Married to a man child

[Namechangeforthispost579]

I'll get straight to the point with my question - has anyone here left their husband purely down to the way that they speak to their children like shit?

Background info - together for 10 years and our kids are 5 and 3. He works full time in a well paying job and I'm at home looking after the kids. I've been trying to get back to work but I'm struggling to find a way to make it work due to zero family support/no wraparound care available and him working away a lot. We have a lot of hospital appointments due to 1 child's health condition and this all falls on me.

I sometimes find it mentally hard being at home and dealing with the threenager tantrums and really miss earning my own money, but I'm stuck.

Here's the problem - my DH literally can't cope with the kids alone for more than a couple of hours. He will do his specific tasks like swimming lessons and parties etc so it's not all bad. But then it's like an immediate handover straight back to me.

If I ask him to do general childcare in the house, eg play with them or do crafts He gets so stressed out. I just asked him to give me half an hour so I can catch up with some jobs... My eldest made a mess all over the floor and he blew up shouting to 'pick that up or it's all going in the bin' etc. She obviously gets upset and comes to me crying that Daddy's shouting and I end up intervening. Every time.

This happens regularly. I can't bear to hear him shout at them for such small issues when all it takes is a calm conversation to explain why we need to do things a certain way. So I intervene, and then he thinks I'm undermining him and that I'm creating issues as the kids know that mummy will step in and back them up.
I tried to arrange for him to look after the kids on weekends so I could get a weekend job but soon realised that I'd come home to WW3/unfed kids.

I don't want them to grow up thinking it's normal for men to speak to women this way (they're girls). I bought a book (how to talk so that children will listen) but he won't read it as thinks I am the problem and the kids 'need to learn'. To me they're pure, innocent beings just starting out in life and learning how to handle their emotions and how to behave.

We have a beautiful house, holidays etc. I don't think he would go for 50/50 given his job, but the thought of handing my girls over for any time when I'm not there to keep the peace makes me feel sick. Their lifestyles would change for the worse - no swimming, holidays, much smaller house etc, but they would live in a calm environment.

He does his fair share in the house. This is the only problem really, but I'm quickly losing respect for him. I asked why he's capable of dealing with difficult colleagues with respect yet he can't do that for us and apparently 'its different'......

Do I blow our family up over this? Or suck it up and do all of the childcare myself?

I stayed because I was worried about him spending time with the because of his attitude. There were a lot of other issues in the end, but I recognise everything you say.

I did leave him eventually, because I reached a point where I was physically collapsing.

My children were shielded to a degree, but it definitely affected them. In hindsight, I wish I'd left earlier.

What do you want to teach your kids about relationships and what are they learning here?.

A calm environment for your kids is worth its weight in gold. If your kids accept their father talking to them with such disdain they may well go onto have relationships with men who also talk to them similarly.

And trying to protect them from his barbed comments whilst you are all under the same roof is impossible. Be brave and make the break sooner rather than later.

Thanks for the replies! @Frostycottagegarden did your kids go to stay with your ex after you split, if so how did that work out?

@AttilaTheMeerkat That's exactly what I'm worried about. I couldn't live with myself if they ended up with a shouty husband.

I need to figure out how I would juggle childcare and returning to full time work as I know he won't do pickups

Im just divorcing one of these. We have completely different parenting styles. Im calm, talk it through to get them to understand why its wrong, hes a all guns blazing, shouting and aggressive (almost makes me feel like he does it on purpose now so i intervene). Not to mention he’s generally had alcohol too so that into the mix means he goes 0-100 in seconds. He has no patience. Im just sick of it. Ive taken on all of the parenting now. He’s incapable. He still lives in the house for the moment but hes like a lodger and almost berates me when my “perfect” parenting fails. “Youre perfect, you never shout” etc. i honestly dont care if the kids dont want to see him when we live apart. Im happy for them too but i doubt he will want that and neither they. Mine are 15, 9 and 7. Very sad. Ive just tried to be a good mum and keep a calm house but hes buggered that all up 🤷🏻‍♀️

This.
I left it too late. My girls have definitely learned that it’s normal to get talked down to, ignored and just to be in the way of their dad being important. He’s had to step up and is doing well. Damage is definitely done.

I hope you manage to navigate this.

Would you want your daughters to be in a marriage like yours? If not then that’s your answer.

Your daughters deserve better.

@GreenIvyy I'm sorry you're going through this too. I just makes me so angry that these men behave in this way. Mine doesn't drink much but he's glued to his phone and will just ignore his little girls saying 'daddy, daddy...'
It's like he's here in person but is emotionally dead. He thinks because he earns the money that's enough.
Wishing you all the very best for a positive and calm future with your family.

What's your head and your heart telling you? X

What happens when you are physically out of the house away from them? Because if this only happens when you are around then he's doing it on purpose so you won't leave the kids with him and he doesn't have to do anything

I think I'd have to tell him how unattractive it is when a man can't communicate kindly and effectively with his own children. If he literally can't parent them without shouting it makes him seem a bit pathetic and aggressive, like a bully at school who is nasty because he doesn't know how to interact normally. And a man who refuses to work on himself is...well, not much of a man at all really.

I left my ex because of his shouting, mostly at dc1 but also at me.

I remember him starting to shout after we had split but were still under the same roof, and I walked out the room and said I would listen when he spoke to me a in a normal voice. He instantly managed to stop shouting which proved to me how much it had been under his control the whole time.

He manages not to shout at all when he has the dc now (1 night a week). I don’t know if it is because he can cope with them for short periods or because the shouting was really for my benefit. As long as they are not getting shouted at I don’t really care either way.

Yep, well partner not husband. Although he was abusive towards me too, he started speaking to and treating DD like he did me when she became more independent. He has almost no patience with her most of the time, can't stand her not instantly doing as asked (she's 3) and his default parenting 'method' is to physically manhandle her into whatever it is she's meant to be doing. He dismisses her feelings and plain ignores her a lot of the time when she's trying to talk to him which leads her to shriek in his face, then he tells her off for that and stomps off so she never gets what she wanted to say to him acknowledged or heard. He has zero skill in distraction or negotiation. Won't apologise to the point DD noticed this and told me it made her sad. It turned me into a nervous wreck to be honest as whenever I left them alone in the house something would happen, DD would be sobbing, he'd be cross then when I appeared he would stomp off like a petulant child leaving me to pick up the pieces. I have never seen her behave so erratically and emotionally with anyone else. At bedtime he tried to insist she lies totally still in her bed without talking and with her eyes shut or he won't read her story, he cannot see how this is causing her stress and is also really controlling and impossible for her to achieve. I once heard her asking him if she could please open one eye which was absolutely heartbreaking. I also got blamed for his failings as a parent for rushing in and 'taking over' but if you have a partner who doesn't display the use of any other strategies than shouting and aggression with the children and who refuses to see that this doesn't work, it leaves you with little choice.

@Iggityziggety oh my goodness, that's absolutely heartbreaking. Did you leave him?
I can relate to so much of what you wrote. My husband also struggles with doing bedtime if they're misbehaving and I've had to step in many times to calm things down.

@Balloonhearts I've had the conversation so many times. If I say anything in front of the kids he blows up (regardless of the kids being there/windows being open). Several times I've had this exact conversation calmly after the kids have gone to bed and he has said sorry and he'll take onboard what I've said as doesn't want to loose us. But then as soon as he's under any pressure from emotional kids he reverts back to loosing his temper 😕

Also the most annoying thing is as soon as the kids are asleep he comes downstairs like nothings happened asking if i want to watch a film back to his chilled out pre-children self

@Namechangeforthispost579 I did and this behaviour was a huge part of the reason why, but mainly because I couldn't discuss anything without him turning it on me or shouting and swearing at me. I was scared to approach him about how he was with DD and that's when I realised I couldn't protect her from him even with us all under the same roof. He's better with her now he only has to parent 1 day a week and can do what he likes the rest of the time, a huge part of it was he didn't actually like being a parent, he is by his own admission hugely lazy and views children as just hard work and inconvenient. The absorbed by phone and tuning out child I can definitely relate to but of course to him that's just me being a bitch and obviously not a problem.

I left when the dcs were older teens. DS1 sees him on his terms, which are usually financially to his advantage. Youngest hardly sees him.

Basically, he expects the world to revolve around him, and he couldn't stand the dcs needing attention.

I just want you to know, from a child who grew up in similar circumstances (minus the drink but definitely the 'oh so you are perfect are you' jabs at the other parent) you are absolutely doing the right thing. Do not not doubt yourself for a second. Wishing you and your children the best.

You need to tell him he is a shit dad and a shit husband. Give him a chance to change if he doesn't you should leave. You can't be happy in this scenario as your parenting styles are too different. The house won't be harmonious. But I would still tell him this will happen if he doesn't change.

I relate to much of what's been posted. It's like having an dysregulated toddler at times, except one that is physically big enough to be threatening.

I don't want them to grow up thinking it's normal for men to speak to women this way (they're girls)

I sort of knew it wasn't normal, but I ended up tolerating such behaviour for far longer than I should have because that's the way my Dad spoke to me the majority of the time, and still does.

Rarely hear a kind word from him. He either pretty much ignores me, almost never instigates a conversation, but will speak to me if he has something negative to say or wants to tell me off for something ridiculously small. It's obvious he doesn't like me, and can barely conceal his contempt at me sometimes. He's been like that for as long as I can remember, and I was a very good, well behaved child.

Then I'd walk away. Your kids are living in an abusive household and you can't allow that to continue. They have to be the priority here and its already damaging them.