Suppressing my desire to leave my marriage

[Liddldiddl]

I've spent most of the last 21 years wondering if I should stay in my marriage. I'm not up for spending the next 20 feeling the same.

He has a horrible temper, is always stressed or anxious and it comes out as shouting and anger.

We argue/ bicker about everything even good stuff that happens, like financial windfalls.

I could write a whole big list of my complaints - there are many. I have always said that my husband is my biggest stressor. It shouldn't be this way.

He has improved hugely over the last 5 years - because I gave him a series of ultimations.

We had family counselling - I paid for it, he didn't contribute. The kids and I all agreed the worst thing about him was his temper.

He got better, then it slipped. Another ultimation from me. He did CBT, which helped a lot.

But the verbal aggression and temper still slip out regularly - in little flashes now, rather than big outbursts. Although there are still outbursts like he shouted at me for accidentally waking him up when i got into bed. That turned into a 3 day argument.

He's finally said he'll get therapy, and couples counselling- having said no to both for years.

I don't know if I can forgive him for everything that has happened. I need to forgive myself for putting up with it. My contribution to the shouting was that I allowed it. And i shouted back. I know it takes two.

He wants me to commit to trying to make it work for the next 2 years while dd2 does her A levels.

I feel stifled by him.

I'm away atm taking some space. I've missed the kids and the animals but not him.

I've known for a long time I should leave, but haven't previously been in a position to.

Now I can leave, I can make it work.

I'm also aware that if I don't get this sorted now, and my 80 year old Mum dies, he'll have half of my inheritance and that will seriously impact my future finances. I'm self employed and have no pension.

But I keep pushing it down, because I don't want to disrupt my kids lives.

What I'd really like is to move to the seaside as soon as my dd goes to uni In 2 years. I have a lovely bunch of friends there, but my kids have no roots, so I would see them much less.

My 80 year old Mum also would be a long way away - we have a complicated relationship and I am the only one she has.

Does anyone relate and what do you advise?

In my experience - if it's dead, it's dead: Don't think you can ever get the good feelings back. I was in a loveless marriage to wife with serious drink problems for years, stayed unhappily for too long because of the kids and the feeling of obligation. I wish I'd left sooner, the kids would have been old enough to understand and we would both have had a better chance of moving on.
If you stay, feeling as you do, I'd be surprised if the bitterness and frustration didn't just grow and become problems in themselves.
Sounds like you've got a few of your ducks in a row, distance in any relationship (whether it's a lover, mother, kids) can be worked around, planned around.
Time to put yourself first.

I think you should do it now. And not wait for the 2 years. Your children is not young anymore. And it might be a relief to have some break from his temper even if only 50% of the time. There is never a good time where children are concerned. Next thing it will be 1st year stress and so on. The only thing I would say is maybe don’t move too far so it is easy for the children to see you both. And then you can take time to think if you want to move so far once things are settled.

21 years? What a total and complete waste

My parents were always fighting and arguing. They lived at a time and place, and income level, where divorce wasn't an option.

Childhood was grim. As soon as I could I moved out, and only ever after went back for day visits, 4 times a year at most.

Your child's life is already being disrupted by the fighting and temper. Don't you think she might deserve a bit of calm family life before her childhood is over?

Oh, and the inheritance. Please do what you have to to protect that for you and your child.

I’m sorry but you need to leave, it won’t get better. I left when my daughter was in second year at uni and son was about to do exams, they are both fine and said I should’ve done it years ago. He wasn’t as bad as your husband but just generally grumpy and boring, kids say he doesn’t like us even now. You only have one life and that is no life for any of you

Just go. The kids will be better off not living on tenterhooks too.

Go now, I waited and I regret it. The feeling of freedom is fantastic!

You invested 21 years already. He HAD plenty time to sort his behaviour out. I would be very suspicious of this 2 year timeline of his.
life is too short to have such a toxic drain in it. You never know what’s round the corner and every day is a gift so don’t waste any more of it on him.

Your DD will be fine if you do it now. He's using her as a way to keep you in place.

You're children will be fine. As the daughter of parents who should of split much much earlier its far better for them to do it now. Clearly he has had years and chances beyond chances. Your children know you have tried your hardest.

Its your life and you deserve some happiness.

I left my DH in January. We have Dd1 - 17, Dd2- 14 and DS11. I have been very lucky that despite DH not wanting to split things have been very amicable and we have manged to stay in the same house for the last 7 months, with potential plans to continue for another 2 years - these plans are not set in stone though and both of us know we may have to change this plan.

Financially its just not viable for either of us to move out or for us to sell up right now, 2 years should make a huge difference to that situation. Plus DD1 will do a levels next year and DD2 GCSE's the year after but then we will have a 2 year break before any more major exams.

The kids have all been amazing, they understand the situation that we aren't together and will live separate at some point in the future.

DD1 is very much closer to me and constantly tells me that she is sad I was unhappy and is happy now/proud of me for making the decision.

DD2 is very much closer to her dad, we clash lots and I don't always think she likes me. However her reaction has been unexpected she says she is obviously sad but that if she got to be an adult and realised I'd lived in an unhappy relationship she would be really cross with me!

I seriously couldn't be prouder of the way they have reacted.

I'm also pleased that DH and I are much calmer at home and nicer to each other now we are separated which can only be a good thing for the kids