How do I ask for money towards the holiday?

[starsalignedforyou]

Stuck on what to do here and need some Mumsnet wisdom!

Have been seeing a guy for around a year but the last 4/5 months it's become exclusive and serious.

We've enjoyed a few lovely weekends away, we are both keen campers so the last camping trips have been very cheap and because he's driven I've often covered the pitch fees/food for camp and often snacks etc when we are out exploring the places we have visited.

We have just come back from a weekend away where we decided to stay in actual accommodation, a cute but not too expensive place with all the facilities and none of the packing needed with camping. We agreed to split the cost of the accommodation and I drove us (approx 4 hour round trip all tolled)

Whilst there he paid for dinner and lunch, (nothing extravagant as I don't eat big meals) and I covered a few drinks and coffees in pubs and cafes along the route along with parking etc...

He mentioned on the drive up he needed to send me his half of the money for the accommodation but nothing has happened since...

He's not poor, earns well (we both earn similar but he has significantly lower outgoings than me, which I don't have an issue with) but I don't know how to ask for this money and it's grating on me knowing I have to.

On the spectrum of tightness I would say he leans to being a bit tight and he would admit to this, and it's often something we poke fun at him for... but equally he does know my situation with money (single mum, have recently had to fork out on a new boiler unexpectedly)...

How do I approach this? I know if I leave it I'm going to be annoyed...

I would give him a chance if you are only just home.

Can’t you just message him saying hey you mentioned popping me your share of the accommodation- just letting you know its £xx

You say

'Thanks for a lovely weekend. Let's do it again sometime. Don't forget to send me x for accommodation'

If he doesn't send it, remind him two days later and then every 24 hours until he pays you and then you dump him.

I joke. I know it's awkward but it may have slipped his mind and you need it to be covered.

I'm sure you've thought of this already but how about "hey, great weekend! Here's my PayPal/bank details" plus the cost of he doesn't know already. It's forward and to the point but I think that's necessary with people that are/lean towards tight which is massively unattractive btw but you didn't ask about that

Just send a message 'hey, don't forget to transfer your half of the accommodation. It's £X. I have bills coming up so will need it sooner rather than later, thanks'.

I'd be very careful going ahead as you'll always be pushing for fairness & he'll always try to get out of paying.

“Hey Sam, would you mind popping through your share of the accommodation costs by Friday? It’s been an expensive month with that boiler going so I am starting to get a bit tight on cashflow. Thanks!”

Why do you feel this would be an issue to bring up?

He may genuinely have forgotten. Just text him asking to please transfer the money and to message you once he’s done it so you can check it reached your bank account.

Why do you feel this would be an issue to bring up?

This is what I was wondering. Communication is key in relationships and especially considering you’ve been seeing for a year you should be able to speak freely with him.

Text him about it sooner rather than later. Tightness isn’t a good quality in a prospective partner.

Also sounds like he got the better deal and got off lightly with the cost of camping too.

Thanks all, I will wait until tomorrow as he's probably asleep now and I'll mention it. I am strange with money conversations generally, with everyone and genuinely hate owing anyone money or feeling I haven't paid my fair share so I struggle with people who aren't the same and don't know how to approach it.

And yes @ISeeTrees tightness isn't an attractive quality at all, and one I really need to consider whether I can put up with long term and it has been a flag for me before now with him...

How have you paid each other in the past? Cash or bank transfer? Does he even have you bank details? I agree with a poster above, something along these lines:

'I really enjoyed the trip to X, I've been looking up places for us to go away again soon. I don't think you have my bank details for half of the accommodation which came to £AB, its BSB1224, Account 0987, looking forward to seeing you this weekend x'

I don't disagree with you at all...

He's been single a long while following the breakdown of his marriage and I do wonder if he's forgotten what chivalry looks like. I have seen a lot of improvements in areas, he's more attentive and responsive to my needs than he was than when we were more casual... but I also think there's some way to go with some of it.

That is a good way of asking for the money.

He does have my bank details as he paid me for some tickets for an event we went to a while ago, I did have to give him a nudge and he sent it.

I just didn't know if because he covered dinner and lunch this weekend whether he felt that was his bit done, but it wouldn't have been the same amount as the accommodation, plus I paid for fuel, parking and other bits along the way,...

@starsalignedforyou i dated someone for a year who was also pretty tight with money. Also happened to like camping 🤣. He had no kids but not once did he ever offer to say pay for a meal as a treat or something. Totally happy to do the 50:50 thing most of the time but being treated the odd time would have been nice….

Just text, hey did you say you transferred me your half of the accommodation as its not coming up on my banking app.

It is nice to be treated now and again right?!
Was this a factor in you both breaking up? Assuming you have from reading your post, apologies if I've misunderstood x

I agree the way suggested here is right. A straightforward “it’s this much, here’s my bank details”. He said he’d cover half so that’s what he should do.
I earn quite well and I’ve been guilty in the past of not being prompt about paying my share of things - I don’t notice or particularly mind it people don’t pay me back straight away so I have been slack about it in reverse. I’ve realised now it’s rude and am fine now but I used to be a slow payer - not at all cos I’m tight but because it didn’t matter to me and I didn’t quite clock that that was arrogant. Not that it helps particularly but just giving another possible perspective on why he might be slow paying. In my mind anywhere up to a few weeks afterwards would have been perfectly fine.

I think in future before you go away you decide on a kitty for fuel,parking, meals, place to stay and both of you put in x amount or you cover 1 big thing n he covers the other. Then if cash is left over in then kitty you either split it equally or use it towards next break away

He recently moved away for work so that’s why we split up but the penny pinching never sat right with me. Someone on here quoted something like tight with money, tight with your heart and I believe the two do equate with each other. It’s a lack of generosity of the spirit.

I like this one...

I think it's quite a significant red flag that you don't know how to ask someone for money that you've been in a relationship with for a year. How do you think he will react?

Just ask him to transfer it.

What exactly are you worried about?

I do wonder if he's forgotten what chivalry looks like

Paying his own way isn’t chivalry, it’s basic adult responsibility.