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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Toxic mother in law

23 replies

Emilyjayne33 · 05/08/2024 14:02

I'll try and give a short version as this has been on going for nearly 8 years.
Basically. My husband and I have been together 18 years. Married for 8. Have 2 children. Age 7 and 3.
I always got on with my in-laws. I was always weary of my mother in law but still kept the peace. (She used to make snide comments and I'd never know if she was joking).
Once I'd birthed our son. She became unbearable. Used to bad mouth me to my husband for things like me just taking our son to my mums or I had a few months of recurrent tonsillitis where I'd be bed bound and my sister would help out (because they'd offer but my mother in law never did). She would make a point of booking tables for meals at times like 8pm knowing our son went to sleep at 7 and I just didn't want him around them drunk (they love alcohol!).
All these little things added up until one day she made a comment to my husband about me and my mum. So I called her out on it. We stopped talking that day. She disowned her own son without a care!
She did send a vile letter blaming me for everything and She then turned my husbands entire family against us until here we are 7.5 years later and the only person who speaks to us and has a relationship with our children, is his younger brother.
Unfortunately my mother in law now tries to cause trouble through my brother in law. Makes comments to him. Tells everyone she only has 1 grandchild (her middle son has a 1 year old) . She found out we were moving and then managed to find our address and we caught them outside in the car.
She also goes a far as getting other family members to turn up at restaurants when she knows we are meeting my brother in law.
I've never reacted to any of this. However I'm finding it's slowly eating away at me. There's a small part that wants to finally have my say, to call her out on all her bulls*. But I keep telling myself to rise above it.

I want some advice really on how I can stop this woman having some kind of hold over me. My husband says he doesn't care and to let it go. But it's constant. It's getting me to the point where I don't even want to see my brother in law because I know it's going to bring up yet another conversation of all the crap she's been chatting.
It's mentally draining.
I don't want her to know she's getting to me but at the same time I want her to know I'm not a doormat.

😪 2018 this started and boy is she dragging it out.

I'll never reconcile with her. My children do not need her toxicity in their lives. I just want her to stop. Stop dragging our names through the mud.

Appreciate the time you've taken to read my rant.
Xx

OP posts:
AluckyEllie · 05/08/2024 14:09

Your husbands brother needs to stop telling you the stuff she is saying, just tell him you aren’t interested. If he keeps doing it I would be tempted not to see him either. It sounds like you have a nice family on your side, how does your husband feel about what has happened? Does he miss his family or is he not bothered?

It sounds like this MIL is used to ruling the roost in the family and is majorly pissed she doesn’t have the control anymore in regards to your
husband/you and your children. Any normal grandparent would prioritise a relationship with the grandkids and not engage in petty vendettas. She is a narcissist. She won’t change. Don’t give her any thought, don’t let anyone tell you what she’s up to/saying. Just eliminate her from your life.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/08/2024 14:16

Your brother-in-law is clearly one of your mother-in-law's flying monkeys. Sadly, your relationship with him needs to end as well because he is the one who is causing the continued abuse. Your husband can see him, you will not.

Peoniesinbloom · 05/08/2024 14:19

Your brother in law is a flying monkey, tell him you don't want to know anything about MIL and you do not want him to share any info about you, your kids and when and where you are meeting him or you will go no contact with him as well.
he must have told her your new address, why?

tetheredgoat · 05/08/2024 14:28

Your BiL is the go between, stirring up strife.

Should your DH continue to see his brother it would probably
be best for him not to divulge any of your family business to BiL
and perhaps practise diverting any conversation which includes
reference to your MiL or wider family, so that he doesn’t have to
actually say - look, I’m not interested, which will be reported back
to camp anyway.

How deeply unhappy and discontent must your MiL be to pursue you in this way.

tetheredgoat · 05/08/2024 14:29

@Aquamarine1029 and @Peoniesinbloom have called it

Mischance · 05/08/2024 14:34

You are rid of her. You need also to get rid of the conduit via which her toxins are flowing ... i.e. your BIL.
Two choices:

  • refuse further contact with him.
  • be clear when you see him that any conversation about MIL and family us vetoed.

Draw clear lines.

FakeMiddleton · 05/08/2024 14:44

^what they all said PLUS...

WTF is your husband doing? Like, they showed up IN THE CAR stalking you and your husband's reaction this whole time seems to be no more than a shoulder shrug?

Aquamarine1029 · 05/08/2024 14:46

FakeMiddleton · 05/08/2024 14:44

^what they all said PLUS...

WTF is your husband doing? Like, they showed up IN THE CAR stalking you and your husband's reaction this whole time seems to be no more than a shoulder shrug?

Exactly. What a milquetoast. Per usual, you have a massive husband problem as well.

cookiesnScream · 05/08/2024 14:49

I’m going through this right now so can relate! Married 16 years and my MIL has turned both my husbands sisters against me to the point they don’t even talk to me. It makes me sad as I never had any siblings and was truly looking forward to finally having 2 sisters or so I thought. Funny thing is I’m civil to my MIL and we meet up but the fighting she has caused with his sisters has never been resolved. DH doesn’t care as his life is easier now. It breaks my heart to see my kids excluded from family events. They will never have cousins.

FakeMiddleton · 05/08/2024 14:49

I've re-read. Your DH has his mum slagging you off to her... has seen his mum illegitimise his own son... why hasn't he absolutely gone postal on her?

Emilyjayne33 · 05/08/2024 15:48

Thanks all for your replies !

I will chat to my BIL.
Part of me worries he's telling them information even though he claims not too. I'll never know but the way she knows where we live, kinda speaks volumes

My husband supported me from day 1 in it all. However I do sometimes wish he'd be a bit more vocal. He says I shouldn't let them get to me. I've had moments where I've been in the area that they live and had to seriously refrain from Knocking her door but never have.

He feels that as far as he's concerned. He's done with them so doesn't see any point in saying anything.

It's horrible how I feel some times. I've had moments where I feel guilty and wish I'd have never said anything but know that it would have cost me massively with my own happiness.

She's a vile woman. Wish she'd just get over herself.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 05/08/2024 15:59

I will chat to my BIL.
Part of me worries he's telling them information even though he claims not too. I'll never know but the way she knows where we live, kinda speaks volumes

Op, of course he is. She's not psychic, he tells her everything. He's a pawn in her little game. You have to face facts that for your own well-being, you cannot have a relationship with him. He is not fully on your side.

FakeMiddleton · 05/08/2024 16:13

Your BIL, you and her are triangulated. That's what narcissists do.

Your husband is wrong. You're allowed to feel how you feel. If my ILs sat outside in their car, I'd have phoned the police. Yes, really.

labamba007 · 05/08/2024 16:28

I disagree I think your husband has behaved well. He's cut off his entire family which won't have been easy (even if they are nightmares) I also think that beyond cutting his brother out of his life (the only family he has left) that maybe you could work on not letting it get to you as much. Can you not go out more when brother in law comes round?

DecoratingDiva · 08/08/2024 11:40

You need her out of your life completely and the only to do that is to remove the BIL.

He is the one telling you what is said.
He is the one telling other people when/where you are meeting
He is your only point of contact.

Either he changes his behaviour (unlikely) or you cut contact with him.

MustBeGinOclock · 09/08/2024 05:50

Bil is stirring the sh#t here. That's the truth. How else could she find things out. Maybe you just need to leave husband to see his brother and you stay out of it. For your own mental health. He's a snake.

Autel · 09/08/2024 05:58

I can’t imagine giving someone I didn’t like and had had no relationship with in years have so much of my emotional energy. Just tell your BIL to stop telling you stuff.

Therealmetherealme · 09/08/2024 06:44

BIL just loves the drama, we all do when it doesn't include us. He is his mother's son after all. No need to cut him off, that will just 'prove' to MIL you're in the wrong. Just have strong boundaries, be aware of what you and your husband are saying around him and live a happy life.

anywhichone · 09/08/2024 06:56

Of course your bil is telling them how else would they know?? Either cut your relationship with him or don't tell him anything u don't want to get back to mil!

Toooldtopretend · 10/08/2024 08:58

FakeMiddleton · 05/08/2024 16:13

Your BIL, you and her are triangulated. That's what narcissists do.

Your husband is wrong. You're allowed to feel how you feel. If my ILs sat outside in their car, I'd have phoned the police. Yes, really.

I don’t think the police have time to get involved in people sitting in a car on a public road 🤦🏻‍♀️

FakeMiddleton · 10/08/2024 16:19

@Toooldtopretend - missing the point.

Welshmonster · 11/08/2024 10:23

I had some cognitive behaviour therapy after my pregnancy loss at 18+6.

it didn’t help with that but what it did do was help me recognise triggers and my mum is one of them with her behaviour.

now I know what they are I can stop these feelings in their tracks so they have no power over me.

try speaking to a professional.

it will also wind your mother in law up more.

speak to BIL and tell him to stop sharing locations and time of meet ups with family members as it’s upsetting the evening.

mil just wants control and she doesn’t have any so is grasping at straws now

Ghostface333 · 11/08/2024 15:46

Sorry to read this OP. I have had similar but we chose to cut contact with MIL and not the other way around. For a few years we weren’t particularly awake to the fact that BIL & SIL were playing both sides and contributing the drama. Be careful this isn’t what’s happening to you. Whenever anyone brought up MIL to me I’d casually brush over conversation and state she isn’t of any relevance to me. ‘Did you hear what MIL said to so and so about you’, ‘nope, I’m not interested in what she has to say’. ‘Did you see MIL at this place, she said she saw you’, ‘oh no can’t say I noticed her’. Make it very clear you aren’t paying attention and her behaviour has no effect on you! Play it off that she takes up
none of your head space and eventually that becomes reality.

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