How would you take this comment?

[TheLilacTurtle]

My husband doesn’t talk to my friends or family very much, and I’ve always put this down to being a bit socially anxious. He never has done in the years I’ve been with him, and if I’m honest I find it quite hard being the one who has to be social and speak for the both of us as he won’t make conversation. My close friends think he doesn’t like them so that’s been awkward.

I have a family gathering coming up celebrating my Nan’s 80th. I said to him can you please just ask my family questions back when they talk to you as he doesn’t. He gives one word answers.

for context - no my family and friends aren’t horrible, I’m very close to them and no drama there. He doesn’t speak to his family much, he just doesn’t. He doesn’t divulge much about that either.

i asked him why don’t you make conversation and why he behaves that way, as he never really responded when I asked him before, and he replied “because I just don’t care”

he said he doesn’t care and that it’s not him to ask people questions about their life or how they are.

I was quite taken aback by how blunt he was, and I told him it’s rude. But is it? Am I wrong to expect him to make an effort. I thought it was social anxiety or something but the comment makes me think it’s just rudeness. I always make an effort with his family, his friends.

Yes it's rude

My sister in law is like this

I've come to tolerate it but any social occasions are marred by awkwardness

He doesn't talk to your family.
He doesn't talk to your friends.
He doesn't talk to his family.

Who does he talk to? And does he actually ask questions to further the conversation on or just make interested noises of that's nice/cool etc?

He talks to his friends and colleagues, especially when he has a drink, but even then he doesn’t always. He isn’t the most chatty person and likes his alone time.

I find it baffling because he’s in a role at work where he has to communicate with people and is great at it.

he just doesn’t ask people questions

Well theres your answer ..he’s an introvert who talks enough at work so doesn’t feel the need to do so elsewhere

Im an introvert who talks a lot at work too but I manage to make conversation with his friends and family! I seriously wonder why I bother

There's introversion then there's being a rude prick with no social skills, who can't be arsed making a small effort for the woman who loves him.

He sounds rude & selfish

Im not saying it excuses it..Im just saying it’s probably the root cause.

Men get away with this far too much. Women do so much of the social work. You sound lovely OP. He’s a selfish bastard

My mother's husband behaves like this towards all his inlaws (i.e. my extended family) and me. I've stopped bothering to talk to him at all. I've known him for 14 years and I can't be fked with him any more.

I realise this might not help you, but some men are just like this and at least you're challenging him on the behaviour (unlike my mother who asks US to make allowances for her husband's "shyness")

Of course he's rude. You may not really "care" about people's lives and answers but you pretend you do, sometimes, to oil social transactions. But, for his and your family and friends, why doesn't he care? He should care about some of them (assuming no issues there).

I'm an introvert and have ASD and come from a family who don't make conversation and I used to behave very much like this, it took great self awareness and effort to change and I still forget sometimes.

I really will not make conversation with people I'll never see again because I see no point and it is mentally taxing to me. But I will make the effort with relations and work colleagues because I realise it is needed.

Maybe your dh is a little like this but ffs he can make the effort.

Is he foreign by any chance? Like, maybe, Dutch, German, Russian?

He's not a family person, that's clear from the outset, so he doesn't see the point of making mundane small-talk with people he doesn't really know and doesn't want to get to know. If there was someone in the group that had common interests with him, that may change things.

The way he has put it across sounds rude, he has effectively said he doesn't care about your family.

However it sounds like family is very important to you and to him it simply isn't. So you may be fundamentally incompatible. Especially on things like having children/ how you'd raise them.

I don't like going to these types of events and making small talk with family members, unless I meet someone I really click with (loved my ex MIL, she was awesome). The kind of small talk about personal life that is culturally appropriate is something I've really had to learn. This is why I date people that aren't family oriented/ whose family live far away. When I meet someone and they say 'my family live in Australia', they become a very attractive prospect right away. Not the slightest bit of sarcasm here.

He's not come across well and sounds a bit up himself, but when he says bluntly who he is and what he thinks, believe him.

Oh, and he probably doesn't really care about being judged as rude, and doesn't feel shame about it. Comes across that way anyway.

Why does he bother being there then?

I asked those questions to see if he was likely to be suffering depression or being an introvert. He could still be both but I suspect the other pp have it. He doesn't care enough about you to pretend, to try. Most people will pretend to care about things their partners care about such as family, friends and even hobbies. It's called being supportive and loving.

Another question(s). Do you have to listen to him talk about his work day, annoying clients and funny colleagues, his roadrage at another idiot on the commute, about his hobbies, etc. And does he listen equally to your day?

It might be easier if he doesn’t attend

im puzzled how people like this get partnered up, how did conversation go?