Mother talking bad behind my back about fiancé

[AnnaBanana112]

weve recently bought a house that needs a lot of work and my mother stayed a night to help.

Since she left, she’s talking a lot of bad things behind mine and fiances back. She wasn’t on good terms with fiancé for a long time (even though he did nothing wrong, she just wanted me to stay with controlling ex because he had money). Recently we all made amends and all was fine until the other night.

shes been talking to family members saying things like we’re poor and don’t wear nice clothes, we should sell our house because it’s crap, I should leave my fiance and get back with rich ex, my fiance is a bastard who doesn’t want to go food shopping or take me out for nice dinners, he’s no good because he can’t renovate the house straight away etc etc etc. much more was said but I won’t go into the finest details.

When a family member confronted her for saying such things she told them to take my fiancé for their own daughters and see if they were happy. She’s turned my siblings against my fiance too and they all chimed in to say a word about him too. I feel so sorry for him, he’s literally done nothing to deserve this and was so happy for my mum to stay, he keeps saying he’s glad we’re all on good terms (little does he know what she says about him, it would break his heart).

Yes ok we just purchased a new house and our finances are low at the moment but to deserve all of this? I can’t even confront her because I was told this in discretion. I feel so sad and low right now, like we’ve made one step forward and 10 steps back.

Sounds like she's not happy that your happy.You have met someone and you're both committed to buying a house together which can mean there's not a lot of money around for luxuries such as eating out and new clothes.I would have a word with her privately and let her know your actually doing OK and are content with your partner regardless of any fears or doubts she may have,maybe she is worried for you.

Thanks, if she mentions anything directly to me, I will for sure let her know. She likes to control absolutely everything and can’t accept that I’m happy. She’s making me feel low about the house we got, we knew it needed a lot of work and planned to do it up slowly. I’m just quite sad about it all really.

It was unfair of your relative to tell you what she said without you being able to talk to her about it. Because of the history between you I would not keep this information to yourself.

You need to have an open and honest conversation with her. No more whispers behind backs otherwise you are just feeding into her bag behaviour.
Tell her what you've heard and say you want to talk through her concerns about your relationship ( not that it's any of her business!).
If she can't be happy for you regardless of who you are with, then you might want to distance yourself from her.

I disagree that she's not happy you're happy op.. she's worried and genuinely thinks you're making a mistake. Batshit as you might think she is, in her mind she wanted better for you.

She might not be happy, which is her right. You might be very happy, which is your right. But, why are family members passing on conversations and gossip?

They are your problem. 🙄

Your mother is absolutely toxic.
Toxic people ruin everything they touch.
Step away.
Tell your fiancé that you have come to realise just how toxic she is and you want space from her.
Tell her nothing.
Tell your siblings NOTHING beyond how happy you are.
If your fiance is a good kind man, protect your relationship and future by protecting you both from toxic relatives.
Wishing you well.

Then she should speak to OP, not bitch behind her back.

Also unless the fiance is abusive, which it doesn't sound like he is, she doesn't get a say. The choice is OP's.

Does she (or your siblings) have any basis for her low opinion of him after spending time in his company around you? You say her main gripe is financial, but what about that he ‘doesn’t want to go food shopping’ or take you out for dinner?

Lincoln24

"Ohthejoys21
I disagree that she's not happy you're happy op.. she's worried and genuinely thinks you're making a mistake. Batshit as you might think she is, in her mind she wanted better for you."

"Then she should speak to OP, not bitch behind her back.

Also unless the fiance is abusive, which it doesn't sound like he is, she doesn't get a say. The choice is OP's."

Agree with you of course on both points- but as a worried mother myself (for different reasons) I doubt it comes from not wanting the best for her dd.

If you and your Fiancé are happy OP that’s all that matters.
Time to focus more on what you think and want than letting others opinion poison your happiness.

The food shopping thing is an over exaggeration, we said we’d do a big food shop at the end of the week and that was her excuse to throw in that comment. We do go out for dinners just not as often as we’d like to as we need to save to renovate. She’s been telling family members if I was with my ex (who was mentally abusive but wealthy) then I’d be better off financially.

My ex was vile and abusive yet because he had money he was good in her eyes. He would call me all sorts of names in front of her and she’d turn a blind eye because “he was rich and had a job high up”. I truly believe this whole fiasco is all to do with money and control. Unfortunately no one is ever good enough unless they are rich in her opinion.

I'd be wondering about the motives of the person who told you.this whilst hampering your ability to tackle it