Make it make sense.

[fraggle500]

Hello, not sure what I am looking for here...
short story me F55, partner M57, been together 18 months.
Looking back I can see he was "hyper focused " on me or our relationship.
He has undiagnosed autism ( he works in the medical profession and has been told many times he has a Nero divergent brain) He is also very intelligent and very good with words, can twist things for his own gain.
I have mostly been in long term relationships where I have been the higher earner, more "stable" one. ( 2 x ex-partners are alcoholics)
When I met him I was blown away with his enthusiasm, how stable he was, honest and kind.
Now.... I feel like his mask is slipping. If I try and bring any issue up, I am told "that's not true" "you do this to yourself"
I now feel like I walk on eggshells and I am doubting myself big time.
I am quite feisty , but the menopause has hit me big time, and I feel like I am
Loosing my mind at times.
So last night at about 1am, both asleep, he shouts out - for F's sake you just crushed my wrist. ( I think aggressively and for context I'm 5ft nothing and 7 1/2 stone, he is much bigger than me)
So I shout back, I have told you, stop speaking to me like rubbish.
He then shouts that I am the problem, I repeat, stops shouting at me and he just storms off to sleep on the sofa, where he still is.
I will now have a day of his silence, where he will not bring up anything as he is "scared" of conflict. I will then crack, say we need to talk and he will blame me... and off we go in a circle of unresolved conflict.
What would you do?
Am I the problem?

You’re not the problem. You’re measuring your current partner against your previous ones, who had very obvious faults. This man’s faults aren’t obvious at first. I’d be inclined to end it.

It really isn't you.

My dh is ND and never shouted at me the whole 13 years of our relationship. My ex was abusive. Including the giver of the silent treatment.. Which btw is now classed as abuse and grounds for divorce...
Ltb and enjoy your life op..

Thank you @AuCo44 - I never thought of it like that before. Yes, the bar has been set so low, I am thinking about telling him it's over. Which is making me sad, but it's just not worth the sinking feeling anymore.

@Sunshineafterthehail thanks for the reply. When I tackle him on the silent treatment he says it's me and he's giving me space to calm down.

18months in and you feel like this.

Please stop the relationship, go to counselling and heal.

He is no good for you

Sounds awful. Don’t stay in this painful relationship OP.

What would you do? Bin him.

Walking on eggshells, silent treatment, aggressive shouting.

You deserve better.

There's simply no need to live like this. Look higher, see a bigger landscape for your life and simply end it. It sounds like no way to live... and definitely not something to actually choose.

I now feel like I walk on eggshells and I am doubting myself big time.
Get the hell away. Right now.

It doesn't matter if you think he has autism, or mh issues, or depression, or money worries, or job stresses, or anything else. He is not your project to fix. What matters is how you feel, and right now you feel unhappy, rejected, confused, unsure and if ANY relationship makes you feel like that then it's not the right one for you.

As an aside anyone who has been in one abusive relationship has a higher chance of walking into another. You have had at least two in your past. Consider doing The Freedom Programme so you understand more why you ignore the red flags.

It's only been 18 months Op, if you're aleady tiptoeing around him then that's a dealbreaker. Now he's not so focussed on your relationship he's showing you the real him.

Thank you all
So much for your words of wisdom.
I was once told by a councillor that I saw my role in the relationship as a fixer. As in no one would like me for me.. having a narcissistic mother makes sure of that.
I know what I need to do - and I have been thinking for a while, that I am now seeing the real him.

Sorry OP. He's sounds awful. Bin.

My ex was on the spectrum and he too managed to hide his true self for a number of months. He would call me names, slam/kick things, drive dangerously, shout and make out like he was going to punch me. He wouldn't discuss anything, never said sorry and would ghost me for days then come back as if nothing had happened, not acknowledging the hurt he'd caused. Of course it didn't start out like this, but his behaviour became worse and worse.

My story could be your story if you continue tolerating this. I went to a counsellor for a while and he gave me the courage to tell my then-partner that his behaviour was unacceptable and therefore I was going home. Once I said I was going home, I followed through each time or it would have been worthless. He was shown that there were consequences to his actions and it helped for a while, but ultimately I realised that life was always going to be full of anxiety, abuse and depression if I stayed with him. Please don't tread in my shoes. Leave while your self esteem and sanity are still intact.

The trick @fraggle500 is knowing what can be fixed and what can't. If he doesn't see his behaviour as a problem then he has no reason to fix it. If you say you're leaving he might change for a while but very few people can sustain it. Good luck.

Sounds like a textbook lovebombing then DARVO toxic twat.

Because of your previous history you’ve set your bar too low and seem to think a shit man is better than no man.

I echo what others have said. Bin him, stay single for however long you need to understand why you accept scraps and learn to love yourself more. The freedom programme would really help

You are in the stage of being devalued.

Make sure it doesn't go on any longer.

You will become very confused.