Keep putting foot in mouth.....

[Dinkiedoo]

The last few weeks I seem to be upsetting lots of people ! This is all unintentional but my hubs says maybe I should think before I say things.
I was with a friend the other day. Her husband is away in Maguluf. I said oooh my sister went there with friends but they not friends anymore as all her friends wanted was to get off with men. She went all quiet and I thought maybe he thought I was hinting that her husband was going there for same reason.
There's a number of things I've said recently and I've thought people have taken things the wrong way.
Am I over thinking /becoming paranoid ?

I am like you, say things and then worry I have offended people. You were not saying anything about her husband, you were just talking, and if she wants to take offence at that, well that is her issue.

I probably wouldn’t have mentioned the sex connection. I’m sure she’s well aware of Magaluf’s reputation and isn’t too happy he’s gone there, whatever she’s telling you.

It wasn't intentional just telling her about it

My mum's like that example. Just makes a connection with what's been said and blurts it out without considering whether it's really relevant or whether it might imply anything/ affect someone's feelings. If I'm honest the implicature could've been that thats why people go to Magaluf, I'd have found it also a bit overshare-tastic.

I think if this keeps happening it might be an idea to not change who you are, but to examine your conversational style a bit. Are you always at pains to reply with an anecdote or opinion of your own? Maybe buy a bit of thinking space by asking a question first instead.

Tbf, a lot if people have that aim in Maguluf. It's all tacky flashing lights, reminds me of Blackpool with better weather ( now that's a raucus place for a night out too). It could have been foreseen that being reminded of its reputation would possibly bring feelings to the fore, but she already had those worries so it's not you she'll be upset with.
Wouldn't hurt to think more before engaging mouth though if it keeps happening.

This. Small talk exists for a reason, it’s fine to just say “oh, how lovely/interesting/terrible” and leave some breathing space!

This. Small talk exists for a reason, it’s fine to just say “oh, how lovely/interesting/terrible” and leave some breathing space

This is all unintentional but my hubs says maybe I should think before I say things

I think he should have your back, rather than putting other people's sensitivities down to your faults.

The example you gave... you said nothing about the woman's husband. You were talking about a bunch of women you knew. Why do you think that her going quiet means you did something wrong? Maybe she's considered for herself that people go to Magaluf for those reasons, and she's uncomfortable about it, but that's not your foot/mouth, is it? She doesn't trust her husband.

Is your hubs usually Mr Supportive-Always-On-Your-Side?

my hubs says maybe I should think before I say things
Not massively useful in the way of advice, is it? Looks a lot more like criticism to me. What prompted him to say it? Were you being self-critical?
If your dh took his own advice and thought before saying things, perhaps he might have said "I'm sure it'll be OK, you're overthinking" to comfort his loved one. Or "Oh no! I hate it when I put my foot in it!" in sympathy.

Next time, if you realise fast enough, I'd recommend saying something like this immediately:
"Oh no! That sounded like I was saying your dh would do that! I'm so sorry! I didn't mean that at all. Now I'm really embarrassed!"

But it didn't sound like that. It sounded like she was talking about what she was talking about.

You can't apologise for people reading their issues into your words.

I mean if OP thinks that it sounds like something else and feels embarrassed, - which she just told us was the case - then it might help OP to get it out in the open, so that her friend can reassure her she's fine, or she can clear the air if her friend really did misunderstand.

I mean if OP thinks that it sounds like something else and feels embarrassed, - which she just told us was the case

No she didn't. She said people keep taking things the wrong way, not that she's saying them the wrong way. Her 'hubs' is the one who has suggested she change the way she speaks.

Quote from OP - my bold:
"She went all quiet and I thought maybe he thought I was hinting that her husband was going there for same reason.
There's a number of things I've said recently and I've thought people have taken things the wrong way. "

As I said, my advice is in case she thinks this again.

Well no, it sounds like there have been several examples. Whilst the OP didn't mean any harm, the things we say have meaning beyond the literal, supposition, implicature, that kind of thing. There are whole areas of linguistic study dedicated to this. It isn't just attributable everyone else's sensitivities. Well it can be, but she'll end up being someone who always says something offensive or inappropriate, a Catherine Tate figure like PP says. It does sound like the OP is making some unintentional missteps. Why isn't it a helpful thing for her to reflect a bit? Nobody is perfect.

OP, to go with the Magaluf anecdote, that was quite a negative or salacious experience of a place. What made you decide to repeat it to your friend knowing her husband was there? Might you do anything differently in that conversation? Why? Not for one minute saying it was the worst think in the world, I just think it's quite an interesting example to think through

It does sound like the OP is making some unintentional missteps. Why isn't it a helpful thing for her to reflect a bit? Nobody is perfect.
She has reflected on it. Her husband's comment to think before she speaks is not helpful as it is glaringly obvious. She doesn't need advice that she is already perfectly aware of herself.

At the end of the OP she asks 'am I overthinking/ becoming paranoid? This suggests she doesn't know whether to accept the advice or not. I think it's a good idea if there have been a few such occasions. Doesn't have to be a self flagellation, just a move away from what she described as thinking other people were taking things the wrong way, to noticing a pattern, taking time to think, and taking some responsibility for communicating as she'd like to

But actually she was telling YOU something and you didn't listen , you just jumped back in with an inappropriate comment about your sister.
People do find it really annoying even though you are trying to find a connection it essentially cuts them off and you tend to blurt something about yourself/ others

Best tip I use all the time

Listen, then ask a question

" Rob is in Magaluf atm"

Oh really, how long is he away for?

"Oh just a week, he's gone with his brother, have you been?"

No But my sister once went there with some friends

You now have a friendly controlled conversation with no blurting
🙂

That's a good point, @Freespeechisvital

Are you invalidating people by jumping in with your own stories? It might not be that you're saying the wrong thing, but that your timing indicates that you're not really interested in what they're saying.

Maybe so . Will keep that in mind

It could be the jumping in and invalidating or
Inappropriate comment / oversharing

All are very common in ADHD btw
It's the seeking connection behaviour
We don't always need to have seen/ done / heard of what the other person is talking about to forge a connection
The biggest thing is listening and pausing before you reply

It's only something I've noticed recently. Been around the block a few times. Long in the tooth etc. Maybe over analysing