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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Please offer some advice😬🥺

19 replies

Pjrxoxo · 05/08/2024 01:10

I’ve been seeing someone for around 3 months and I really like him, however he said from the start he didn’t want a relationship and we’ll see where things go with us. I don’t think either of us were expecting us to click as much as we did when we first met because it very quickly turned into spending all our free time together. About 2 months into seeing each other I gave him a key to my house as he only works round the corner and sometimes if we’re planning on seeing each other and I’m a bit further from home than he is he can just let himself in. I fully trust him in my home alone and around my belongings so that isn’t the issue but just to draw a picture of how quickly things escalated between us. We started arguing in person and on text recently and I came to the conclusion that we were spending too much time together and that we should have a break as we still barely know each other. At first he really wasn’t open to the idea as he “loves spending time with me” however he randomly changed his mind the morning after I mentioned the break. We didn’t see each other for 3/4 days which is the longest we’ve ever gone without seeing each other the full time we’ve been seeing each other. I was really upset during the break and missed him. Shortly into the break, I suggested calling the whole thing off as I realised I was wasting my time and he was fine with it which shocked me because if I’d ever mentioned us stopping seeing each other previously, he’d act upset. On the 4th day I messaged him to ask if he was definitely done with the situation of us seeing each other just for clarity and so I could try to forget about him, he replied saying he wasn’t 100% done and if I wanted to try again we could. Since that day we’ve seen each other every single day/night again and the arguments are starting to happen again. He’s again since our “break” reiterated that he still doesn’t want a relationship and he’s happy with how things are going. He is starting a new job next week where he’s going to be away Monday- Friday at a time and only home on weekends and I’m worried how I’ll cope so just wondering if it’s best to completely end things now before it gets worse. I feel like it’ll hit me like a ton of bricks if I carry on seeing him as much as I am and he suddenly is away for 5 days at a time. I also don’t think it’s him I’ll miss, I think I’ll miss the company. I came out of a relationship in December 2023, 4 months after giving birth to my daughter, and I feel I’d only just really started getting over my ex properly when I start seeing this new man, I’m afraid I’ve got so used to the company and If I stop seeing him I’ll be come depressed and lonely again which is the last thing I want as I need to be happy and strong for my children. (Also got an older son who has just turned 2)I want a relationship and he’s known this from the start but I was hoping I’d get to change his mind after he got to know me better. I worry I’m prohibiting myself from finding a proper partner who wants a future with me and not just someone who wants to stay at my house every night. I know intimacy probably comes into mind and that he’s just using me however we are rarely intimate. I feel completely comfortable around him and I do tell people I have a boyfriend if they ask, I’m staying loyal to him but I know im wasting my time by doing so when he doesn’t want anything from me. I’m confused because whenever I go to leave the room he immediately questions where I’m going or asks who I’m texting if I go on my phone. He also rarely wants to go out in public and do anything with me and if he ever agrees to it, it’s a chore to get him to come and the whole time we’re out he looks like he just doesn’t want to be there and wants to go home. If I ever approach it he says he’s just tired as he’s been at work but he always goes out with friends and never has any issues. Any advice please???

OP posts:
pubertyalloveragain · 05/08/2024 01:26

He has clearly and repeatedly said he doesn't want a relationship believe him. It is not code, he is not confused. He is being very clear.

It doesn't sound like any fun, what's to like about him.

Quietly quit before you get hurt, because 100 percent you will.

Sorry :( it's written in the stars with this one.

pubertyalloveragain · 05/08/2024 01:34

And please don't explain yourself or try to justify calling it off. Just say it's not what you want and best wishes, nothing else.

Isometimeswonder · 05/08/2024 01:35

Try being on your own. And please tell me he hasn't met your children?

Aquamarine1029 · 05/08/2024 01:36

He's told you the way it is from the beginning and you've chosen not to listen. It's also concerning how you've let this man into your children's lives when you barely know him. Where do they factor into all of this? You gave him a key to your home? That's just crazy. You really need to work on your boundaries.

Orchidacea · 05/08/2024 01:39

You've asked for advice, OP.

I would offer two levels of advice here - on the immediate level, end the relationship you're in now. It's already unstable and troubling for you.
The second level of advice is to develop more constructive ways to manage situations in your life going forward. Whether that's by reading, counseling, talking to trusted people - it sounds to me like that is what's needed.
Sending good wishes.

PaminaMozart · 05/08/2024 01:43

This is so many kinds of wrong...
Where are your boundaries?
It's less than a year since you gave birth.
You have 2 tiny children...
And you gave this guy whom you barely know a key?
Please work on growing up.
And don't date until you've figured out what you actually want to do with your life.

CattyHebblethwaite · 05/08/2024 01:51

So many red flags.

Get your key back and change the locks.

End whatever this non-relationship is.

Work on yourself.

CyanOtter · 05/08/2024 02:20

You are wasting your time! He told you repeatedly that he doesn't want a relationship and what he says aligns with the facts (going out with friends but too tired to go out with you, behaves like going out with you is a chore...). He does not want any commitment, while you do. You are incompatible and this is an extremely unhealthy dynamic.
Leave him before you get more attached and end up getting hurt.

MonsteraMama · 05/08/2024 02:21

Did you seriously give a man you don't know a key to your house when you have two little children, one of them a daughter? Seriously? Fuck me.

Sinderalla · 05/08/2024 02:28

An old friend of mine with 4 kids done this, got into a relationship with a younger man that didn't want a relationship.
Fast forward 6 months, it all ended, but not before she seen him every night, gave him a key, introduced him to the kids, took no advice from her friends What so ever.
He just wanted somewhere to crash!

CheeseWisely · 05/08/2024 05:26

My advice would be to sack him, and all other Men for the time being, and get your bloody key back!

You've got two babies who need you, and who do not need a parade of strangers coming in and out of their lives and their home. Concentrate on them for goodness sake.

Lastly, using paragraphs couldn't hurt.

cupcaske123 · 05/08/2024 06:50

You sound lonely and desperate for company so you're overriding your intuition and letting this man into your life.

You barely know him and have given him a key and are spending all your time with him. He has said that he doesn't want a relationship, so I would take him at his word and end the relationship. You need to block him on your phone and social media.

DatingDinosaur · 05/08/2024 06:56

This man is using you and controlling you and you're allowing this because you like him and the status of 'being in a relationship'.

Your instincts know this and it seems like you're asking on here for MN to tell you your instincts are wrong.

This is so unhealthy.

AgentJohnson · 05/08/2024 07:09

Try reading back what you’ve written from the prospective that a close friend had written it, what would you honestly think?

Woman with two kids under two has ‘hook ups’ with a man who repeatedly has said he doesn’t want a relationship. I say hook ups because this man doesn’t want a relationship, doesn’t want to do anything outside of her home with her but appears happy to do outside things without her. Oh and she gave this man A KEY to her house after knowing him for just EIGHT weeks because she trusts him.

OP I don’t know what has driven this desperate and reckless behaviour but you really do need to work on yourself, preferably without this chancer in your life.

Snacksgalore · 05/08/2024 07:16

He doesn’t want a relationship with you. He is clear that he is just using you for sex. You want a relationship with him which makes this arrangement not OK. You need to end it now before he finds someone he wants to date amd dumps you.

I’m also concerns that you have 2 babies that this man has access too. This is a major red flag.

Seaoftroubles · 05/08/2024 07:32

OP l am incredulous that you gave him the key to your house after just a few weeks when you have 2 very young children. What on earth were you thinking, you barely knew him?
He doesn't want a relationship, he is using you and you are enabling him.Your boundaries are non existent, please raise your bar for the sake of yourself and your children. End things now and work on yourself and on building your self esteem.

Bestyearever2024 · 05/08/2024 07:42

Take the key back

Get rid of the man

He does not want what you want

aCatCalledFawkes · 05/08/2024 07:43

Omg This sounds like such hardwork for the three months you have been seeing in each in which he’s still insisting is not a relationship.

  1. you have not long had a baby and you seem to of entered in to the chaotic situation at a time you need stability and consistency.
  2. your worried about how you will cope when he working Monday to Friday which makes it sound like you are dependant on him.
  3. You calling him your boyfriend to your family and friends even though you know that isn’t what he’s said he wants.
  4. he’s got a key to your house and yet has the cheek to ask where your going who your texting in your house.
  5. your not intimate often.
  6. he doesn’t want to go out with you in public often.

Sounds absolutely charming to me! I would get rid of him asap!

SamW98 · 05/08/2024 08:17

So you gave birth less than a year ago, split with your children’s father in December, men this man a few months later and gave him a key to your home after a few weeks. Presumably you introduced him into your children’s lives very quickly despite him telling you repeatedly loud and clear that he doesn’t want a relationship with you. And despite you having two babies, you see him every day and are now worried you’ll only see him at weekends?

FFS - are you do desperate to have a man that you are so reckless with your behaviour?

Stop prioritising dick over your children, put your babies first and stop chasing idiotic fucking men.

Your babies are only very young, they need you to be their security blanket and you’re dragging random blokes into their safe space? Seriously I despair of some women who literally can’t be without a bloke for 5 minutes.

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