The birth and death of my marriage

[Ellliebelle]

A thread inspired by @SpeccyDoodler I read her thread and went to leave a reply. I quickly decided what I had written (below) was clearly far too long for a reply, but putting it all out there in words has felt therapeutic so decided to put it into my own thread. I'm not really asking for advice so feel free to not read any further or to read all my story but not comment. I wont take offence

I left DH in January.

March would have been our 17th wedding anniversary and we had been together just 14 months before that.

I was 19 when we met and he was 26. I think I had my own unresolved traumas and needed to be loved and taken care of and at that time he met those needs. Also being 19 I think I probably thought he was really cool and grown up. I ended up pregnant within 3 months of us meeting but we both decided we wanted a baby and to make a go of things. Looking back I think we both must have had so many red flags! He would go out drinking quite often and I would fly into jealous possessive rages. I can't quite work out which one of was in the wrong. I stayed because despite this I did feel loved and cared for. Financially we were a mess but he took a 2nd job the minute he found out I was pregnant and he "stopped" smoking too - this has been the cause if many arguments over the last 18 years as every now and then he'd have a moment of weakness, but lie about it and I'd be pissed off.

Drinking has also been a bone of contention. So many times in our early years together we would go out, he'd get what I considered was too drunk and we'd fall out. A lot of these occasions I was either pregnant or breastfeeding so had no choice but to be sober. Drinking has also caused him to wet the bed probably about 7 times in the time we've been together. And when DS1 was about 8 weeks old DH went out drinking with his male cousin. They both came back to ours and ended up in the sofa bed together. I do t really know what was going on or what would have happened if I hadn't gone up put the lights on and did they had disturbed me and the baby. (This incident was probably a huge nail in the coffin to be fair, I don't think I ever got Iver it and we have never really had a proper conversation about it. I've brought it uslp a couple if times and he's always just brushed it off saying he didn't really remember getting home etc)

I suffered with PND after DD1 and maybe didn't feel overly supported by him, looking back I did the lions share of housework and mental load but he did work full time and was a pretty hands on dad. Things were never terrible and we went on to have DD2.

This time the PND hit me harder. I think this combined with exhaustion had a massive effect on my libido and our sex life suffered. It never really bothered me but was a huge issue for him. So many arguments between DD2 being born (15 years ago) and about 5 years ago were about sex. He would try I would say no, he would be moody, I'd try to explain that I didn't know why I didn't want sex and wished I did want it and couldn't help it. He never really understood and our sex life never got better (since I've left I've had chance to reflect on this and really think his attitude and behaviour to how I was feeling sexually caused our sex life to completely die). We did continue to have sex for a few years and ended up pregnant completely by accident - I was on the pill.

DS1 was born almost 12 years ago and we had sex infrequently until he was probably 5 or 6 but nothing since. We continued to hug and kiss and be affectionate in other ways - this wasn't always consistent

From a year into our relationship until DS was 6/7 I had always done jobs that worked around the family. DH worked full time and progressed in his career - some of this was through me encouraging him to do so. I was a childminder then worked as a TA in a school then a HLTA don't get me wrong. Doing these jobs wasn't just so DH could progress they also benefitted me in that I could dedicate the time I wanted to to the children when they were small. I then decided I needed more I went to uni and studied a BA and then an Mcs alongside working in the school, DH supported me and took over childcare duties on nights I had to study. I graduated in 2020 and have started a carer that I absolutely love and have been there 3 years now.

I really think my journey over the last 5/6 years has made me grow as a person, realise who I am and what I need from a relationship and realise that DH and I are totally different people who no longer make each other happy, don't meet each others needs and are very very different people.

Now to finally answer your question.

The last straw was me catching DH vaping in the downstairs toilet and then him trying to deny it!

He then thought it was pathetic that I was leaving him over vaping!!!

He couldnt comprehend that little lies and secrecies over the last 17 years have worn me down or that i felt so unloved and uncared for because he makes dinner and makes me a coffee on a morning...what else could i possibly want. Again maybe this isnt all his fault its just that his live language isnt compatible with my needs. I genuinly do not blame hims i know our marriage ended because of bothbof us

I probably should have left years ago. But like so many have said what is "bad enough, what reason do i have to leave". When you gave someone who you do have good times with sometimes, you can have a laugh and fun. Who does probably more than their share of jobs around the house and childcare. I asked myself over and over how can i justify leaving. What will people think of me? Is it super selfish of me to make my kids suffer divorce.

But in reality i decided I've listened to too many lies from him - he doesn't respect me and I do t think he really loves me (despite what he thinks) I also knew that he was likely just as unhappy as I was and as much as I no longer wanted to be with him I also want him to be happy and he deserves to find someone that makes him happy. He isn't a bad man, I don't regret my life with him. But enough was enough

Thanks for sharing OP. I think writing can be cathartic and help you process things. It sounds like there have been many things large and small over the years leading to this point. Take care.

Thanks for writing OP. Glad it has felt cathartic for you. There is much that I identify with in your post and I wish you all be best

I had to re read your post as it is so similar to the situation I find myself in. Been together 20 years, married for 16. I told my husband I wanted to separate last week. He’s taken it hard, I feel bad as I know I’m hurting his feelings but I’ve had so many conversations with him over the last 10 years about our relationship. I checked out mentally and physically years ago. He’s accused me of not even wanting to try, and I’ve said that I’ve been ‘trying’ for years to no avail. What does he think is going to change now?

I wonder if I’m making a mistake as he’s not a bad man, not abusive or unkind, I’m just not in love with him anymore and years of pent up resentment of being left to deal with the kids while he went away for years with work has ground me down.

I studied, retrained, and have a wonderful job which I’ve been in for the last 8 years now which has given me the financial freedom I craved. But it’s also given me the freedom to not stay in a loveless marriage which I’ve chosen to leave.

I’m sad my marriage is ending, and I hate hurting my husband like this but he also deserves to be with someone who values him as a partner in a way that makes him feel good. Not just stay with me as a friend for the rest of his life because it’s easier for him. He doesn’t see it like that at the moment but I hope one day he will.

good luck, in whatever you choose to do.

I can complete relate to your post.
I'm still with my husband at the moment but I'm planning to discuss separation with him soon.
As you said there's not necessarily been big things over the years but it's hundreds maybe thousands of little things- all the times he's shown little interest in me and the children, when he's gone out drinking again to then spend pretty much every weekend laid out on the sofa with a hangover, missed family events/days out with the children etc because he'd rather lay on that damn sofa, gives no help around the house/garden except some cooking (which he likes), only friendly/nice to me when he wants sex, if he doesn't get sex he sulks like a child... the list could go on!
I don't think there's any coming back from it. I can't love/respect a mam like that and I'm so unhappy. Unfortunately I am financially dependent as I have 2 disabled children so I had to give up my career years ago to support them but despite that I will work it out- I've got to, for my future happiness!

So sorry you are both going through similar situations @Xmasangel1505 and @Fedup45
@Xmasangel1505 I can totally relate. I feel so bad for DH. I really just want hom to meet someone and realise there is more to life than what we had. We also have had many conversations over the years about our relationship. We had counselling about 7 years ago and that was helpful it identified issues with our communication and we both worked on that. I feel like over the years I've put lots of effort into trying to "fix" us but haven't really seen that effort mirrored in him.

Ive spoken to the GP about low sex drive, ive spoken to a therapist about it, spent hours trawling the internet.

ive arranged weekends away/nights out

suggested regular date nights - just cooking together/playing board games/lustening to music. All just fizzled out due to what i feel was him not putting any effort in

back in october i suggested more councelling he said he didnt think it would be helpful!

I could have stayed longer but the resentment would have festered and thankfully things right now are very amicable meaning we are able to do the best for our children and co-parent pretty well

@Fedup45 I don't think I ever really thought about the financial dependence thing! I certainly earn a lot more now than when the children were small. Unfortunately we have a lot of joint debt which combined with crazy high rent prices means we are still living in the same property. We have lived here 16 years but bought the house 2 years ago so not enough equity to sell and both buy something else.

Thankfully there is enough space for us to both have our own rooms and separate social/chilling room. And we have very clear boundaries around household chores and childcare duties so it's not going too terribly right now.

I think another deciding factor for me was the threat of redundancy in December. I was absolutally gutted and very quickly realised that I was so much happier in work than at home and that that really needed to change