Confused, alcoholic husband, and friend.

[MeHereThere]

This might be long, so please bear with me....

Several years ago my husband and I went through a really bad patch. He was drinking heavily, and even if he was present physically, he wouldn't be present in any other way, sitting in bed giggling like a child, drinking vodka straight from the bottle. He was verbally and mentally abusive. He stole from me, and put my business at risk.

At this time a man I knew through work started expressing an interest in me, and we we used to chat a lot. Nothing physical ever happened, but he was definitely a support and a shoulder to cry on when my husband and I were separated. Separated at my husband's insistence.

When my husband realised that I had been talking to another male, he suddenly decided he wanted me back, wanted me more than anything else in the world. I obviously forgave him (again), and explained to my friend that we would never be more than friends. He admitted he wanted more and thought I deserved better. We agreed not to speak again as it was inappropriate because my husband and I were back together and husband was trying hard to make amends.

Of course husband's promises didn't last long, and we have been through several cycles of heavy binges. Last time I had had enough, and I told my husband that I was leaving. He called AA that very day, and went to his first meeting that night. He has now been 6 weeks sober. But we have been here before, and I have told him that he has broken me this time, that I am having a difficult time working on our relationship. I really am struggling.

Then today, after a number of years of no contact, due to me deleting his number and asking him not to contact me, my old friend contacts me. Just a short text, hoping I was well, and saying to get in touch if I wanted a catch up.

While I have no intention of reconnecting with my friend, it has made me realise that, if I wished it, and despite being 60 and very overweight, there are good men out there who find me kind, witty and attractive. Someone who cherishes me, and doesn't make me feel like shit.

The problem is, we don't own our property, he has got us into all sorts of debt, and the chances of me finding somewhere affordable to rent at my age is almost as scarse as rocking horse shit. So I am just going to have to put up with my life, and wait for his next relapse aren't I. I haven't replied to my friend's message, but so keep going back and re reading those few, comforting words.

I know there is no real solution to this, I am just hoping that writing it down will make me feel better.

Have you considered attending an Al Anon meeting for family members?

It might help you to understand and accept that you're not responsible for your husband's drinking.

In your shoes, I'd separate now and only consider getting back together if he attends regular meetings and manages to remain sober for at least a year.

Posted too soon...

I also strongly recommend that you don't jump straight into a rebound relationship as they rarely work out. You need time to grieve the ending of your current relationship.

Whilst your husband is working on staying sober, maybe you could focus on building up your self esteem and being happy in yourself?

I go to Al Anon already. It has helped, but I obviously can't change the decisions he makes in his life.

The problem is, I'm not sure I love him anymore, and the contact from my friend has made me realise that I deserve better.

Have you checked out benefits you might be entitled to and any division of assets should you divorce? Has your husband rung up debts in your name? You could phone Turn2us and the National Debtline for advice.

Have you looked into housing options such as Almhouses or shared houses? You could contact Shelter to see what your options are.

I suggest you read up on co dependency and see if it resonates. If it was me, I'd leave as I wouldn't want to be with an alcoholic and it sounds like the trust is gone. He will fall off the wagon.