Cheating.

[kimmillie]

Did anyone find going to counselling helped to understand why your partner cheated?

Your partner cheated because that is the person they are. You can talk about it in therapy but the reason someone cheats is purely because they want to cheat, there is no science behind it. I would save my money and rant on here or to friends instead to be honest.

Absolutely agree with this! I got nowhere with it.. he cheated, he lied and lied some more, he never changed and no amount of therapy made that fact any better. Sometimes I'm really angry about it, sometimes I accept him for the c*nt he is.

What does he say is his reason for cheating?

Cheaters, cheat because they want to and they made a series of many, many choices which led to an emotional, online or physical affair, it is never a mistake. It’s a choice.

Unless he can accept he chose to cheat and look at why he felt that was a good option for him (rather than divorcing or talking) you will struggle to reconcile.

You cannot instill integrity and honesty in another human being. Sex every morning, a bacon butty before bed and polishing his bicycle every lunch time cannot increase someones honesty, integrity and loyalty. He chose to cheat, he needs to explore why he doesn’t really believe in fidelity but presumably said he does.

They cheated because they're a cunt.

There you go, just saved you a fortune in therapy fees.

I would rather spend my money ruining his life. Who cares why,, what will that matter now. If you decide to stay, have an affair and rub it in his face…

Cheating can cause a type of PTSD for the betrayed. If you are struggling op that is very normal, it takes 2-5 years to heal. Use the money to access EMDR therapy for yourself. If you are likely to leave your partner then use family money to pay for it (cheaters are often keen for you to get ‘therapy’ as they feel it will ‘fix’ you so you get back to ‘normal’). Emdr and don’t use any counsellor who believes in Unmet needs.

When you stick with a cheat, you're effectively telling them that you will put up with cheating. They lose all respect for you and often do it again.

He'll say whatever you want to hear, so counselling will probably be a waste of time. Cheats often have a lot to lose; money in the divorce, access to children and a housemaid.

I recommend Chump Lady and the website surviving infidelity.

He cheated 6 years ago and I have just found out. He is going to counselling. Which he decided to do.
He hasn't asked me to go, I wondered if it would help me to stop feeling betrayed.
We are working on how to tell my child we have broken up. So saying strong for them at the moment. But once it hits me I know I will crumble so wondered if talking would help.

Also the women he cheated on me with. Won't answer my questions. Would you message the husband to put them in the picture, or is that just opening up shit I don't need right now.

I see. So you want to go to counselling for yourself and you've split up? Then yes, I'm sure it will help to work through your feelings.

Re the husband. Sit on that for the time being.

It won't stop you feel betrayed because you have been betrayed. That is his doing and it's not your fault. It might do you good to have some counselling on your own, to talk through how your feeling and make a plan for going forward into single life. I wouldn't tell the other woman's husband and I wouldn't try and communicate with her any further. What questions do you want answering? You know all you need to know.

What difference would it make to know why he cheated? What would that bring to you? He felt pissed off at work. He felt appreciated by her. He felt you were too absorbed by the children. He wanted to have sex with someone new. He was drunk. It was a boost to his ego. He lost his way. He was drugged. He was bored with family life. He made a choice for whatever reason instead of discussing his issues with you.

I think having the truth will help with closure and I think it's totally normal for anyone want details. And yes OP - I think you should tell her husband. Bitch deserves it.

I doubt anyone posting here has ever actually cheated so take their view with a pinch of salt

It’s worse in my opinion finding out years later - it’s happened to me - he has stolen nearly 20 years of my life, all they things I wouldn’t have done if I’d known. I’m sad every day. I doubt myself every day. Wishing you luck op.

@sunflowrsngunpowdr you will never get the truth though. There is never closure.

How are you doing OP

Sorry to hear this OP. Try counselling if you think it will help but I honestly don’t think it will help you stop feeling betrayed - because you have been.

Ultimately his decision to cheat could be for a number of reasons but he has lied, been disrespectful and unfaithful.

I wouldn’t contact the other women, it won’t help and they’ll probably tell you a load of old cobblers as well.

What I would say is try and remember this is about him, his lack of boundaries, his poor morals, his need for attention etc. it isn’t really about anything to do with you that should affect your self esteem.

I have been cheated on multiple times and I honestly think it just means you should have a poor opinion of the cheater, not about yourself.

Chin up - you’ll get through it xx

???
"Did anyone find going to counselling helped to understand why your partner cheated?"

@kimmillie didn't ask cheaters; the question was for those who'd been cheated ON. It's a sad fact that there are always, always, ALWAYS a lot of betrayed people to give advice or commiserate.

I can't think of any reason OP would care if counseling helped the person who cheated.

@kimmillie, I'm so sorry he has done this to you. It may have been 6 years ago, but for you, it just happened.

Individual counseling will build your confidence and help you find your way through this. It will give you strength, support, and some tools to retain your control when having to deal with him.

As for the OW refusing to answer questions, I wonder if she realizes her husband may still find out? If you decide during counseling to tell him, please take care of yourself and stay safe.