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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Please can I have a handhold? DH lies

9 replies

YouCantCallMeBetty · 04/08/2024 00:49

H and I separated last summer after a very tough couple of years with big life events on both sides. Together for 15 years and two DC, two gos at couple counselling. He initiated it but I agreed we'd probably reached the end of the road. I was suspicious about an affair with someone he worked with but he flat out denied there was anyone else. He moved out into a flat on his own, no obvious signs of an OW coming into the picture.

We stayed on good terms and have coparented well, spent Christmas together and occasionally been shagging. Getting on better than we have for a while.

He approached me a couple of months ago about moving back in and trying again. I've been unsure but felt maybe it was worth a try to put the family back together, we've also both been having some individual therapy. He moved back in a couple of weeks ago. We've said to the DC that he's moved back in so we can have a chance to see if it can work again.

Then I saw an event in his iPad calendar (not snooping, helping DD with something) for this woman from work's birthday. I asked him about it and he said he couldn't remember putting it in, nothing to worry about etc, then turned it on me asking why I felt so threatened by her.

Something about this felt weird so tonight, while he's away, I have been snooping on his iPad and have found pictures of them together in his hidden folder as well as a video he sent her saying how he can be his whole self with her, I always made him feel shit and he's never felt so supported before as he does by her. I feel so fucking angry, horrible horrible lies. I can only guess that there was something going on, it's ended and that's why he wants to come crawling back.

He's talked throughout about putting the DC at the centre of everything and I just feel so awful and guilty for them, for getting their hopes up that we might repair things. I shouldn't have let him move back in but I was genuinely convinced that there was a chance to try again and commitment on both sides to this.

Thanks for reading if you've got this far. I want to send him so many angry messages but am just stewing for now.

OP posts:
Piemam · 04/08/2024 02:56

Use that anger and move him out again. It's over for good, you can't trust him. What an idiot he's been! As for your kids, you did everything in best faith; he didn't. Don't ever feel guilty. Feel angry and get rid of him and his lying arse. Sorry you're going through it.

Devilsmommy · 04/08/2024 03:13

Exactly what @Piemam said. You have nothing to feel guilty about, this is all on him

MonsteraMama · 04/08/2024 03:21

First response nailed it, move him straight back out again. This isn't on you, you're not the one who's lied, nor are you using your children as fecking bargaining chips like he is! Dirtbag.

Gamezup · 04/08/2024 03:23

What a rotten lying shit he is! Sounds as if he got back with you because she'd finished with him and then he had the audacity to deny anything had been going on. Don't feel sorry. You're not the guilty party here - HE is You've done all you could to make things right even though you sensed something was wrong. Kick his rotten arse out of your home and your life and start anew. You will get through this as many others have in similar situations. Good luck OP and keep strong! 💐

StrawberryWater · 04/08/2024 04:56

He's away, right?

So use your anger and pack his shit up then tell him it'll be on the doorstep for when he gets home.

Simples.

BananaSpanner · 04/08/2024 05:12

Take photos of what you’ve seen so he can’t delete it and gaslight you.

You’ve got the perfect opportunity to move him out whilst he’s away. Maybe take his stuff to his parents if possible so he doesn’t have to return to collect anything. Send him your evidence and tell him not to come home. That’s if you want to do that of course.

You’ve done nothing wrong.

YouCantCallMeBetty · 04/08/2024 06:41

Thank you all for the support and advice. He is away and back today, I'm then away for a couple of days with work. Plan to tell him to pack his stuff and leave as soon as I'm back on Tues. don't really want to see him at all but we don't really have anyone else to leave DC with this week due to holidays.

OP posts:
Piemam · 04/08/2024 12:46

@YouCantCallMeBetty That sounds like a good plan.

StormingNorman · 04/08/2024 12:55

You sound so strong! Let the anger fuel you for the next few days x

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