after my DC.

The state does. They are paying her to do it and she's not, so she is committing benefit fraud.

And @fedupandstressed1 unless you put a stop to it, the authorities may think that you are complicit in the fraud because you are knowingly allowing her to claim for your DC when she isn't looking after them.

Well she can fuck right off with that idea. She has no right whatsoever to expect you (or your sibling) to do that.

I have just called her and told her she needs to cancel the carers allowance as she does not look after DC for 35 hours and doesn't help as much as she should.

She was very defensive, and said all she does is try her best for everyone (she's delusional, I think she genuinely believes that) I told her, her best is not good enough.

@fedupandstressed1 since it is your child that she's claiming this allowance for, surely you can cancel it yourself? Just contact them and say that the arrangement has now ceased and they need to stop paying her.