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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What to do with 18yo DS

27 replies

CucumberCubes · 02/08/2024 17:19

I am a single parent with 2 other children as well as DS. I work a very demanding job, 30 hours a week, shifts.

He has a full time job, earns £1500 a month. I have asked him to contribute £250 a month towards rent / bills / food. He does absolutely nothing to contribute to chores. His room is a tip. He spends no time with any of us when at home, just takes food, showers and either goes out or plays Xbox with his door shut.

He has refused to pay any of the requested contribution. I have cut off WiFi to his room, told him he will get no meals (he helps himself to whatever is in the freezer / cupboards). He doesn’t care. He’s just had a delivery of a pair of £400 trainers and has gone off out no doubt to spend a fortune more at the pub.

What next?

OP posts:
cupcaske123 · 02/08/2024 17:21

Tell him he has a month to find somewhere else to live because he's a disrespectful shit.

AmandaHoldensLips · 02/08/2024 17:23

Time for him to move out. Pay his own bills. Learn to adult.

Original poster
CucumberCubes · 02/08/2024 17:24

This is what I’m inclined to do but I’m worried it will irreparably damage our relationship. Things have been fraught since my divorce from his father and despite his father moving to the other side of the country I am the enemy

OP posts:
MitskiMoo · 02/08/2024 17:25

Is dad involved? Could he go there? I wouldn't have him at home with that level of disrespect.

AgreeableDragon · 02/08/2024 17:26

What a sad situation. You need help, he needs a home, how awful that he does not see it this way and goes out of his way to make your life harder. He has a lot of growing up to do, and the best way you can help him now is to speed up the maturity process by telling him to leave.
Be had no legal rights to live in your home, and he had the means to rent his own place. Give him notice (two weeks to a month maximum). He'll soon realise what good value your rent was.

Original poster
CucumberCubes · 02/08/2024 17:26

Going to his Dad is not an option, he has a new baby and shows little interest in DS’s life

OP posts:
Original poster
CucumberCubes · 02/08/2024 17:27

AgreeableDragon · 02/08/2024 17:26

What a sad situation. You need help, he needs a home, how awful that he does not see it this way and goes out of his way to make your life harder. He has a lot of growing up to do, and the best way you can help him now is to speed up the maturity process by telling him to leave.
Be had no legal rights to live in your home, and he had the means to rent his own place. Give him notice (two weeks to a month maximum). He'll soon realise what good value your rent was.

Thank you, you put this very kindly

OP posts:
Twistybranch · 02/08/2024 17:27

Have you heard of the concept of lien? You hold an asset until debt is paid.

Therefore you hold the trainers until the £250 is paid.

However, that doesn’t help with his other behaviours. It’s time he moves out OP

YouBelongWithMe · 02/08/2024 17:27

Yes, I'd tell him he needs to find somewhere else to live.

For context, my 17yr old works P/T and earns £350. He came to us at 16 and offered us dig money (we said no!).

You have a long time left with your son. If you allow him to treat you this way, you are in danger of setting up a precedent for how he behaves towards you going forward. Holding and maintaining a boundary of respect is the best thing for him, in the long run.

AgreeableDragon · 02/08/2024 17:27

@CucumberCubes your might damage the relationship for the moment. But honestly it's didn't sounds great as it is, so I poetically won't be any worse.
Tough love is tough :(

Redruby2020 · 02/08/2024 17:29

CucumberCubes · 02/08/2024 17:26

Going to his Dad is not an option, he has a new baby and shows little interest in DS’s life

That's sad, all these men make me sick.

Original poster
CucumberCubes · 02/08/2024 17:30

I do feel tough love is the best way but he’s been abandoned by his father already and I worry about the impact if I ask him to leave

OP posts:
cupcaske123 · 02/08/2024 17:32

CucumberCubes · 02/08/2024 17:30

I do feel tough love is the best way but he’s been abandoned by his father already and I worry about the impact if I ask him to leave

He's walking all over you and needs a firm hand. He'll learn to respect others and take responsibility by paying bills and rent - no more £400 trainers.

Dollyparton3 · 02/08/2024 17:34

In reality OP the only place he can go is into a house share on his wages and I suspect that depending on where you are that will cost upwards of £500 a month room only.

If he tries to hardball you show him some alternative options and the price of them. That'll make him think about his options with a bit more clarity

Bollindger · 02/08/2024 17:34

Get all your bills out.
Show him , including rent and council tax.
Break it down to cost to you a month.
Tell him he is free to move out if he doesn't want to pay for what he uses.

MitskiMoo · 02/08/2024 17:34

You're doing him a disservice if you allow this situation to continue, regardless of his relationship with your ex.
He's also teaching your younger two how to treat you and women in general. If he refuses to shape up, I don't think you have any choice but to ask him to leave.

Twistybranch · 02/08/2024 17:37

CucumberCubes · 02/08/2024 17:30

I do feel tough love is the best way but he’s been abandoned by his father already and I worry about the impact if I ask him to leave

The impact on him if he’s asked to leave is that he has to grow up..and quick. No landlord will accept him not paying the bills, there won’t be any money to buy £400 trainers either. He will transition into an adult with adult responsibilities

Original poster
CucumberCubes · 02/08/2024 17:41

MitskiMoo · 02/08/2024 17:34

You're doing him a disservice if you allow this situation to continue, regardless of his relationship with your ex.
He's also teaching your younger two how to treat you and women in general. If he refuses to shape up, I don't think you have any choice but to ask him to leave.

You are right. I worry about the impact on the other two, although one is older and at university. They obviously don’t contribute as they aren’t here all the time.

OP posts:
yarnwitch · 02/08/2024 17:45

It's such a difficult situation to be in.
I would write down all your bills to give him a visual breakdown of what things cost. He clearly doesn't understand the value of money or the price of bills.
Give him a month or two notice to either pay his way or find alternative accommodation. In reality on his wage he would probably looking at a room in a house share. Maybe print or show him a couple of options off of Rightmove, then let him make his choice.

Alwaysdarkestjustbeforedawn · 02/08/2024 17:49

When I was 18, I was probably similar. I was incredulous at having to pay rent so therefore moved out to a flat.
3 months later, when I realised all the bills that come with that, I asked my parents if I could move back, and they agreed. I distinctly remember moving back and making a sandwich and there was no pepper left, and going to buy some as I had realised that everything in the house had to be bought.

My parents standing firm on me paying rent had taught me the cost of things and that has helped me throughout my life. I think a little lesson in the cost of living is what is needed….will set him up what is to come

Original poster
CucumberCubes · 04/08/2024 13:29

Well we had a conversation. I gave the options: buck up and pay keep or move out. He laughed and walked off

OP posts:
Mum2Fergus · 04/08/2024 14:03

CucumberCubes · 04/08/2024 13:29

Well we had a conversation. I gave the options: buck up and pay keep or move out. He laughed and walked off

Stick to what you said, do not backtrack.

Fandabbydaisy · 04/08/2024 14:08

i would show him your bills/earnings plus extras and ask him to do the maths. He is an adult. I would ask for a calm conversation adult to adult. If he wants to live rent free I would suggest he looks for somewhere that matches that. He is being selfish. I wouldn’t want to lose him. But work on building your relationship in other ways. He is probably in the your an annoying parent phase. As he gets older I would think it will improve.

Opentooffers · 04/08/2024 14:17

Does he own a car? You might have to change the locks while he's out, can't see how else you'd stop him. Have his bed removed from his room and bag his stuff up. Then you can claim your 25% council tax discount. He'll find somewhere to stay when forced. He's laughing at present because he doesn't think you can do anything about it, but you can.

Left · 04/08/2024 14:20

Ah OP it’s so hard.

Is there another adult in your family, or a friend, they could talk to him and try and get through to him? x

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