Should I be worried??

[KAM2024]

Hi, just looking for some words of wisdom. I've been with my husband 10 years, he's always doted on me and I know he'd never cheat on me. However, he is mid thirties and I'm early forties. He works in a role which is very female dominated and lately he's got friendly with a pretty work colleague whose in her 20s. I've heard a lot about this colleague and he talks openly about her and other female colleagues which hasn't bothered me up until now! This said single colleague texts him quite a lot outside of work on his days off which he replies to, without my knowledge. His shifts are long and there have been times when heyve been on shift together and she messages him even after the shift has ended. I did get very paranoid and snooped on his phone. There has been no sexual context, just work related stuff and some personal conversations between them, nothing to make me think it's more than friendship. However, I don't think it's appropriate that she messages a married man randomly on his days off or after work, knowing full well we're expecting a baby very soon. I did also see her send my husband baby outfits which I thought was really odd. I have a feeling she may like my husband and my husband does have a tendancy to be very friendly which she may be taking the wrong way. I also don't know how they act in work, do they flirt with each other etc, is there some chemistry. Whatever it is, I dont like it and I don't know what to do about it. I did have an emotional breakdown the other week (hormones) and told him that i felt isolated and that wed become distant. Since then hes been a lot more attentive but again today, ive seen messages from this colleague. Its not everyday. Shes on holiday now for a week and i was going to seenif she messages him, as there really is t any need for to if shes notnin work! Any thoughts please???

It could be completely innocent and they just get on well. I message a married man from work sometimes when we're off and sometimes he messages me. We are just friends. There is no way I fancy him in that way at all. I went to their wedding too!

You could talk to him and express your concerns and ask him to cool it or even stop it all together. But, at the same time, keep your eyes and ears open!

I don’t agree that there’s no need for her to message if they aren’t in work, if they are friends then it’s normal to speak to your friends regardless. I have work friends male & female that I text/speak to outside of work, so does my husband, we trust each other and have no issue with this, there isn’t one. The issue I suppose only comes if you don’t trust your husband that it’s only a friendship.

We recently had a baby and 2 of his work friends came round to meet the baby with little presents for her, mine did the same. There’s nothing immediately wrong with opposite sex friends unless there is a bigger issue with trust.

He has lots of female friends and we socialise with some of them, I've no issue and never have done. I suppose it's because I've never met her and I don't like that he's secretive about it sometimes. His other female colleagues ask about me but she doesn't!

As you say OP if they are working long shifts together and are talking there why the need to continue talking when the shift has ended? She obviously knows you are pregnant and yet she is intruding on his personal time with you.

The fact he talks about her a lot and yet he is secretive about their communications with each other is also worrying.

I think even if their relationship is innocent so far there is real danger of it becoming an emotional connection.

I really think you should be talking to him and telling him how you feel . Asking him to draw back from his friendship with her to stop it intruding into his and yours personal time together is a very reasonable request.

So she never mentions you, but does he mention you?

In my experience, this is what sets alarm bells ringing. I read messages between my then partner and another woman which mentioned her family members, our children, even pets, but I was not mentioned at all. Even when it would usual to do so, there was no mention of me. E.g. he said that he was going on holiday, when of course we were going on holiday.
The way he communicated with her did not follow his usual pattern. If what you've read also does not follow your husband's usual pattern, then I think you should address the matter with him.

The last message they sent she mentioned our baby gender reveal which we're having tomorrow. My husband did message back and said "we're" so I think he does talk about me, but can't be 100% sure. They're conversations are mainly work focused and gossiping about other colleagues etc and sharing funny tiktoks between each other. She told him to have a nice time at the reveal and that was the last of the messages. I do wonder if she'll find an excuse to message him whilst she's off work for a week!

Dear KAM2024 - Esther Perel, a relationship expert, author or "The State of Affairs", says something like "It is naive to think your husband/partner/Significant Other - won't cheat on you - You are NOT indispensable, you ARE replaceable - You said you KNOW your husband will NEVER cheat on you - please rethink this, I thought the same of my kind, helpful, big hearted and who I thought LOYAL partner of 10 years at the time of his emotional involvement - that very nearly turned physical (there was much desire on his part as it were for the OW)..I have been truly traumatised by a 'Limerent Episode' my husband had for a SO-CALLED FRIEND of mine initially and then who he quoted as his "ONLY FRIEND" - yeah the bitch also attended our wedding - read "Not Just Friends - How To Regain Your Sanity After Infidelity" or similar by Shirley Glass..she infiltrated our lives - we took the narcissistic, single, childless, ever the victim, poor me "I'm so sexy, beautiful, intelligent, blah blah, oh all my siblings have children and partners - why oh why not me" REPEAT - AD NAUSEUM - It was literally sickening, although much empathy and sympathy was given to the treacherous 'frenemy' - and she was a total whore - who was "willing to 'explore' with my husband" she said - just let me know first - oh how magnanimous, transparent and gracious of the traitor in our camp - NOT!

Even after my husband told her "it isn't happening between us" and "I still love her (ME!)" - she wanted to continue the 'fight' - even though he said "she was as shocked as you" - he confided his "strong feelings" for HER - before he confessed to ME!

You've mentioned some worrying elements that make for ripe, fertile ground for infidelity of many types (emotional, physical, micro cheating, fantasy turned real with opportunity on a plate) ; SECRECY..any sort of emotional 'connection' , and 'sexual alchemy' - you said she's a pretty, twenty something!..He talks about her all the time you said - people who are beginning to send their energy and interest towards a third party do this, or don't - eg don't talk about the other person at all...

This Other Woman has bought baby clothes you say? Classic 'love bomb' move - or could be genuine kindness, but why didn't she give them to YOU! You're expecting a child I gather as you mention hormones... classic time for men to have affairs, pregnancy, birth and new baby in the family..and apparently 50% of affairs happen in "happy marriages"

Why are they communicating outside of work or in it for that matter - there are several RED FLAGS - you MUST erect some clear BOUNDARIES - I would suggest NO CONTACT with this OW - before your husband goes down the 'slippery slope' - two meanings for this, one quite coarse!!!! Try and be calm, tell your husband you don't like him communication with this twenty something, that it makes you feel uncomfortable to say the least - I'd tell him you want to meet her! To say thanks for the baby clothes, then sweetly smile at her and privately tell her to "BACK THE FUCK OFF!" - and see what happens..tell your husband he has to delete her number - so difficult as they are supposed work colleagues...sorry this is written in a rush believe it or not - but don't accept anything that makes you feel uncomfortable...I looked at my husband's phone had full access after 'D-Day' confessions from him - devastating...told me he 'loved her, missed her, she needed looking after and why didn't I include her' the little VICTIM whore, played 'damsel in distress' had devalued me, discarded me and was nowhere to be seen, having been omnipresent in our lives, she was busy, busy, busy doing shitty little online courses in lockdown and the year after, I invited her to EVERYTHING...but she declined everything - it was a game- to create mystery - husband thinks he was an idiot, now - I've had blame, defence, anger and bullshit excuses... only now after 2.5 years nearly is he owning it, and sees his 'Only friend' - what a joke - as the narcissistic, victim, vampire that she was and is...you need to think about your husband's brain on DRUGS/aka HORMONES - the dopamine hits he'll be getting from the secrecy, desire, and attention will be intoxicating for him from this poor excuse for the 'sisterhood' - it doesn't exist for some poor excuses for women! Good luck - sending love and hugs - I told my husband that I wanted a divorce in the heat of the moment, to FO and decide what he wanted, I told him I loved him and he'd devastated me - this was at a time when I had to get involved with my estranged mum (whole family estranged from her - for good reasons -toxic parent) the reason being was that she had dementia - my husband knew how difficult my previous relationship was with my mum, and despite being a family man said I should go No Contact with her as I was depressed and sad, shut down for days after communication with her - yet he had his "limerent episode' for his LO (the traitor friend) the Limerent Object, when I was up to my eyes in shit, literally with my mother, paramedics, hospitals etc - he said "my mother's situation made me cold" ...True I had shut down - but there is never an excuse for infidelity...of any sort - people owe it to their partner to be transparent...But men outsource more than sex, it's starts as "just friends' - then can blow up into a full on affair.. it could be he's relishing the attention and there is that 'sexual alchemy' between him and the twenty something - make it STOP before too late - look up LIMERENCE - best of luck - look after you xxx

I'd invite here to the next event you have and suss her out. If she's such a good 'friend' then surely your hubby would want to invite her, if he doesn't then...

Oh she's after him op, there is no need to message married people outside work. If she was a genuine 'friend' you'd have met her. She will he biding her time as all desperate wannabe ow do until you have difficulty in your marriage and she will then swoop.
Tell your dh to cut back the cosy chats and tik toks, totally inappropriate.

Do people not have friends at work? I message my friends at work out of work. I even go for drinks with them. 70% of my work friends are male as that’s what it’s like in my industry. I have a a colleague who is 10yrs younger than me. I meet up with him every few months for dinner. He’s married now but wasn’t when we first met at work. There has never been any attraction with any of my work colleagues. We all work long hours, I doubt I would have many friends if I didn’t make any at work!!

If you have had a bit of a recent breakdown over their inappropriate contact - which it is out of work and he hasn't stopped her messaging out of work, you have a problem with your husband.

I would express to him whilst it may be flattering to him, a younger woman wanting his attention this is straying into EA territory.

I have no doubt the female work colleague knows exactly what she is doing and if she genuinely sees him as just a work colleague or even friend she would limit communication out of respect for you and his personal life. She doesn't!

Sadly I've seen far too many of these silly woman types at work who couldn't give damn if the target of their affections is single or married with pregnant wife or several kids. For some women it is a almost a sport to poach married men and break up families. In no way am I excusing the man's part in this at all either.

If it were me I would be asking him, how he would feel if boot were on the other foot. I too would be issuing ultimatums instead of allowingng matters to slide. Don't get emotional when you talk to him just say matter of fact, if he can't stop this communication and isn't prepared to prioritise you and your impending little one, then maybe you need to rethink the marriage/ relationship.

If you do know he'd never cheat on you, what's your concern? It seems obvious that you're bluffing yourself here, and trying to convince yourself he's a faithful man, whilst also doubting his faithfulness.

However, I don't think it's appropriate that she messages a married man randomly on his days off or after work, knowing full well we're expecting a baby very soon

She doesn't have to live according to what you think is appropriate, so there's not need to contact her, as per SOME of the very dramatic ADVICE on the THREAD(!)

People are often friends with people from work, and contact each other during and outside of work hours. Your husband's contact with this woman may be innocent, and may not be innocent. If you can't ask him, and trust his answer, then you have a different problem from his contact with this woman. Not trusting your partner is a problem whether they are trustworthy or not.

Have you talked to him about it? What did he say? Or, if you haven't, what stops you, and what do you think he would say?

My concern is that it'll turn into an emotional affair more than a physical. We were in this situation a few years back where he got close to a female friend, who I'd met, who he used to talk about all the time, however, a got a gut feeling (like I've had again this time) told me to check his phone. Low and behold, there were streams of messages between them, all innocent l, just talking about uni bletc and he'd tell her everything about our life together even sending pics of him doing DIY! He'd call her every night mostly on his way home from work to debrief about their days (they were on diff placements). She literally became the 3rd person in the relationship! He has a tenancy to get too involved. I did confront him back then and he got ridiculously defensive and said he's allowed friends, which of course he is but I'm worried that it will develop.

You're either worried it'll develop or you trust him. You've said both are true, but they're mutually exclusive. Which is it?

If he's already had an emotional affair I think you are right to be worried. It must be difficult if he has lots of female friends and he doesn't know how to put boundaries in place with them. I think that would make most people feel insecure.

When it happened before he got defensive and gaslit you by saying they were just friends when you were right in thinking he had overstep a line. Has his behaviour improved since then, or does it still depend on you policing it?

Everything has been fine for a very long time, its just I'm feeling uneasy with this one colleague, no other female colleagues concern me! I think it's the boundaries which are worrying me the most. Like a previous post said, if I was doing this, it'd be a totally different story! I WFH so I don't have the work/colleague relationships like he does and I have no male friends other than ones which are in our mutual couple friends.

Everything has been fine for a very long time, its just I'm feeling uneasy with this one colleague

So, do you trust him? You don't seem to want to answer this yeas or no question, is it difficult?

The woman isn't the issue, you know that, don't you? If your relationship is healthy, anybody could throw themselves naked at your partner and it wouldn't be an issue, because your partner would protect the boundaries of your relationship in a way that suited you and him.

KAM2024 - Trust your instincts!!!! Especially as you're pregnant, they're heightened for your protection! Paranoia can creep in, however your previous paranoia, proved your instincts correct - and now you're saying he has previous history of an EA and a lack of boundaries - get the book "Not Just Friends - Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity" Sort it before it happens, read it with him FFS, educate yourself as well as him - Have the conversation, he's done it before, I'm shocked you weren't really affected by his previous EA - Shocking figures, people cheating in "happy relationships" and these are just the ones admitted to...TRUST that 'Watchkeys' refers to is partially true - yes in a healthy relationship, with TRUST and BOUNDARIES - a naked woman could throw herself in front of him and he would maintain fidelity..BUT, there are very 'clever' women out there, who have a radar for opportunities with OTHER women's partners - the one's who get energy and enjoyment of others misery.. You'll read about all sorts of women here - the 'friends', colleagues, church members, the 'spouse or mate poachers' - they get a thrill by being able to 'steal' other's partners - as someone else here says - it NEVER exonerates the man or woman guilty of the transgressions - but these emotional affairs really are very damaging, more so for a woman the data says, men get very upset and their manhood and masculinity challenged by sexual affairs - "how big was he" "did he make you orgasm" etc..(most of the time, it's the 'norm' not the rule - but men who are emotionally mature and intelligent would also be upset deeply and feel completely betrayed by EA's too)
Your husband doesn't have boundaries - you need to set them for him, and this 'work colleague' you must also meet this woman - if they, either of them break the boundaries, you need a consequence to back them up!..

I fully trusted my husband (but he is a people pleaser with a big heart) never in a million years did I think he'd cheat on me (although his ex wife did, several times) I knew I should never have trusted this 'friend' - she was ALWAYS talking about how she was attracted to OTHER women's partners (I'd known her BTW as an 'acquaintance' initially of around 16 years!) then latterly, the last six years or so became a 'friend' - we both felt sorry for her, she was a 'covert' and 'grandiose' narcissist as well as a 'communal' one - a supposed do gooder, helping charities and the like - all posted on SM of course for the dopamine hits - this is also a form of infidelity, or 'micro cheating' - liking and loving each others posts...it creates a cocktail in the brain, a high, like cocaine, or chocolate and sex! There are women AND men, who have 'Fallen in Love' online for complete strangers - not wanting to offend anyone, but a woman sent all her and husband's money to a Nigerian Prince she only communicated online with, never met with IRL and was set to leave her husband and kids! Read about LIMERENCE please ..On the subject of fantasy and obsession, how is your sex life, considering you're pregnant...is your husband pursuing you, are you open to sex with him? I wouldn't blame you if you didn't want sex, I didn't when I was pregnant, felt tired and fat, and some men are turned off by their pregnant partner, others turned on and others now see you in a different light, once they've seen a baby growing in their wife or partner's stomach, or seen the delivery of the baby - you are not the sexy, non motherly, maiden to pursue that you once were - and a lot of men crave the same attention as women, that the baby or the aged parent (same thing sometimes) draws away from their partner - is this your first baby? Is he worried, scared or similar about how he'll be as a father? You need INTIMACY in all areas - this doesn't mean just sex- Or they become "drawn" as my DH said to another 'source' who can give them their 'validation', attention and acknowledgement, talk about emotional issues etc....and these VULTURES of women can smell a needy married man a mile off - the twenty something, pretty you say...this little marriage wrecker knows she's stoking and stroking his ego, and he is driven by lust and attention and hoping she strokes something else apart from his EGO! Many affairs start as innocent, benign friendships or work relationships..

'Watchkeys' says ;" The woman isn't the issue, you know that, don't you? If your relationship is healthy, anybody could throw themselves naked at your partner and it wouldn't be an issue, because your partner would protect the boundaries of your relationship in a way that suited you and him." True to an extent - my 25 year old son said similar to me - that COMMUNICATION between him and I was not healthy (Look at The Gottman's - Four Horses of the Apocalypse for relationships) - but sometimes there is the 'perfect storm'..(we had it I think)... or you are just pregnant in your case...common time for affairs, trust me, I've done tons of research..the poor men, with poor attachment styles and need for validation or acknowledgement..even though I'd told my DH that he was sexy, handsome and acknowledged his support with my estranged mum with dementia - he had some issues of his own with self esteem - and despite my words of 'affirmation' towards him (a 'love language') I wasn't that demonstrative - as the stress of my mum had totally turned me off sex - he was distant, unusually grumpy, even angry (not his baseline at all) he was acting out of character - I asked him indirectly or directly if I was like his ex-wife - he told me that he'd 'hidden' from her around the house and garden, doing jobs - when the relationship was breaking down - he was doing the same with me.. he flatly denied I was anything like her - yet I could feel him pulling away..I'd said to him "all she (the desperate, single, childless female with her biological clock ticking, aged 46 or so at the time) wants is a hug, and we are not even doing that"! He was already 'lost' to her at the time -or it drew him even closer to her! But because of my trauma and stress of handling my mum's dementia signs, falling in the street, stealing neighbours milk, falling downstairs, paramedics, hospitals, carers, scans etc (oh I had a breast lump scare too) I didn't have the capacity for sex - plus we had stopped kissing! Again his self esteem issues, which rubbed off on me and then just magnified (he'd lost some teeth and had to wear dentures now!) everything started to slide - and in the background, behind my back this vulture was asking for his help, like a maiden in distress, he was her rescuer, a knight in shining armour...he had the cheek and arrogance to tell me she was "going to help with our marriage", "shake things up" "help me to orgasm" WTAF! He said that he KNEW "she was on her way out", that there was "animosity between us" and he thought he'd bring her in for a threesome! She had done some disgusting and despicable things to me and others.. I think this was a lie or a 'fantasy' gone out of control and WRONG - he never ran it by me! And sadly he actually said to one of his very good male friends (he has a few) "Oh why do I want to f* HER so MUCH!" - And this is after his confession to me! HORMONES - that's why...very powerful cocktails of hormones that are awash in the brain with clandestine affairs of any sort..AND because he had a willing participant, she said she was UP FOR IT, just to let me know first! So desperate are some women, that it doesn't matter if they are your sister, friend, mother or more so if they don't even know you, they will also be up for it, and they do not CARE who it hurts - Get it out there with him, get the book Not Just Friends...read the data - it's probably American based, but bet your bottom dollar, to coin an American phrase, and as the experts know - it's an international thing, as long as marriage has been invented.. Protect yourself and your relationship now with proper BOUNDARIES - If you've got this far reading this rant, I apologise for my own story being sited here - going off track - but I've got your best interests at heart - men are able to 'COMPARTMENTALISE' apparently...his life at home with you and soon to become a new father, and his work friends, young, pretty and female - a reminder of the life he used to have - he needs to grow up, or he'll lose you tell him - what does he want, what does he need from you, ask him - men don't tend to be open with their emotions and outsource instead - TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS! Good luck with the baby's gender scan tomorrow or unveiling - who's the first person he wants to tell? Hope it IS NOT HER! It would usually be a good friend or his parents for example - if she's the first he goes to with news that's another massive RED FLAG xxx

ps Just re-read your post about his previous EA - that he's "allowed to have friends" - same thing my husband said in defence angrily "Oh I won't have any friends then!" or "I won't help anyone anymore!" - difference being with healthy friendships - you usually don't want to sleep with your 'friends'...any person who is of the favoured gender in romantic relationships, is a possible threat to your marriage - attached or otherwise...it doesn't work the same for male friends for a man - they wouldn't want to sleep with them! DEFENSIVENESS screams GUILT or danger zone! BTW she already is sending messages saying have fun at the baby's gender unveiling.. she's already too involved - definitely meet this 'woman' - try and make friends with her, "keep your friends close, and your enemies closer still" if he objects - give his an ultimatum! Sorry I think you need to shock him into reality before his fantasies (and hers possibly) go too far ..

I'd be suspicious, OP.

Pregnancy is a classic time for men to stray.