Drowning

[Crispsandwineandcheese]

Name changed for this. Cut short I think that I am in an emotionally abusive marriage. Just emotional but that’s bad enough. I almost wish it was physical- at least then I would know for sure. It’s so up and down .
Husband has a good job and he earns well. His job takes him away from the family home for long periods of time.

I don’t work. My MH is not good and hasn’t been for many years. I last worked three years ago but left due to my MH and my contract wasn’t renewed.
We have children. I do everything. Especially as my husband is away so much . And I cope alone.
My lovely Dad has just been diagnosed with cancer and his treatment begins in a few weeks time. I will be a big part of my Dads support , as will my sister. We will also be supporting our Mum, as we are already.
My husband and I are aren’t getting on at the moment. I am drowning.
Please. Does anyone have any suggestions for any support / help groups, as well as any strategies to help me cope.
Thank you x

Did you post about recently? If not some else is going through some thing very similar.

Seek support for your mental health. Do you have any support at the moment?

What is happening that makes you think your DH is abusive? You seem unsure.

Yeah that was me.
Shouting , swearing, gaslighting. Lots of things.
Then he’s lovely .
Now tonight he’s yelling at me I need to get a job. Apparently I take his money .
How can I get a job? I will but not yet - my Dads treatment begins soon and he knows that.
For context - my husband earns very well.

He doesn't sound like a very nice person at all x

Honestly divorce him and go for half.

I'm inclined to agree

I don’t know where to begin.

About 18 months ago I was drowning due to his alcoholism and emotional abuse - was struggling not to cry and very close to a nervous breakdown when I look back now. Initially I got a referral for counselling through those sessions the counsellor helped me identify I was being abused. She gave me me techniques to help me get my overwhelm and anxiety under control I then got the courage to contact with my local Women's Aid.

I would suggest the following;

1. First step contact your local domestic abuse/women's aid service they will more than likely offer you the option to attend an outreach session and you will hopefully be able to talk about what options are available to you for support. It doesn't mean you have to leave immediately but they will be able to give you support to help you feel stronger to deal with the situation. You may be able to get counselling through this service.

1. Next is contact your GP or depending on where you live mental health service to get some counselling - they will be able to give you techniques to help you manage any symptoms of anxiety so that you can start feeling stronger - I'm assuming you have anxiety as I had really bad when I felt like I was overwhelmed and drowning due to dealing with emotional abuse.

The whole focus needs to be for you to make time to take care of yourself so that you will start to feel stronger so you can eventually leave.

Read books about emotional abuse - such as Lundy Bancroft 'Why does he do that?" and other ones it will reaffirm your confidence about what you are experiencing.

They say "once you see the abuse and you can't not see it" - that will be the turning point for you getting your strength back. I got to this point from reading Lundy Bancroft, attending weekly sessions at Women's Aid and Instagram feeds about emotional abuse plus Mumsnet.

The weekly sessions at Women's Aid helped me gain a better understanding about the cycle of abuse and how it works. The support from being around other women that have gone through similar has given me the courage and strength to make the change - we may be still living in the same house at present but I have already put my escape plan into motion and he has been told we are separating. I'm fortunate to have a spare room to have moved to whilst we get the house up for sale.

Hope this helps x

I'm not sure what you want to hear op?
On your other thread, you said you felt overwhelmed and that your husband was working 6 days a week, long hours, with very little free time and always tired. Now you are saying he's emotionally abusing you. If there is abuse, then you should contact womens aid. You didn't say that a few days ago though?

OP, @Plantoleave has given you good advice. You have a lot going on and need to build your strength to support your mental health and the emotional demands that you are facing. If you think your husband is abusive then start by contacting Womens Aid for advice and support.

I know I didn’t. Guess the other day he wasn’t swearing and shouting at me like he was last night. There’s lots I’ve not said on here. Lots .

He shouldn't be shouting in the first place

This is great advice, thank you.
Great that you are feeling stronger after everything you’ve been through, it sounds similar. I am sorry it happened to you.

I question it a lot. Ask myself is it abuse? We argue and he shouts me down all the time. Calls me mentally unwell, lazy etc
It is when he is tired that he is particularly nasty . That shouldn’t be an excuse surely . It is such a head mess .

There's no excuse for his behaviour. To answer your question, yes, it is abuse. I think your life would be better without him in it, and probably your MH too. I hope your dad's treatment goes well x

I used to find excuses to justify his behaviour e.g. he was having an awful time with his adult sons behaviour and treatment or the responsibility for being the main carer for his elderly mum, he was really tired, stressed out and worried, hated his job, the youngest childs behaviour caused lots of stress in our house. I could find excuses from all over - its a way our brains try to cope with understanding/reasonsing why they are behaving the way they do.

On my first session with Women's Aid the support worker showed me the cycle of abuse - This was my defining point in accepting it wasn't me - I started crying when I saw it as it finally hit the nail on the head for me. It was making the jump to get help that started to enable me to get stronger to fight the overwhelm.

You can see the cycle of abuse wheel via this link below
https://domesticviolence.org/cycle-of-violence/

He will tell you "your crazy", "your mental", "your over-sensitive" - your not it is HIM. I was called "lazy" by him on countless occasions - I got up every day with the kids, did everything in the house, worked full time and cared not only for the 3 children living with us but also for his mother and my parents. Its a lie and way of putting you down to lower your self esteem and control you.

When he is away from the family for these long periods take the opportunity for some self care and spend time building your strength up - not sure the age of your children but try to spend some of each day doing something for you - if they are young and you don't have them in a sleep routine to go to bed early try to put one in so that you get your evenings back for some time for you. It may be hard work at first to implement but once you have your evenings back you will definitely feel the benefit.