Separation Sadness

[Jo453]

Hi,

I think my husband and I are about to separate after 15 years together.

I am ashamed to say that I had an affair which was discovered 18 months ago. It has been messy, painful, sad, frustrating. Working through it has been the most difficult thing we have been through individually and together.

Unfortunately I don’t think we are going to make it for many different reasons. We have 2 young children who are our whole world and I would like any advice from anyone who has been here before. Please be kind x

I haven't gone through a separation (yet) and unfortunately don't really have any advice to offer but hope you're doing as OK as you can be. Was the relationship unhappy before the affair? I'm assuming it can't have been great.
Did you try couples counselling?

Thank you for your reply. I wouldn’t say it was unhappy before hand, we managed to have some great times together and as a family. But, there was a lot of unresolved conflict/trauma and massive communication issues. When I type that out it seems it can’t have been happy? But I genuinely didn’t feel unhappy in my marriage at the time of my affair.

We have tried boatloads of couples counselling as well as individual counselling and EMDR therapy. We have come close to separation more times than I can count but always managed to pull through it.

Honestly it’s not through lack of trying but we are both desperate for peace now. The process is alien to us, I am petrified of damaging my kids (I know, I wish I had thought of this before I started my affair).

How am I meant to know if we are doing the right thing?

Can you swivel your counselling (or change counsellor) to now focus specifically on how to separate well? I know Relate offer that.