Doubting my decision to end the marriage

[Nich407]

Urgh, where do I begin, me and my husband have been together for 7 years married 2, we have 3 children, my eldest from a previous relationship. We’ve had issues from about 2 years on with finances and me completely carrying the mental load of everything. My husband began his own business over a year ago which is tied in with his family business, this where I found our problems began to surface even more, he work’s ridiculous hours not getting home till children are basically in bed, and he’s exhausted to help with anything else i.e cleaning. He’s a great father at times but i feel he’s rarely present, and financially we’re in the worst positions of our lives. I’ve been begging him to change jobs due to these two issues and understand he wants his business to prosper but it’s just not working for our family. He refuses to find something else, but does try to avoid working away and long hours. However, I feel very resentful and bitter towards him which i’ve been trying to work out through therapy but it’s just not working. In the end i called the marriage quits as nothing was changing, i could see where he was trying to compromise but it just not practical, I didn’t sign up to basically being on my own with my 3 young children and feel so sad that my needs aren’t being met in the relationship. the problem is we very much love each other, we laugh together and have a lot in common. He asked me if he could stay for 3 months untill he can afford a flat which i agreed to, it’s very early days none of his family know neither do our children, but im scared i’m going to regret my decision I love him i really do, but i feel so miserable, i feel like i’m putting a lot of pressure on him which feels unfair but I can’t keep feeling like I can rely on someone who has let me down endlessly. I’ve said i’m happy to attend counselling together whether that be to sort our marriage out or to learn how to co-parent. I’m basically second guessing myself and my decision, I don’t want to split the family up but i’m aware what my children are whitnessing a burnt out mom who basically does everything. I could go on forever but if anyone has any advice that would be great.

Given you say you love each other very much, have a laugh together and have a lot in common, it does sound a bit soon to call an end to your marriage if you’ve got 3 children - 2 born within the last 7 years (and presumably more recently) - and these problems only started 2 years ago. It does seem to me that you’re treating the commitment of marriage and children a bit casually.

Perhaps if you were a single mother to your first child for a long time, you’re just very used to the single mother routine and not actually used to parenting within a couple. Sorry if I’ve got that completely wrong.

You don’t mention whether you work. If he’s the sole earner, then it’s a lot of pressure on him to provide. Even if you’re working too: I think most couples of young children are focussed mainly on the children and then work commitments. Yes, you can make a bit of time for each other but you really only start to get more of that once DCs are a bit older and don’t need to be closely watched 24/7 the way very small children do. I don’t know you or him, obviously, and perhaps if you were before me, I could see why ending the marriage was the only solution but based on what you’ve said, it really seems too soon, too casual and too careless just to end the marriage. Based on your description, there’s a lot of good in your relationship and I think you owe it to your DH and your DCs (as well as yourself) to try a bit harder to keep the marriage together. Couples counselling sounds like a good start.

But if you split you will very much be a single mother? If you do love each other then perhaps it's best to navigate your way through this difficult time? Divorce is hard, painful and children can suffer. I'd think twice.

I agree with the previous posters.

Thankyou for your comments, our youngest is 1 so very young. I just feel very unfulfilled in our marriage, this could be due to the strain of having young children but also not feeling very heard. I find parenting so tough at times and find myself resenting him from being away from home so much. I’m currently studying a Msc at the moment, i was offered a well paid role but would of had to be full-time, we would have had to put little one in nursery it would of wiped us out and my partner didn’t want to cut down his hours to work around it. I don’t want to jump the gun but I just feel very unsupported around the home and parenting, I’ve endlessly tried to talk to him but have been met with anger and avoidance, I’ve been told to stop nagging that this i’m boring, alongside many other comments. I suppose i’m feeling very sad and indecisive not knowing what’s best for my children and myself. Since I said I can’t do this anymore he has said he wants to try but I doubt things are going to change, we separated in January for a few weeks but things have gradually fallen back into the same pattern.

How much if the week will he have your children if you separate?

You’ll get a heap of help with childcare on universal credits even if you have a partner - you say he’s quite low paid so you should have considered that job

@Quitelikeit 1 day/night on the weekend and for a few hours in the week depending if he’s working away or what time he finishes work.

Love is the crux of it and if you love each other I wouldn’t split. I also wouldn’t make any life changing decisions with a one year old. Your beyond knackered, it’s a tough time.

What if he’s working his bollox off to make a go of the business and in three years time can work less hours, earn better money and have a better work life balance.

@Quitelikeit i’ve encouraged him to do this but he refuses as we tried previously and he said it was to much hassle as he is self-employed and they kept wanting him to attend appointments.

@Moveoverdarlin that’s exactly what he’s said, and I really admire it I do, my concern is that i’m going to be so full of resentment and bitterness I won’t be able to make it that long. I really believe we’re in the trenches of parenthood right now things are tough and I would like him to be by my side as a team rather than an on my own😩 maybe this is a me issue i’m trying to work through

@Nich407 - he is bringing in the only income. By doing this, he is allowing you to study when you’re not parenting. You say upthread that he tries to be home as much as he can. You could have taken the high paying role, even if you only broke even on the basis your costs would go down once free childcare and schooling kicked in and you would be well positioned in your earning potential. That’s what I did. That’s what a lot of mothers do. But presumably studying will open up even better opportunities once you’re able to work. He’s supporting you in this.

So I think it’s a bit unreasonable to be so resentful. You’ve got 2 small children together; you are in the trenches. It will get easier when they’re older - you know this because you have an older child.

However, you seem determined to split because “your needs aren’t being met” despite pretty much every poster telling you that this doesn’t seem like the best decision if the relationship is a good one. A father looking to leave his wife when they have tiny children because his needs are not being met would not be applauded. How are your needs going to be met any better outside the marriage? I really do think this is somewhat of a ‘you’ issue.

As I mentioned above, we don’t know you or your DH. We don’t know how involved the father of your eldest child is or whether you were mainly a single mother before you met and married your current DH. I could be completely wrong but it does make me wonder whether your expectations of parenting tiny children in a couple may be unrealistic. Most parents of tiny children whom I know and have known (and the same went for us) were somewhat like ships in the night in the early years.

Since we don’t know you, we don’t know whether or not splitting really is best or unavoidable. But given what you say about the relationship with him and given you have such tiny children, and given he is the sole earner and supporting you in your studies, I still think you should give the marriage more of a chance. You owe that to your DCs. It just sounds too soon and a bit irresponsible and unreasonable to give up.

Building and growing a business is hard work, especially if to provide financially for the whole family as the only one working. Your Msc will also be hard work, and having the family.

I'm currently running my full time business, which only now is paying off, as well as a 4 year degree in healthcare (now also almost finished). Not going to lie, it's been horrific and testing. My husband has taken on everything. A big ask as he's also working full time, but we knew it would always be temporary. I've already supported his career change and studying, so this is my turn I guess.

If you feel you're done, then you're done. Thats ok, it's how you feel. Personally, if my husband was complaining his needs weren't being met whilst I was trying to make our future better, then I'd probably call time on my marriage.

He’s being selfish by continuing to put a business that doesn’t pay over his family. If he wanted to work on your marriage he would get a different job

OK so you're going to be alone with 3 children anyway if he is finding a small flat and can't have them over 50/50.

Finances will be worse as he'll have to pay rent then you'll lose your home when the divorce goes through and have a smaller place.

I mean all because he works long hours.

You see what most people fail to do is realise nothing is perfect and truly accept it and be at peace with it.

If you were to want to leave them what would your alternative reality truly be? Would it truly be better, would it truly make you happier or are you just HOPING it’d be better?

That is your issue. You are hoping it’ll be better versus being confident it’ll be better.

You might end up financially stuffed and also working jobs that you wouldn’t have had to. Is this really the alternative you want? Hopefully others can learn to evaluate their alternatives better before they throw themselves in a worse situation.

How are your needs going to be met when you end it? You'll be alone with 3 kids anyway with less money. Your MSC will take time to lead to better jobs. Will someone else want to take on a woman with 3 kids and 2 exes/ fathers around? I doubt it.

Life won't always be like this, the business will settle down, the kids will grow and become less dependant. But if you want to end it go ahead.

But if you split up, you'd be doing all the parenting as it doesn't sound like he could have the children much?

My DH runs his own business. It's successful though I've always earned more than him. For a few years, when we had our first child, he was literally bringing a couple of hundred a month and I was on maternity leave. Luckily we had savings to fall back on.

The sensible thing at that point would have been for him to find a job and give up on the business (though that would have affected his business partner). And to be fair, he thought about it and came up with some ideas as to what he could do instead. But I never considered splitting up.

I went back to work after 4 months, though part time as I wanted to spend time with my child. And a family member volunteered to care for our child while I was at work. We got through it and eventually his business brought in a decent income.

I think you are panicking to be honest and ought to give him the chance to get his business going.

Businesses take years before they start earning. OP could quit her studies and work.

@Polarnight Thankyou for your response, I have said on numerous occasions now in this post how unhelpful my husband is around the home and the mental load is also completely on me. Businesses are tough but the timing wasn’t appropriate at all. I’d rather he’s presence around the family home, specially while the children are young than him to be working away or coming home 7/8 on the night. Like you said it soon flies by and the children will be older, there could have been opportunities for him to do this in a few more years but he has chosen not to. Obviously i am only giving a snippet of the actual situation as it would be to much to write. I think your comments are quite harsh and lack empathy. My Msc finishes in 4 months, he hasnt supported it at all financially, I had savings which i’ve used to keep the home running as i’m paying most of the bills, but thankyou for your comments.

@Nich407 - I think @Polarnight had nailed it but have note your update. Your DH has supported you in doing your MSc by being the sole earner. That’s what I meant when I referred to him supporting you.

I think it’s a huge mistake for you to end your marriage now. I think it’s self-indulgent and not in your DCs’ best interests.

Most posters seem to agree that it is not at all obvious why it would improve your situation.

But you seem determined to do it despite this. It’s your life and your marriage; you know things that we don’t and perhaps your decision would make more sense if we knew what you know.

You're leaving the marriage as your needs aren't being met.

How are they going to be met when you leave? With smaller home and less money. He can't have the children much so it's all on you.

You also made choices to do MSC with a baby. You could have waited too. But neither of you did.

I don't think pointing out the reality is harsh.

Leave. You've made your decision.

I’m massively over-invested here.

But, @Nich407, it may seem harsh but remember you opened this thread saying you doubted your decision to end your marriage.

The vast majority of posters agree that it really doesn’t seem a logical decision in the circumstances - meaning that you’re right to doubt the decision.

We’re being harsh because - based on what you’ve told us - you seem set on ending a loving marriage with tiny children for bad reasons. It’s irresponsible behaviour and -based on what you say about your relationship - you’re right to doubt yourself about it. Listen to your doubts. At least give things more time to settle down. This just really seems like a decision you’re going to regret if you go through with it now.

2 kids, one only a 1 yesr old, starting a business and a MSC all the same time. 4 months left on the msc so op has been doing it right through baby hood and before.

Doing all that at the same time. Neither of them willing to wait and OP is of the view he should have delayed his plans but she shouldn't.

No wonder problems have started. The baby or the msc or the business should have been delayed. But no one was prepared to wait for anything they wanted and now here they are.