Starting again at 44- how ?

[Tiredgirl88]

I'm at a low point in my life where I feel my relationship isn't right. We are arguing over such petty things at least once a fortnight and it's wearing me out mentally and physically. I'm no angel but tonight's topic was ( ive been away 4 nights as my son graduated in another city ) partner didnt come as said he had work commitments however he gets time off for other things I feel- easily. He was fine when I was away and didn't hound me and basically said have an amazing time . On my return I was told how missed I was and how much he loves me etc via text messages- Hinting he'd like sex that evening, sex was the last thing on my mind as I was shattered from travelling and all of the emotions and to be honest all of these arguments are slowly killing my sexual desires . He text back with a sarcastic message and didn't text again until I was home . I didn't get greeted with any kiss or any kind of affection until 2 hours later. Today I rested and decided to make the effort sexual wise and was waiting for him to come home , he walked straight past me and was shattered ( he grafts all day physically ). I didn't even get a kiss hello . So unfortunately I said something ... now we have WW3. He's talking about how I've got problems/ can't manage my money / don't work enough / work too much / always tired. He pays for everything and I shouldn't be answering him back and whining/ whinging. It's the same same old loop . He sends me nasty texts at work so I have to block him but then I worry what reception I'm getting when home . He gets very aggressive which usually implys me to stop but lately I've been very angry / upset back and basically screaming justifying that I'm not all these nasty things he makes out . After a few days he'll tell me how lovely I am and it's only words... I can't help feeling deep down he doesn't love or want me or why be so sensitive to such petty subjects . Am I at fault ? Should I not expect anything anymore and not say anything about my wants and needs ?? I have a mortgage with him it's very messy , I have day dreams about starting again in the city where my son is , where do I even start ? I'm not clever and have no savings . I love my job , I love my house but I'm not happy like this , I'm starting to feel it's me and I'm better off living alone with my youngest child and starting fresh . I'm just so tired .

You’re 44 and you still have your whole life ahead of you. I started again at 42. The nail in the coffin was the thought that I’d still be living exactly the same life at 50. That was enough to motivate me. If you don’t change it now, when will you? 5 years? 10 years.

btw I have a new life now and am very happy x

I started again age 44. Two DC. It was hard work in some ways, but an absolutely amazing relief in others.

Not having to deal with his moods, his constant sexual demands and groping, his fucking family and his shit money management.

Are you married? What’s your housing situation?

I'm 50 and starting again, I wish i'd like 12 or 13 years ago - if you're unhappy leave. Life is too short to be unhappy.

You don't sound very happy op, I wouldn't be happy either. Your home should be a sanctuary where you feel safe and content. It sounds like he is punishing you for not having sex as soon as you came home. That's not ok.
Are you married op? How long have you been together?

No I'm not happy , I gave up my little rented house and so wish for it back some days , I don't think we'd be together if so as I wouldn't want to see him - I'd just go home. Been together 4 years living together for 2. Not married and the mortgage is thankfully 50% mine with my name on everything too. What are my options? I hate change at the best of times and financially im OK at the moment , he pays all if the bills I pay the food bill and a few other bits ( I'm on a part time wage ) although I have nothing left at the end of each month and have no savings. I believe he does love me as he can be so lovely when he wants , hence why I chose to give up my old life of 20 years to be with him. But he seems deeply unhappy with life in general and I feel I'm turning the same way , I go to work for a break and a chance to be myself and relax . I spend a lot of time cleaning and tidying which is a problem for him as I'm not making time for him and wearing myself out so I have no energy for him. It's all about sex , we were all about the sex when we first met , I admit I have changed massively , I'm not bothered anymore about it , my mind never seems to be turned on. I'd just like to know any options I have as my plan B as at the moment I feel upset and not settled .

'decided to make the effort sexual wise '

Gosh OP, just that sentence sums it up. If you're enjoying the relationship so little that you're having to persuade yourself to be intimate, why would you stay?

You're not happy, and you aren't having any fun. He's not happy either. I assume you don't share children.

Can you go full time for six months, save the extra money as a rental deposit and make the final decision in the new year. Give the relationship one last try but put yourself in a better position financially as well.

You need a FT job earning as much money as possible.

Your world has got smaller and you need to open it up again to get where you want to be.

I agree with some of the other op's hun. You could get more hours and save save save. OR you could cut your losses now. The house would need to be sold, or one of you buy the other out. You could visit citizans advice and see what your position would be re benefits etc. If you're not confident, book an appointment with a solicitor, they usually give a short session for free.
As for the sex demands, nobody would want to have sex under those circumstances hun. He treats you like shit, and then can't understand why you're not gagging for him!
I think if I were in your shoes, I would end now and ask him to leave before things get worse.

I wasn't working at all and i've gone back FT it's hard, but i'm focused on the fact i'll be happier in the future. I miss my flat I had when I was single - wishi'd never sold it - but we are where we are - onwards.

I have started over again 4 months ago at 43. I have 4 children, and honestly u will thank urself for it. It is tight financially and my ex is making things really difficult but I honestly wish I had done it sooner. It is hard but it will all be worth it in the long run xx