Upset, opinions please

[Lissy332]

I heard my husband talking to his mother on the phone pretty much completely slagging my parents off when he thought I was out.

For context my parents looked after our little girl yesterday and it was her first sleepover at their house. My parents are first time grandparents whereas his parents are not, and it always seems his side know best and are the “experts”
My parents adore our daughter, but I heard him say he doesn’t trust my dad to take her to the play centre on his own as if he’s somehow incapable or she will get hurt, she’s 2 in december. He was making sarcastic comments to
his mother on how she won’t have had a proper lunch, and because my dad took her on his own he was making out as if my mum has just palmed her off with him so she could do other things which was not the case. He was also complaining about me saying I always expect his mother to bring her home whenever they have had her as opposed to me going picking her up, which I do go and pick her up so that was just a lie.

Hearing him talk about them in that way has upset me so much, I’m very close to them and they do their best. They are in their 60s and it’s obviously been a long time since they’ve had a toddler around. And this isn’t the first time as his mum sent a bitchy text to me by mistake instead of him not that long ago. So it’s obviously something they do. I questioned him and he knows it’s upset me but since he just said he stands by what he said and hasn’t even tried to talk about it with me.

Yes I'd be upset.

That's horrible and cowardly.

If he has a problem with your parents he speaks to you and them about it, not be a sly little weasel and go crying to mummy to whinge about you all.

That kind of disloyalty would not be tolerated by me and I would question the relationship with him.

Quite frankly he sounds like he is nasty and full of spite.

If he has any concerns about how your parents interact with/ care for your DD he should have been talking to you about them. Your child's upbringing and welfare are your and his responsibility. He should not have been bitching to you MiL about his concerns.

He has been very disloyal to you and very unpleasant to your parents. You have every right to be upset. He is more or less saying he values his mother's judgement and opinion more than yours and that is very dispectful to you and your marriage.

I think going forward you should make it clear that decisions re parenting should be discussed and decided between you both. What ever your MiL thinks is the right way to do things is not relevant . It is what you, the parents, think and decide that matters.

I would be very assertive here and say to both him and his mother that if they have any concerns regarding childcare and your parents, talk to you rather than bitching between themselves. They clearly enjoy doing this and I wouldn't be able to keep my mouth shut. I had an ex who absolutely loved slagging people off with his mum, it was the most unattractive thing.

I would also be upset by this. What is your MIL and your DH like normally? Are they nice kind people?

I’d be furious! The problem with bitchy catty people is that they think it’s normal and won’t change. His failure to see how it has upset you means that’s his nature.

I think HE has issues. Any problems his parents might have clearly come from the way he speaks about them. I would be dealing with this VERY firmly with him AND his parents, having a conversation when all together that he can’t weasel out of. (I get the feeling that this is exactly his style.)

I would not be letting this awful spiteful, nasty person and his shitty parents anywhere near me or my child.
Who on earth does he think he is

Yes, I think I’d find a way to make them realise they have really messed up. Next time MIL thinks she’s having DC - no, they’re staying with you. Abject apology is needed from both. They both sound awful

God Lord, that's terrible behaviour on both their parts. Your poor Dad. He was trying his best and doing a lovely thing. Any rational person can see that OP.
Sorry you had to hear these comments. Sounds like your DP and MIL are in one of these toxic triangles which sadly could be entrenched.
I would go quiet on both of them and withdraw. Give them time to realise your absence and then hopefully they might be able to reflect on why that might be.
Unfortunately if they think they are always right you might be best away from them.
When I hear colleagues criticising MIL's choices when looking after their children for free I could launch them into orbit.

When you get married you should have each others back. You can be close with your family but the priority should be in supporting each other.

He's show you that he's not in your corner and will go crying to his mummy to butch about you and your family.

Do you really want to be with someone as odious as that?

Show him the comments as no one here thinks he's anything but a nasty piece of work who's loyalty lays with his mother not you.

That’s horrible, OP. They both sound quite nasty. And your parents may be grandparents for the first time but they have already parented. That’s the key thing. 60s is no age at all - still young for grand-parenting; they will have lots of energy. Very sadly my mum and step-dad have both died but were high energy grandparents until very shortly before; my dad and parents in law are still going strong in their 80s/90 (MIL’s case).

Sounds like your MIL wants to be queen bee of the grandparents and in her son’s life. It’s so dysfunctional. Sorry you’ve got such a mean and disloyal DH - that’s a real problem.

He obviously tries to curry favour with mummikins by way of devaluing you and your parents abilities. She obviously absolutely loves it. He's probably conditioned to never say anything positive about you or your family in case she feels inadequate. Pathetic people that they are.
I couldn't be with a snivelling mummy's boy. Absolute ick central.

This is really cunty behaviour. Does he generally see his family as better than yours?

Nothing more to add, he sounds awful running to mummy to bitch about your parents. I’d be having serious thoughts about your marriage

Sounds like a DH problem, no I wouldn't be happy hearing this and would actually tell him what you heard and how upset you are.

Him and his mother sound like pair of poisonous, spiteful, superior cunts. I’d vibe very upset by this, and his subsequent behaviour. Awful.

Ungracious and disrespectful. Like mother, like son I guess.

Not good at all op. It totally undermines the trust and loyalty in your relationship. And you need to feel safe within your marriage and know that someone has your back.

When a man marries, his first loyalty should be his wife. He should be cutting off any nasty comment that his parents make.

This is incredibly destructive because you can’t rely on your dh to hand your back and I couldn’t just let it rest there tbh.

The fact that he has doubled down and doesn’t feel guilty when being caught out is even worse!

This is really serious and I think you need marriage counselling. He may listen to a therapist if he doesn’t listen to you.

Be quite assertive about it op and say you will not accept someone who is supposed to love you speaking so badly and untruthfully about you and your family behind your back.

In addition, your dh doesn’t have to love your family but he does have to be respectful.

Quite

I would've got the instant ick. Bitching to Mummy on the phone, and waiting until he thought you were gone to talk utter shit. Gross. He's simply not a good man. I bet they talk all sorts of shit about you too. I can't imagine my DH ever doing that sort of catty gossiping about anyone let alone my family!

I don't think this is a relationship worth staying in.

Yup that's really horrid. I can't imagine my XH speaking about my parents like that or my XMIL encouraging or listening to it. Respect is everything. They are seriously nasty.